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AIBU?

to want a....

59 replies

spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 12:39

Prenuptial agreement. My partner and I own property. We live in the house I own and he has a house he rents out. We're getting married in January. We're both good with money and both stand to inherit money as well. He's happy to have a prenup but isn't willing to pay for it. So I guess my question is AIBU unreasonable to want one and AIBU to expect that he contributes to half the costs if it's protecting him too?

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 14:57

I'm worried that people think that it's "sad" to protect assets that I've worked damn hard for. I've not said I don't share anything. We do share money to a certain extent but I don't believe in giving my partner full control of my money and likewise he feels the same. It doesn't lessen the love we have for each other it's just how we choose to run our finances and we've done this for sometime. I'm realistic and whilst I think marriage should be for life, I've come to realise that this just isn't always the case. So to the PP who wouldn't marry me since I want to protect my hard earned assets - I definitely Wouldn't marry you for not allowing Me to do so....

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RachelZoe · 16/09/2015 15:08

Quite right OP

Some people like to live in a fairy tale land where everyone who falls in love stays there, and nothing bad ever happens etc. A pre nup is no different to making a will, obviously nobody wants to die, and nobody would say you were enticing death by writing one, it's no different really.

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Londonista123 · 16/09/2015 15:10

YANBU, and to posters who feel this somehow means that you don't love each other / love each other less than others who don't consider the need for a pre-nup.

No-one goes into marriage anticipating a divorce, yet the statistics show that divorces do happen and people do change. The OP and spouse sound fairly evenly matched financially, but why should one spouse or another lose assets they've worked hard to amass in the event of an (unanticipated) divorce?

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ImperialBlether · 16/09/2015 15:34

I think everything's different if you marry when neither of you have anything really. There's no point to a pre-nup then. However, once you've worked really hard for years to save money or buy property, getting married shouldn't mean you risk losing everything. None of us really knows the person we marry - we all think we do and often everything goes well so we think we were proved right, but a lot is luck rather than judgement. Whatever a couple agree to beforehand, it's always better to nail it down with a written agreement in case either of you are not what the other thought you were.

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whois · 16/09/2015 15:55

God how sanctimonious people are 'I wouldn't be marring you if you wanted a pre-nup' Love blinds all eh?

I'm sure most people don't go in to marriage expecting it to end in a nasty divorce, but an awful lot do end up like that. If you both have pre-marriage assets it is sensible to protect them.

However, since it is only you that wants this, then I would expect you to pay for it really.

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SoupDragon · 16/09/2015 15:58

If you need 'protecting' from each other then you shouldn't be getting married.

why bother getting married if you don't mean the vows?

Because shit happens. Don't be so naive.

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ImperialBlether · 16/09/2015 16:14

Isn't it 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce? I bet those in the 1/3 who had property they then lost to their spouse wish they'd planned ahead.

If the marriage goes well, it all becomes immaterial.

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RachelZoe · 16/09/2015 16:23

ImperialBlether

I think everything's different if you marry when neither of you have anything really. There's no point to a pre-nup then.

Yes there is. How if one of them becomes successful after they get married?

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ImperialBlether · 16/09/2015 16:27

Then you get the lawyers involved, Rachel!

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CPtart · 16/09/2015 16:47

YANBU to think the worst when planning ahead, and plan to protect your assets as much as possible.
If you have DC and then split, in the vast majority of cases it is usually the woman left with the majority of the childcare. Everything may be rosy now, but we all know that marriage vows mean diddly squat several years down the line when relationships break down.
And yes, where's his rent money going?

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 17:38

To be honest he pays his mortgage with the rent and I don't ask for any of it. He contributes to the bills in my house and I save a decent chunk of my wage so I leave him to do what he wants with his money. Likewise he doesn't ask for any of my savings

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 17:38

We do have savings together though!

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ImperialBlether · 16/09/2015 17:49

So he lives with you rent-free? I hope this one turns out to be a good'un, OP!

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 17:51

Uhhhhhm no I just said above that he contributes equally to the bills in my house. We have joint savings and we also have outlet own money

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 17:52

Our*

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MrsLeighHalfpenny · 16/09/2015 17:54

Sounds like a weird way to start a marriage to me.

What would happen, say, if you wanted to go on holiday together and one if you could afford it and the other couldn't?

What about if one of you looses a job, of gives up work to look after kids or due to illness, would the other support?

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 17:58

Well we have joint savings for things like holidays, MOTs etc. We both earn good money so we've got joint and sole investments and savings. Am I being unreasonable to want to protect what's mine?

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RachelZoe · 16/09/2015 17:58

What do you mean MrsLeighHalfPenny? A pre nup is for what happens to everyone's assets in the event of divorce, not about who pays for holidays and things...

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 18:00

Yeah mrsleighhalfpenny I won't be paying for his holidays if we got a divorce

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lastnightiwenttomanderley · 16/09/2015 18:07

MIL has a prenup...but she has remarried after DH father died and so did it to protect assets that were part of that 'family' unit to make sure they end up with DH and his brother. Both her and sFIL have grown up kids though so very different circumstances.

I do personally think it's an odd basis on which to start a marriage and that there should be an open discussion about assets - particularly as it sounds like you're both financially astute and not overly dissimilar in what you bring to the table. Both DH and I had a fair bit in savings when we married but saw it as joint money. I'd only consider it if one person had a very different financial attitude but then, to be honest, I'm not sure I could marry someone if they had such a fundamentally different attitude to money anyway.

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PurpleHairAndPearls · 16/09/2015 18:11

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ImperialBlether · 16/09/2015 18:11

Though sometimes that's not apparent until too late, lastnight.

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Postchildrenpregranny · 16/09/2015 18:19

Interesting debate
Having recently provided both Dds with substantial deposits for flat purchase (neither are in a relationship at present) I would be pretty peeved if what were originally our family assets went to an ex-partner of either.
However when DH and I married he had a house worth much more than mine and earned twice what I did . A pre- nup never occurred to us . Our finances 'merged' and over the years it has varied as to who has brought further money into the relationship .
Not sure what I would advise my DDs to do .

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TheMotherOfHellbeasts · 16/09/2015 18:21

We didn't have a prenup when DH and I married, and he didn't have a penny to his name. He'd been a kept man (hate that phrase) for several years before that as he came around the world with me for my career, and even then all of our (well, my) income was in a joint pot and was counted as household money.

Horses for courses, I wouldn't have a prenup, nor would I sign one, but if it works for you then great. I do think you should pay if you want one though.

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spoonfulofgoodness · 16/09/2015 18:25

I'm not disagreeing with DH to be. He's just tight and doesn't want to pay for it but he agrees that assets brought into a marriage should be protected. We aren't total Scrooges btw! just trying to be prudent about our money

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