For there to be no consequences for cancelling this playdate?

[NeedAKickUpTheFender]

DS (5.5) was meant to be going to a good friend's house after school today. When I told him about the plan yesterday he was really excited, but this morning he's ended up in fits of tears as he wants to come home instead and play with his Lego (which he's totally obsessed about).

DS didn't seem to understand he can't just decide to go another day instead, and DH and I handled it badly and will need to apologise later. I got really angry and said he was letting his friend down and he might not ever get invited again, various other empty threats, DH threatened to take his Lego away etc etc. (Feel free to beat me up about this but rest assured I'm already doing that myself - I feel like we've done a terrible job of this!)

In the end I said I would cancel the playdate and discuss consequences later. Now I'm not so cross I'm thinking of the bigger picture.

DS is normally confident and stubborn (but is poor at understanding the impact of his decisions, which is maybe normal at this age). However, he is readjusting to being back at school and is tired and emotionally volatile at the moment. He's having a lot of nightmares and is unusually clingy with me and I wonder whether the insistence he wants to be at home is to be with me. I also didn't ask if he wanted to go the playdate as it's his best friend and he loves going there, though as I say he was delighted with the news yesterday.

So my inclination is to discuss this with DS, say that in future we'll agree together whether he goes to a playdate, but that he needs to stick to his decision once it's made because it's not fair otherwise. And that's the end of it.

DH thinks I'm being too soft, and that DS is refusing the playdate just because he fancies playing with Lego instead, and we need to have consequences so he understands he can't just let friends down and change his mind as the fancy takes him.

AIBU to think there shouldn't be any consequences? And how would you have handled the situation this morning?

the mum who's got in extra tea and made plans........

I must be a slack mum. Don't do food on playdate, and don't make plans.

Kid comes to our house after school, plays for about 1.5 hours, while I sit and drink tea parent collects.

But you have to be at least be sure you've got enough fish fingers.....

And wouldn't your kid be disappointed if a friend cancelled?

That's a bit different, OP. If he agrees to make plans then he needs to stick with what he said, but maybe you need make that clear to him. So the conversation needs to go something like:

"DS, Ben has invited you to play after school tomorrow, do you want to go?"
"Okay"
"Are you sure? Because you can't decide tomorrow morning that you don't want to go anymore. Are you sure you want to go?"

That gives him a way out. He either decides to go and sticks to it, or decides not to go and you can tell Ben's mum that you're busy. But I think he's not too young to realise the consequences of his decisions - he can't change his mind at the last minute because it's not fair on Ben or Ben's mum.

But I do think (unless you need him to go to Ben's for childcare reasons) that he should get a say in whether he sees a friend after school or not. It shouldn't be presented to him as something that's happening regardless.

Foods non issue surely - extra fishfingers, just cook less and keep some in freezer. Extra casserole or similar just eat a portion for lunch next day or freeze

Bit late now , but I would have left it to see how he feels after school, and if he still didn't want to go, i would have invited the friend to yours.

If he is unusually clingy at the moment and you think he didn't go because he wanted to be with you, then could you have offered to go on the play date with him? Maybe taken the lego along too?

OP, if you make a plan with a friend, you stick to it because you're a grown up. Trust me, from the POV of having teenagers, a 5 year old is still a baby. They get tired and overwhelmed and just want the security of being at home where they know all the rules, where everything is and can have a snuggle if they need it. The beginning of the school year is really hard work for little children - so much to try and make sense of. He didn't want to go to a friend's house. So what? He'll be happy to have friends over or ready for a play at someone's house in another week or two.

I'm another one who wouldn't even of discussed it. I expect if you had just kept to the original plan he wouldn't have batted an eye.As others have said he could have just played for an hour if he really was tired. I also don't think a year 1 child is too young to start learning that sometimes we need to think about how our friends might feel if we back out of plans.

betrand - we eat at around 6. Most of dds friends seem to eat between 5 and 6. In our world you come round to play, you get picked up before food. As I said I don't do food on playdates.

The kid is coming round to play for an hour or 2, not coming to dinner.

Biscuit and/or fruit when arrive from school, that's it.

'"Are you sure? Because you can't decide tomorrow morning that you don't want to go anymore. Are you sure you want to go?"

That gives him a way out.'

That gives him a way out at the time you have the conversation, but not necessarily just before the actual playdate. Both my children have very short memories for that kind of conversation and might well blithely say they're absolutely sure about something and then change their mind at the moment of truth, regardless of what they'd promised before. I don't think they're that unusual - in my experience, children aren't great at predicting how they'll feel at some point in the future - they live in the moment.

I think I would have taken either of them along at that age anyway, by the way. They've both themselves been gutted when playdates have fallen through at the last minute - I wouldn't want to do that to another child (or parent!) without a good reason.

"betrand - we eat at around 6. Most of dds friends seem to eat between 5 and 6. In our world you come round to play, you get picked up before food. As I said I don't do food on playdates."

That's interesting- round here coming to play (can't even bring myself to type the p*yd*e word) always includes tea.

No 5 year old can see much beyond the next day.
And with close friends I'd be casual about the children meeting. Or I'd say I was meeting the other parent and that was that.
If the child is at school with the other, I can see why they'd want to play lego and have some quiet time. Don't underestimate the need that some people have for having some quiet and being alone. No issues. Just being an introvert. Which is normal and it can have benefits.

Anyway:
Removing a toy is punishments. 'consequences' is just a nice way of saying 'I'm going to punish him but it's all modern and OK

Consequences is: you broke it, you glue it back; you spilt it, you clean it. Not taking random toys away.
People do misinterpret and do replace punishment with consequences without understanding the concept behind.

In this case, you arranged the play date without confirming with him. You cancel it. Consequences :)