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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel pathetic about this but AIBU to just not call my friend any more?

43 replies

TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/09/2015 10:39

We've been very close for over 30 years. We've lived together, been through all kinds...lived in different cities in the UK for long periods and in the same cities.

When we had DC in our 30s we both moved home to our original town with our DHs. Since then we've continued with a great friendship...some mutual mates and nights out and some just seeing one another with or without DC for days and nights out. We've called one another more like sisters.

I emigrated over a month ago and have done all the running to keep in touch...I don't expect her to telephone me as it's expensive....but I call her and she's ok....talks etc....but is a bit cold.

She's not messaged me on Facebook which was always our habit...I know it's hard that I left but she was ok with it...she arranged a night out for us...was lovely etc....now this?

She's not busy at the moment...she could message me.

I've decided that this week I won't contact her to see if she bothers...is that unreasonable of me?

For clarity, she used to message or call me around 3 times a week....and we'd see one another once a week.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/09/2015 10:42

It sounds like she thinks you e grown apart, I'm sorry :(

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/09/2015 10:44

But how can she think that after one month? If she'd been like this before I went then I'd understand....but as I said, she was very attentive and lovely.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 17/09/2015 10:52

Oh I see
How do you know she's not busy? Or could be having a hard time?

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/09/2015 10:53

I've seen her posting on FB....just hanging out and having a nice time...I know she's not working most of the week too.

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 17/09/2015 10:54

I suspect she is finding it rather painful. I'd be gentle with her I think.

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/09/2015 10:55

I'm just confused. BEcause our relationship spans more than 30 years, we've had other separations....but she's not just dumped me then.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 17/09/2015 10:55

Yeah, she could be going through some stuff that you don't know about?

Original poster
TheHouseOnTheLane · 17/09/2015 10:58

It's highly unlikely. She's always shared everything with me....I've been her cornerstone and she mine no matter where we are physically for more than 30 years. It's a month since I left and she was fine....I see on FB she's fine...and she is the type of person to tell FB when something does go wrong

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 17/09/2015 11:02

She might be angry with you for leaving. Sometimes these things aren't rational.

Give her a chance.

KinkyAfro · 17/09/2015 11:04

Maybe you weren't as close as you think and how you've gone away she's having some breathing space?

KinkyAfro · 17/09/2015 11:04

*now, not how

SaucyJack · 17/09/2015 11:05

Perhaps she doesn't want to invest in a friend she isn't going to see in person any more?

I dunno. It sucks.

BumgrapesofWrath · 17/09/2015 11:17

I have a close friend who emigrated. To be honest I haven't bothered to keep in touch much because I see our lives are taking separate paths now, so it seems a bit pointless. That seems a bit harsh written down now but I feel like investing time in people I see.

LobsterQuadrille · 17/09/2015 11:24

I worked abroad for 10 years and had mixed reactions from friends when I left, but definitely kept in touch with all those who were important. I found out afterwards that some of them were afraid that I would be promoting my "new" country too much and would be critical of the UK - in fact the opposite was true and I did make a point of saying what I didn't like about the new place, once I realised how defensive (some of) them were.

I wouldn't cut her off over this - as you say, the friendship has spanned a 30 years. At the very least you could message her on FB asking if she is OK and saying that you feel distanced from her emotionally as well as physically, and you hope that everything is OK between you. She may be feeling that your loss is permanent which makes it different from previous times you've lived apart. Do you have plans to come back for holidays and will therefore see her? Could she come and visit you? Depends where you are and her commitments, I suppose but if you have been that close ....

mumchkin · 17/09/2015 11:37

I moved overseas and was blown away by certain friends who simply stopped speaking to me because I wasn't in the same country. Some people are very "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to others... or maybe there are other issues. I found it very strange - it was only certain people and I had good relationships with them before I left too.

PennyHasNoSurname · 17/09/2015 11:41

Well maybe she is grieving?

I have a friend who is very dear to me, we have been best friends since we were eleven, have dcs the same age etc. We talkevery day via whatsapp/text and meet weekly.

