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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel pathetic about this but AIBU to just not call my friend any more?

43 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/09/2015 10:39

We've been very close for over 30 years. We've lived together, been through all kinds...lived in different cities in the UK for long periods and in the same cities.

When we had DC in our 30s we both moved home to our original town with our DHs. Since then we've continued with a great friendship...some mutual mates and nights out and some just seeing one another with or without DC for days and nights out. We've called one another more like sisters.

I emigrated over a month ago and have done all the running to keep in touch...I don't expect her to telephone me as it's expensive....but I call her and she's ok....talks etc....but is a bit cold.

She's not messaged me on Facebook which was always our habit...I know it's hard that I left but she was ok with it...she arranged a night out for us...was lovely etc....now this?

She's not busy at the moment...she could message me.

I've decided that this week I won't contact her to see if she bothers...is that unreasonable of me?

For clarity, she used to message or call me around 3 times a week....and we'd see one another once a week.

OP posts:

PrimalLass · 17/09/2015 12:29

Well maybe she is grieving?

This. I was heartbroken when my friend moved away.

MakeItACider · 17/09/2015 12:29

She's probably grieving, and needs to adjust to you not being around. Talking to you quite possibly makes her miss you even more.

On a side note, have you tried Viber? I use it with my family who all live abroad. You can call mobile to mobile for free, connecting through Wi-Fi. It's been brilliant, has saved me a fortune.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 17/09/2015 12:38

Can't you just be honest, and say "Hi, is everything ok? I feel like we've been chatting a bit less since I've been away, so just wanted to check in". If you're as close as you say, she'll surely be open to discussing what the problem is. And if she doesn't want to, then that gives you your answer and you just have to accept that something has changed from her end.

I've found out the hard way over the years that you can't chase people, it has to come from both sides or someone ends up hurt. It sucks though

lazycoo · 17/09/2015 12:39

I agree she is grieving. I felt like this when my friend moved abroad.

OP you probably need and deserve support after your big change and are angry you're not getting it, but I think you could lose this friendship if you don't look after her right now. To stop talking would be cutting off your own nose to spite your face. I hope you reach out to her ASAP.

razmataz · 17/09/2015 12:54

As others have said, she's probably hurt and feels a bit rejected.

I've been on the side of your friend - sort of. A close friend of mine got a new job and moved to a different city a few months ago. Prior to that we spoke everyday, would text throughout the day, saw each other or spoke on the phone most days - initiated by her more than me, but it was mutual.

When she moved contact dropped off a cliff - she was slow to reply to messages or sometimes didn't at all, and didn't make any efforts to make plans with me. I tried a few times and she was either busy or cancelled last minute. It hurt me a lot, I felt completely rejected - and I've had to take a step back as I don't want to be the one chasing all the time. From her point of view I don't think she is aware that anything is wrong, she's just focused on her new life and friends.

Although it's not the same situation, and you've obviously made efforts to keep in contact, I wonder if anything you've said or done inadvertently is making her feel hurt and rejected - or maybe it is just the circumstances. So I'd probably keep making an effort and maybe try and arrange a visit or something - she might just need to feel like you still value her as much as ever.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 17/09/2015 12:57

It could just be that her normal life carries on while you are in a new place and I assume not had time to make friends, set up a regular routine and are feeling like life is a bit empty?

Our very good friend moved countties 10 years ago. We were pretty devastated. We don't speak or message weekly or even monthly but we try to get both families together at least once a year and it's like we saw each other yesterday. Our children (not born when they moved) all live each other too.

You don't have to have constant contact to maintain a relationship. It's enough just to love each other and keep in light touch.

Focus your energies on making new friends where you are now and settling into your new life. Then you will have things to tell her about next time you speak.

greenfolder · 17/09/2015 13:10

Does she have many other friends? It may be that you emigrating is huge for her and she is finding it really hard and missing you. Each contact reminds her of that

EponasWildDaughter · 17/09/2015 13:28

My best ever friend (sounds so childish!) emigrated 7 years ago.

We met in our mid teens, same age. Similar lives and backgrounds. We both had 3 children in our 20s, stayed close into our 30s. Told each other everything. Laughed and cried together. Close as sisters for 18 years. When her DH she began talking about leaving the UK i blanked it out, but she was gone within 18 months. I miss her very much.

She tried to keep in touch, but right from when she left i felt there was no point. Cant explain properly why. I think our friendship was just so good and it thrived on almost constant contact and anything else was ... yes, just a sad pale reminder of it all.

Sounds awfully dramatic :) but it's true.

