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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really put my foot down with DP?

38 replies

LidlSoph · 15/09/2015 11:29

Once again, DP is spending £50 EACH on every close family member on his side. That includes his Mum, Stepdad, Dad, Brother, Brother's partner, Brother's daughter, little brother, and both grandparents on each side!

Last year we went splits but I'm pulling my hair out thinking about doing it all again this year and said to DP "I don't think it's sensible and it's even a little ridiculous", his reply was "well how about I buy my side and you stick to just buying your side?"

It's really pissed me off, because financially we're bound so each others finances affect both of us as a couple.

My rule is, once a close family member has children, they no longer qualify for a present and the child gets the gift. My other rule is that (apart from Mum), grown ups only get food/wine!

We have bills to pay and slight arrears to manage, yet he's saying "I can do it" to spending £700+ on family!

What can I say to him? AIBU since it's coming out of his own pocket or is he just a daft monkey?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/09/2015 11:32

Why don't you agree on a set figure each that can be used for presents? So each of you has £200 or whatever and then do what you want with it.

Does he always like to be seen as the big guy, the benefactor, the one who is more generous and more rich than anyone else?

ScarletRuby · 15/09/2015 11:32

If you can afford it I think YABU. My family still buys each other present children and adults are like and any partner trying to impose their 'rules' would get short thrift.

maras2 · 15/09/2015 11:34

Is this about Christmas?

Muckogy · 15/09/2015 11:34

YANBU. that's a lot of money.

i'm tied to presents for grown up siblings too and i'm pig sick of it.

is it just xmas or does he do this for all their birthdays and things like easter too?

i'd love to stop xmas presents for siblings, but Dsis wont have it. Sad

ScarletRuby · 15/09/2015 11:34

And that makes no sense! I'll try again.

If you can afford it I think YABU. My family still buys presents, children and adults alike. Any partner trying to impose their 'rules' would get given short thrift.

VimFuego101 · 15/09/2015 11:35

I agree, you need to agree a set budget for all family members. I don't think it's fair to tell him he can't buy for adults, though, just because you don't.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 11:35

On my side (i.e. sisters) we just do a secret santa thing.
I manage it and we have a limit of £50 so that's all we spend.
Everyone sends their list out of what they would like for around that price and everyone is happy.
We then all get together and buy mum and dad something from all of us. £50-ish each so a nice £200 pressie.
Could this be an option for his side? for the adults at least?

For nephews and nieces we all agree how much and just put together a pot of money and split it evenly and they get money. Done! Hardly any present buying. It's bliss. We found this worked best as we have kids but one sister doesn't and it would mean she has to spend more than the rest of us.

Original poster
LidlSoph · 15/09/2015 11:37

Well no we can't afford it, as mentioned above, we've lots of bills and even sore attests to pay! Confused

He is usually rather generous when it suites him but he doesn't buy all these people birthday presents, apart from his brothers and mum/dad.

Sorry, should have mentioned that this is about Christmas Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LidlSoph · 15/09/2015 11:38

*some arrears

OP posts:
OctoberCupcake · 15/09/2015 11:39

Is this for Christmas? Unless you can comfortably afford it then I don't think YABU. DH & I usually have a limit of maximum £50 on each other, and probably a max of £20 per person for close family (which only amounts to 3 on my side and 4 on his).

I'm not sure about stopping buying for adults once they have children; it's not something that's relevant in our family at the moment, but I would prefer to get everyone something small & meaningful. It's the thought that counts after all, not the amount you've spent.

I know a couple of families who do secret santa, where each member of the wider family buys for just one other. Of course that requires everyone to agree.

kewtogetin · 15/09/2015 11:39

Gosh you sound very controlling. So you are allowed to have a 'rule' about presents but he's not?! It's YOUR rule, not his, and as such he doesn't have to abide by it.
Maybe he likes to buy presents and spoil his family?! I'm sure in the months to come this forum will be awash with posts from women who's husbands are controlling over what they spend at Christmas and no doubt their will be plenty of outrage and LTB's.......
And as for calling your partner a 'daft monkey', well it just adds to your controlling patronising post really doesn't it?

