Aib to feel irritated by this?

[FluffyKeyes]

Long story short my best friend's behaviour was becoming pretty harsh. I put it down to struggles she was having in her personal life and tried to be there for her as much as I could.

There were a few incidents which upset me however, which now I believe were perhaps her being a bit jealous (?), as she would have childish strops if things didn't go her way. Things rose to a head when she used a story I had told her in confidence back at me to hurt me (not the first time).

Anyway I gave the friendship a bit of cooling off time after this and didn't instigate any messages etc. if she had messaged me I probably would have replied and fwiw there have been times in the past when she has (like everyone) not always replied and I have always called/messaged to see how she was, so i guess what I'm saying is that it takes two!

I got back in touch with her casually after a couple of months to discuss meeting up with a mutual friend of ours. We all get on very well and I feel this would make our friendship less intense and hopefully not make me her "target" when she is angry or upset; she only seems to behave this way when she's with me...

She responded and we started chatting but when we tried to pin a date down she basically said how she thought it would be weird and awkward to meet in a group as "we hadn't spoken for months".

This has floored me; while I completely get it, I don't want to be drawn into an argument and really feel irritated by her tone. It is like she is trying to pin the blame on me when as I mentioned it takes two... How should I respond?

I think I'm going to meet her for a casual coffee and then take it from there. Was going to make an excuse and leave it but I think this will be the litmus test - if it goes well and we get on, will stay in touch but if there's any hint she's back to her old ways I'll be polite and civil but just move on.

As you say OhFour there may be a point where we drift together again so I'd like to keep lines of communication open I guess... But equally sometimes a bit of distance is no bad thing!

Can I ask how you resolved the situation with your bridesmaid? I am in a close group of three/four with my friend and always imagined that they would be my bridesmaids etc etc so it's been a shame for my friendship with her to have gone off the rails so much. The other two aren't as close to her but she wouldn't dare treat them how she has behaved with me

Good call OP

Perhaps "open up" and actually discuss how you felt?

I could grapejuice and was considering this, but don't want her to think she got a reaction iykwim? I think that weirdly she enjoys knowing she has made me feel a certain way when she is hurting herself and lashes out at me. I certainly have never had a proper apology. So don't really want to go along those lines myself unless she brings it up

Perhaps just patch things up on the surface then, for the sake of the group friendship, but detach yourself emotionally from a real friendship. You know the group dynamics best. If you can detach completely without it affecting the group, then I would. She really is bad news.

Ok I met her! I feel really strange now; on the surface it was good to catch up but she seemed to harbour some quite long term resentments against me. I didn't really know how to react - my first instinct was to apologise but I guess I feel that it takes two and my first reaction if things were weird between me and someone else would be to think what I'd done not launch accusations against them

It was food for thought though I guess and obviously I should try to be a better friend in these ways. Just a bit shocked that she seemed to think it was all my fault, she brought up some things from a long time ago and when I did the same (NOT in a tit for tat way but rather to justify how I behaved or how she behaved, as I think a few things were basically big misunderstandings) she went quiet and was either critical or dismissed my point

We then spent the rest of the catch up talking about her goals and what was happening in her life. So very surface

Very surface catch up I mean!

I think she has very very high expectations of me (especially in comparison to her/our other friends) but is unwilling to really address how she behaves. She thinks that as long as she satisfies expectations she had of others (does that make sense?! Haha) then she is in the clear.

I feel odd!!!

Thanks everyone for listening! Appreciate it

She has of others

I had similar recently. An ex friend told me the ways in which she was annoyed with me and what I had been doing wrong basically. When I explained things and pointed out some stuff that she had done which was unacceptable, she didn't want to know and told me it was petty and she was moving on. I was done with her at that point. I refused to let her have her say and basically blame me completely without a single acknowledgement of her bad behaviour.

Sounds like you would be better off letting this one go OP.

CrapBag yes exactly! That's what happened... I'm quite relieved in a strange way, I'm obviously just going to let things go now as she just sees herself as a victim and seems to really blame me for all of her problems - there's just no use in reasoning with her, I'm done

It feels good

Glad you feel better. It's like a weight ksnt it. In one way I felt better because what she had been doing and her coolness when I saw her was bugging me. She only said something to me once I had deleted her from FB (because she kept doing something on there 'to' me and I'd had enough) and told a mutual friend how annoyed I was. I think she would have just carried on being a cow but never saying anything (funnily enough once she did say something she made sure to tell me how she's the type who has to say things to people). I said I guessed the others felt the same as her and she said she was only speaking for herself but further actions suggest not and she has well and truly put her side over and no one is interested in me so I've kind of lost the lot of them. But I came to the conclusion last year that these people aren't true friends for various reasons. I think once you realise that it makes it easier to break away and move on.

I can't be bothered with people like this so I'd say you are well rid (what is the matter with about half the female population!, men don't seem to go through this shit yet I keep finding it with people)?

Just to put the other side, I had a friend who got really, really angry with me when she was pregnant, and sent some pretty nasty emails listing how I was a shit. (we communicate via email a lot because we live a long way away from each other).
At the time, I was really shocked to be so called-out, but when I replied, I just tried to defuse, mostly because she was pregnant.

Her DD turned 6 this weekend.

Over the summer and on holiday together, after a row, I brought up some of the issues and she said "oh, you're bringing up things from 6 years ago?" and i said to her "too right I am... I never did it at the time!" And then pointed out that putting my life on hold and rushing up to visit her because she had a broken foot whilst 32 weeks pregnant does not a shit make!