Perhaps your friend is going through similar OP?

DoJo · 17/09/2015 14:44

You think she is behaving badly because she is having trouble adjusting to the fact that you have chosen to leave the country, yet it's only been a month and you are considering dropping a 30 year friendship over perceived lack of contact. Maybe your friendship isn't as close as you thought from either side - you certainly don't sound like you are prepared to put much effort in to preserve it.

RuffWearer · 17/09/2015 14:57

Look, she's left behind, getting on with her usual life, while you're grappling with a new environment, new home, possibly new job/language - it's perfectly possible she thinks of you as being busy with the new stuff and that it has never occurred to her that you're bored and lonely and desperate to talk.

I have to say you do also sound a bit smothering. It's only been a month, and you have clearly talked on at least a couple of occasions, but already you sound snippy at the fact you don't think she's initiating enough contact? Are you feeling miserably homesick or something? If so, have you told her this?

(Also, as a foreigner from a place where people have emigrated in huge numbers since the mid-19th c, I honestly find a weird, widespread cultural attitude to emigration among English people, which seems to involve the emigrant attacking the UK as second-rate, implying anyone who stays is an idiot, and praising the climate or the schools or the jam or whatever of the new place to the skies. Are you boring on about the fabulousness of your new country?)

Also, forget expensive phonecalls - Skype each other!

Mairyhinge · 17/09/2015 15:09

My best ( at the time) freind emigrated about 10 years ago, and I've still not fully come to terms with it!
I miss her so much, and blame her arsehole husband as he was the one pushing for the move, he got a job in that country. She'd travelled a fair bit for her work, and had returned to our home town, got a job and was looking to settle. Then she met her arsehole husband, and they married quickly and went.
Devastated.
She's since had a son, and she comes home maybe once every 3-4 years, but it's bloody hard.
I message her on fb, and I know I can pour my heart out to her, and she to me, and that's great. But it's taken me a long time to be able to accept that she is now a citizen of that country, and ain't likely to ever come home for good.
I spent years fantasising about her arsehole husband deciding he didn't like it after all and they should return to the UK.
That's not gonna happen, and I've struggled hugely with it, still don't really accept it, but I live day to day, year to year, hoping eventually she will return.

So perhaps don't be so hard on her....she is most likely grieving, feeling abandoned, and in shock.
She might be a bit cold towards you for a while, she might never recover from this, but you have to accept that, and maybe, if you can, get back to see her every year?

As you can maybe tell, I blame and resent her arsehole husband for taking her away from me.

antimatter · 17/09/2015 15:11

When you emigrate you would be lucky to keep even 5% of friends you used to see regularly.
It's very painful

Theycallmemellowjello · 17/09/2015 15:50

I think a month is way too short to let a 30 year friendship slide! I think that it is inevitable that when you live close to a friend you speak to them and message them more often - as you have more of a shared life together and more stuff to discuss. I have also lived in several countries, and have friends I would see/call multiple times a week whom I now only speak to every month or even less frequently. It doesn't make them lesser friends, it's just hard to maintain that kind of intensity over a long distance ime. Since your move is so recent I'd work on building up a friendship model that works for both of you in the new set-up.

laffymeal · 17/09/2015 16:19

I think you're being a bit hard on her too. She needs to get used to you not being in her life on a daily basis anymore. Maybe the way you communicate now is just too sore for her. Tbh I would probably be the same if one of my close friends moved away, especially as I don't do FB. We would end up drifting apart, it's happened before to me.

Skiptonlass · 17/09/2015 16:20

I emigrated.

I'd say 95% of people I know have never bothered to keep in touch.

C'est la vie.

SirChenjin · 17/09/2015 16:23

I'd say she's missing you very much, feeling angry you left, very lonely, or perhaps even jealous that you've emigrated. Give her time

RandomMess · 17/09/2015 16:25

When you're the one moving you're busy and distracted, she's been left behind with a big hole in a day to day to life. I think she's upset and grieving and perhaps angry that she wasn't enough to stay put for.

feebeecat · 17/09/2015 16:34

It could be that she's missing you, but just trying to fill in the gap that your leaving has left behind, so she may be busy. She may be angry, who knows.
I find it interesting that you don't think she could be having a hard time & busy with something else - it could be that there has been more going on in her life but she didn't want to bother you when you were likely to be rather busy too?
Or, I have a friend I am in constant touch with, she has been through a lot and I have supported her over the years. She has been a bit quieter for last few weeks, seemed she was finally sorting herself out. Actually she's been having an affair with a married man. Just goes to show, even when you think you know someone . . .

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