BestZebbie · 15/09/2015 11:43

YABU trying to impose your family way of doing things on his wider family, wrt who gets a gift and what is a suitable gift for an adult.

However, YANBU in this particular year if he plans to spend a large chunk of money that you can't afford in your family budget - what he wants to buy with it is irrelevant to that. If you can't afford the outgoing he has planned, he will have to reduce it (obviously assuming that you are not currently spending a similar amount on something you want elsewhere, in which case you'd both need to rein it in until your immediate bills can be serviced first).

Original poster
LidlSoph · 15/09/2015 11:44

Kewtigetin, I'm hardly 'controlling' when we are in doubt of arrears by over £1000! I'm sorry, but that should most certainly come before presents in my eyes. We simply can't afford it.

I haven't told him of any 'Rules', I've just suggested so we don't end up eating peas until the New Year.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 15/09/2015 11:45

I agree with kewtogetin

You don't get to put your foot down, you're not his boss or mum. If he's spending joint money or expecting you to pay half you can decline but if it's his then it's his call as long as he can afford his proportion of the bills and payments to arrears.

You talking about your rules just come across as your way is the right and only way. Do you buy your side birthday presents? Because if so and he doesn't it probably balances out over the year on how much is spent.

lighteningirl · 15/09/2015 11:45

We used to argue about this loads very tricky my dsd and dss would get triple presents my dc did as would mil and fil and I am the higher earner and good with money he always has debts. We now have some joint finances some separate money and he no longer does it. In your shoes I would spend same on my family if he says you can afford it and finances are joint spend it out of joint pot and let it play out. Spending six months paying off Xmas presents is just daft but if that's how he wants it let him be in charge. If it's separate money then your whole finances might need rejigging (I may have read it wrong but it sounds like your money is joint and his is his).

Muckogy · 15/09/2015 11:46

you say you have bills and arrears.
therefore - yes, i think he's being unreasonable when you are already under financial pressure.

i had an ex like this. we hadn't a pot to piss in, but he thought nothing of taking the bread out of our mouths to buy junk for himself and his waster family.

you both are financially mismatched and he sounds very immature.

do you want me to come round and give him a kick up the arse? kidding. Grin kind of

kewtogetin · 15/09/2015 11:48

'I haven't told him of any rules'.....erm your opening post States 'my rule is'.....

Original poster
LidlSoph · 15/09/2015 11:49

Ha, you've hit the nail on the head there. We are most certainly financially mismatched, but I do love him, it's just this is all so ridiculous when we haven't got a penny to out names.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/09/2015 11:49

Well I dont' think you're being unreasonable at all.

It's all very well spending that much at Christmas if you can actually afford to, but since you can't then he should be pulling his belt in, even if just to clear the arrears.

Household bills and arrears should come first, before adults presents.

Duckdeamon · 15/09/2015 11:49

He is being unreasonable to spend more than you can afford and spending before paying off debts.

anothernumberone · 15/09/2015 11:49

You are totally not being unreasonable about not increasing debt and particularly arrears to buy Christmas presents for extended family. I am completely aghast by some of the replies you have received to the contrary but that is Mumsnet for you.

kewtogetin · 15/09/2015 11:49

And if he doesn't buy them birthday presents then £50 isn't really OTT in my opinion, especially if you are buying birthday presents for your family.

ScarletRuby · 15/09/2015 11:52

After reading your post again I agree that a conversation needs to be had considering you have done debts to pay. However I think the language of your post is unreasonable. I hate it when people say things like 'I'll have to put my foot down' it smacks of thinking that (to coin another hateful phrase) it's my way or the high way. Speak to him like an equal.

shiteforbrains · 15/09/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

passthenutellaplease · 15/09/2015 11:58

Wow to the people calling OP controlling....is hardly call it that! Sensible perhaps but certainly
Not controlling to clear debt prior to
Blowing it on presents!