For there to be no consequences for cancelling this playdate?

[NeedAKickUpTheFender]

DS (5.5) was meant to be going to a good friend's house after school today. When I told him about the plan yesterday he was really excited, but this morning he's ended up in fits of tears as he wants to come home instead and play with his Lego (which he's totally obsessed about).

DS didn't seem to understand he can't just decide to go another day instead, and DH and I handled it badly and will need to apologise later. I got really angry and said he was letting his friend down and he might not ever get invited again, various other empty threats, DH threatened to take his Lego away etc etc. (Feel free to beat me up about this but rest assured I'm already doing that myself - I feel like we've done a terrible job of this!)

In the end I said I would cancel the playdate and discuss consequences later. Now I'm not so cross I'm thinking of the bigger picture.

DS is normally confident and stubborn (but is poor at understanding the impact of his decisions, which is maybe normal at this age). However, he is readjusting to being back at school and is tired and emotionally volatile at the moment. He's having a lot of nightmares and is unusually clingy with me and I wonder whether the insistence he wants to be at home is to be with me. I also didn't ask if he wanted to go the playdate as it's his best friend and he loves going there, though as I say he was delighted with the news yesterday.

So my inclination is to discuss this with DS, say that in future we'll agree together whether he goes to a playdate, but that he needs to stick to his decision once it's made because it's not fair otherwise. And that's the end of it.

DH thinks I'm being too soft, and that DS is refusing the playdate just because he fancies playing with Lego instead, and we need to have consequences so he understands he can't just let friends down and change his mind as the fancy takes him.

AIBU to think there shouldn't be any consequences? And how would you have handled the situation this morning?

[Aeroflotgirl]

He's only 5, still very little, there shoukd be no consequences, of course he won't understand. Mabey invite the boy to yours if ds feels more comfortable being in his own home.

[LoveAnchor]

I'd just write it off as a mishap on your part and stop dwelling on it. The child has done nothing wrong. Yes, in adult terms he 'let his friend down' but at 5y old he has no understanding of this, so this is an opportunity for you to discuss what it means, and explain how the friend might feel (without blowing it out of proportion).

At 5y old cancelling a playdate on the basis that your child is too tired is perfectly fine. No one wants a cranky child for a playdate anyway.

It's inconvenient but there's only so much perfect planning you can do with kids. We've all been there. Just put it behind you.

[Artandco]

I don't see the problem. I would just call the parent of other child this morning and say that Ds is super tired and finding school adjustment difficult so we will have to cancel play date later as he wouldn't enjoy and could be a nightmare for her

[Stillunexpected]

if I've made plans with a friend I stick to them unless i have a good reason to cancel - you are not 5 years of age! Bet your friend would much rather you cancelled than that she has to deal with a tired, tantrummy child in her house!

[ThatsNotMyHouseItIsTooClean]

I would have told DD that she was going & that was that. I would have contacted the host to say DD had found the start of term tiring & suggested I collected her earlier than arranged but she wouldn't have been allowed to do lego once we were home.
If a child I invited over cancelled on the day they were due to come & had been at school that day, I would be unlikely to invite them over again.

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

They're five years old ffs. They're allowed to be tired and want to stay home after school. It's not the same as refusing to go to a party. It's a playdate that's being postponed, hardly the end of the world.

[coconutpie]

Oh FFS, this is just ridiculous! He's 5!!!! He's entitled to change his mind - it's only a silly playdate, it's not like he's been invited to a birthday party and his friend's parents have paid for stuff for him.

You are being massively unreasonable saying that if you make plans, you stick to them. I'm shocked at that tbh - you're an adult! He's a child! Bloody hell. You and your DH need to cop onto yourselves.

[OfficeGirl1969]

I think this is pretty unkind. He's little, he's tried and it's the beginning of school term. He was all excited, now he's tired and cranky and doesn't want to go. He's five, it happens. He won't have a grasp of letting his friend down, you can't punish him!

No consequence needed at all

[plantsitter]

I bet you anything when (if) you pick him up from school he asks why he isn't going to Friend's house!

Anyway, I think you really need to step back from this kind of situation or it will send you completely loopy.

TBH I would've just said 'well, you're going,' left it at that and messaged the other mum to say if he was tired and stroppy I would pick him up early (as a SAHM I appreciate this isn't always possible!).

[amarmai]

your job is to support your child emotionally etc. He is having nightmares so something is scaring him. In a choice of being soft or hard for your upset 5 year old - there is no choice. What kind of a childhood did your h have that he wants to punish his upset son? the other mother will understand if she is the kind off mother you want to associate with. Good q to ask- what can we do instead? And remember fatmomma says; 'invent rewards not punishments'

[turkeyboots]

I would have ducked the issue til after school. And then seen how he was and if he'd changed his mind about not going. My DC can't think far ahead enough to understand they may feel different after school, so it's pointless fighting with them about it. But I learnt that the hard way with DC crying in morning, I cancel whatever it was, child skips out of school asking when it is time to go to the thing I cancelled and I explode into fit of rage.

[HaydeeofMonteCristo]

Apparently my dh was like this as a child. Didn't like his mum to arrange anything without consulting him and would refuse to go.

Sadly, I must report he hasn't changed much!

[toomuchtooold]

He's too young to be held accountable for a decision like that - even if his wee friend is annoyed at him, it's a lot of steps for him to realise that and connect it to the playdate he turned down, so you still have to protect him from the consequences of his decisions for the moment, IMO. If it was me, for now I'd try and only arrange stuff with friends who're close enough that a last minute cancellation won't cause offence.