If she emigrated I would feel like id lost her forever. I would be incredibly sad for a very long time.

shovetheholly · 17/09/2015 11:44

A couple of thoughts

  • maybe she is struggling with your move overseas, regarding it as some kind of rejection. Yes, this is irrational, but we are all a bit irrational sometimes.
  • maybe she is struggling with something (depression etc?) that she hasn't told you about. Perhaps she sees you starting this exciting new life and feels lost and left behind.

Either way, I would raise the subject gently and kindly. She may just need to hear that you miss her.

BarbarianMum · 17/09/2015 11:49

I think it is fine for you to leave the ball in her court for a bit but you might want to try one or two more times over the next weeks/months to see if you can establish a new normal. But ultimately yes, friendships onl work if they are reciprocal.

NuffSaidSam · 17/09/2015 11:49

It sounds like she's upset about you leaving. I'd give it time.

I think if you want the relationship to continue long-term you will need to make more effort though because it was you that left. It's very, very hard to maintain that level of friendship over great distances. Where have you emigrated to?

Sallystyle · 17/09/2015 11:50

Sounds like she is grieving to me as well.

She is probably gutted that you have moved far away and she can't easily see you. It is probably a defence mechanism, pull away from you so she get used to it you do grow apart.

Like the PP said. I would be kind, try to talk to her.

I fear rejection and immature or not, if someone who was a huge part of my life for years emigrated I would struggle with it and probably pull a way a bit for a while to protect myself.

wannaBe · 17/09/2015 11:51

tbh your post is somewhat contradictory. You've been close for 30 years yet you don't feel you can speak to her after she's been quiet for a month? Tbh that's not a marker of a close friendship.

Reality is that friendships do change when people move, and they change instantly, because while life for her is going on as normal you are off rebuilding your own, different life somewhere else. Obviously you might keep in touch but you are in different places now, and the likelihood is that that friendship may change. That doesn't mean it has to end, I have friends I left behind when I came back from South Africa 22 years ago, they're not in constant touch any more, we have different lives, have all married, had dc, travelled the world (or not) lived different life experiences, but can all pick up the phone to each other on a wim and have a chat for an hour or so, until next time in about six months time. But it's unrealistic to expect a friendship to remain exactly the same in terms of communication etc. but if she's a close friend you should be able to ask her about it. If you can't, then perhaps it says more about your friendship than you think.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2015 11:52

Don't cut her off. But don't expect very regular phonecalls from her if she has moved far away. I'd phone her from time to time to see how she is. But a month isn't very long. And don't be always phoning and I don't think I'd raise the subejct unless I thought there was something wrong like she was very unhappy or depressed and even then tread carefully.

Paperthin · 17/09/2015 12:02

I agree with pp who say she may be grieving, and missing you so much that she's making a special effort to put on a front on FB etc. You don't say where you have moved to, if you have I have missed it, but is it possible to start planning for her to visit you? Show her you really want her to be part of your life and see each other? That may help you both reconnect a bit.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 17/09/2015 12:03

Like many of the others, I wonder if she's struggling with you no longer being round the corner.

One of my best friends moved about five years ago and I still struggle with the fact she's so far away. I see that she's made some amazing friends and is living a fantastic life and I'm delighted for her, truly. However, in doing so, she's moved on and because her life is busy, I don't hear from her that often, and I'll be honest, it hurts deeply. Maybe she's worried this will happen with you and so is holding back to protect herself. Plus, she's probably feeling hurt that you've 'abandoned' her. When you're in touch do you tell her how much you miss her, and your regular friendship, or are you focussing on the positives of the move? If it's the latter, she could feel sad that she's left behind.

pinkdelight · 17/09/2015 12:22

A month isn't very long. And you've spoken when you've called her. You've emigrated so the contact isn't going to be anywhere near as regular as it would've been before. The impulse to keep updating you will be suppressed because really, what's the point of doing so frequently? Maybe if you were her mum then a weekly call would be expected, but she does have other friends and will rightly be turning to them as you've left. Sure she still cares a lot about you and will not cut you off as easily as you're considering doing to her. But I think you need to adjust your expectations and invest in your new life.

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