[Littlef00t]

Was he in the middle of playing with the Lego and didn't want to leave it, or was he at school pick up and wanted to go back home?

You might need a technique if he's just engrossed in what he's in the middle of and doesn't appreciate the full consequences of changing his mind, but I wouldn't worry too much.

[MatildaTheCat]

At 5,mif my ds had a friend coming after school he was hugely excited. Planned what they would play with, what DVD they might watch etc. if it were cancelled the same day he would have been really, really upset.

I think I would have said he was going because it had been arranged but I would collect him a bit earlier. Then I would have called the other mum and explained ds was a bit wobbly and to call if he wasn't happy so I could go and collect straight away.mhigh chance that by after school the reluctant child would have changed their mind back and be perfectly happy to go.

[reni2]

YANBU to think there should be no consequences, but if he repeats it there will be, even if you don't want them.

We had a repeat canceller in dd's circle, word spread among the children and play dates dried up for her very quickly. The child who kept calling them off soon understood that cancelling for no reason can leave you struggling to meet friends outside of school.

[Minicaters]

I think he is plenty old enough to be encouraged to think about how his friend would have felt about it. Getting that understanding would take priority over getting him to promise not to change his mind in future, I think. A random punishment on top wouldn't achieve anything.

And next time don't get sucked into a debate. More easily said than done, I know.

[steppemum]

However, he is readjusting to being back at school and is tired and emotionally volatile at the moment. He's having a lot of nightmares and is unusually clingy with me and I wonder whether the insistence he wants to be at home is to be with me.

I think you hit the nail in the head here.

I have one dc who would be like this. Knowing her, I would ask again at school pick up (if that is possible with other mum) and then go with her choice. I used to push it more, but I have realised that she sometimes really does need me.

For what it is worth, dd would cling and cried a lot going into school in Y1 (fine once there) and one thing I noticed was that she often had a melt down in the morning before school about nothing at all (she didn't like her socks...she wanted bread for breakfast and then changed her mind - you know what I mean)
So I learned to ignore the cause of any tantrum before school. So in your situation I leaned (eventually) to go 'hmm, you like your lego don't you' in a quiet non confrontational way because I knew she would kick off about it, whether she wanted to go or not. I also learned that when she was kicking off before school, I threw the normal discipline out of the window and had a big hug instead. That worked really well.

As to the other mum, I would just say he had a melt down, wants to be at home, I think he is finding school very tiring can we re-arrange?

[notentirelysane]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I would probably have insisted he had to go - but that's because when my DS was about the same age, he would quite often suddenly change his mind about wanting to do things and the only way to get through it was to be consistent. I don't know how unusual this behaviour is in your DS's case. You would certainly be better off not setting a precedent of him being able to get out of anything just because he doesn't feel like it - so have a think about what you can give as a reason you let him have his way this time, so next time he tries to get out of something, you'll be able to say, "well, there were special circumstances last time because [reason of your choice - it was the beginning of term, etc] but normally when you agree to do something with someone you need to do it."

[NeedAKickUpTheFender]

Littlef00t - it was this morning before school.

I think those who said I should've left it until after school were right (steppemum, I like your idea of tactics). I guess I thought if there was a risk of having to cancel I needed to do it before the friend's Mum started cooking etc, but that was a bit daft I suppose.

armarmai - DH had a lovely and caring upbringing. DS can sometimes be found in tears/having a tantrum about stuff like not being allowed to buy an entire shop's worth of Lego or not being allowed to eat his own bodyweight in chocolate, so even though DS was crying, at first glance the whole situation looked like DS was just being awkward and argumentative again - I wouldn't want you to think DH is anything other than kind and comforting when, say, DS is scared or has hurt himself.

All useful thoughts and responses, thank you.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

I would have made him go anyway, and left early if he had been cranky. (Wouldn't have left him at 5, especially given that he is clingy).

My DS would have been very upset if his friend was supposed to be coming on a playdate and then bailed out. It can't be avoided if they're ill, but just because friend didn't feel like it isn't a strong enough excuse. DS couldn't have coped with a sudden change like that. It isn't "a silly playdate" to them.

He has been having intervention and support in school for developing his social skills since he was four, so frankly I don't think 5 is too young to be told this isn't nice behaviour.

OP knows and acknowledges they overreacted, I'm sure she'll have a strategy in place for the next time something like this happens.

[Viviennemary]

In a way I'd be inclined to say the arrangement is made and he would be going. And he might feel differently when he comes out of school anyway. If it was a childminder or after school club he probably wouldn't have a choice whether he went or not. I think you can give children too many choices. And don't worry about handling in badly. He is only five after all and we all get stressed over minor things.

[NeedAKickUpTheFender]

notentirelysane - yes, DS is exactly like that, and often changes his mind at the last minute if he doesn't feel like doing something that instant - then later on will be upset because he's changed his mind back again and it's too late. That was why DH and I were so cross (though as I say we handled it really badly), because as plantsitter says I'll bet he'll want to go when I pick him up! Another reason to have tried to fend the conversation off until pick-up time.

[Artandco]

Those saying small child would be upset if friend didn't come, surely they need to learn also that things Change. Most children will be bound by what parents needs are so if parent suddenly needs child to go with them it's hardly child's problem. Maybe don't big up the play date so much? I just say 'x might pop around later if convenient'. So If they can't then just say to sons ' x can't come around now as they forgot he has eye test/ homework/ granny visiting etc'. I would expect same in return. A confirmation of play date last week doesn't guarantee they can def come this week

[BertrandRussell]

Just think of the friend who's been looking forward to him coming round.and the mum who's got in extra tea and made plans........