To really put my foot down with DP?

[LidlSoph]

Once again, DP is spending £50 EACH on every close family member on his side. That includes his Mum, Stepdad, Dad, Brother, Brother's partner, Brother's daughter, little brother, and both grandparents on each side!

Last year we went splits but I'm pulling my hair out thinking about doing it all again this year and said to DP "I don't think it's sensible and it's even a little ridiculous", his reply was "well how about I buy my side and you stick to just buying your side?"

It's really pissed me off, because financially we're bound so each others finances affect both of us as a couple.

My rule is, once a close family member has children, they no longer qualify for a present and the child gets the gift. My other rule is that (apart from Mum), grown ups only get food/wine!

We have bills to pay and slight arrears to manage, yet he's saying "I can do it" to spending £700+ on family!

What can I say to him? AIBU since it's coming out of his own pocket or is he just a daft monkey?

YANBU if you share your finances and you have debts then no he shouldn't be spending £700 on his family for Christmas.Surely if you share finances then it's your money as well OP.

The opening post stated 'it's coming out of his own pocket' hence yes, telling someone else what they can or can't spend their money on is controlling.

The opening post stated 'it's coming out of his own pocket' hence yes, telling someone else what they can or can't spend their money on is controlling.

Does he really get to have 'his own pocket' when his family is in debt though? It doesn't work like that in my house...

Dojo, it doesn't say anywhere that they have children?? I very much got the impression we were talking about two adults with seperate finances here and as such replied accordingly. Of course if there are children involved that is different but 2 adults with seperate finances should not be telling each other what they can and cannot spend, making 'rules' 'putting my foot down' or indeed calling the other 'daft monkey'.

Hmm. Under ordinary circumstances I'd say if one partner wants to spend a lot on presents and it's coming out of their own 'fun' money rather than the communal pot, that's their business. But in these circumstances, there surely isn't any spare money? Presumably arrears refers to either rent or mortgage, so the roof over your heads is being endangered OP, and I'm also guessing you don't have savings or you'd have used them to clear the arrears. With that in mind, he's BU to spend on anything inessential until your home is secure again. The same goes for you too of course OP, you both need to pare your spending back to the bare minimum. Actually I'd be telling family we couldn't afford to spend anything on Christmas this year due to the arrears and would ask for no presents in return. There's nothing wrong with carrying a bit of debt, but the security of your home comes above nearly everything.

Kewtogetin OP says they're 'financially bound'. I don't know exactly what that means, but it suggests they don't have separate finances.

Absolutely you need to say that the maximum amount possible of arrears and debts must be paid off before you even start thinking of presents. And it would make sense to agree a maximum amount of money to be spent on presents outside the immediate family.

I have to admit I get increasingly cynical about presents to and from people you don't know that well. IME at least 70% are things that the donee doesn't realistically want and they end up gathering dust, being thrown away or going to charity shops and school fairs. On that basis it just isn't worth paying out £50 per person.

I used to have the same discussion with dh. He would insist on giving 10 per person, so 20 from the both of us, even tho i wasnt working and had no income. In the end his mum told him it was insane and that she gives 5 for both her and fil. Once he realised he was giving more than others he scaled it back. It coincided with a decline in family parties which was fortunate. Would one of your ILs be able to intervene?

Im not without sympathy for your dh either. If you are a person who shows love by buying presents then cutting back is like saying i love you less than last year. So you may need to acknowledge that this will be tough for him.

But you are right and sensible, and that debts accruing interest should be prioritised.

Compromise.

£50 each is way too much if you don't have the spare money, and also pretty wasteful. Also it's hard to know what to get for people. Other than from close family members, I've never been given a present I've actually wanted.
Set a limit.

If he insists on spending this much out of joint money that you really can't afford, can you reduce spending on other things to recoup the money? Eg explain to him that no you can't afford the concert/holiday etc. I know that effects you too but it might get the point across.

Grrrrrrrr! Why are people so obsessed with this consumer-fest?!

You're not married so as long as he's meeting his 50% share of the bills then surely he can spend his earnings as he sees fit. Some spend on wine, others clothes and some like to spoil family at special occasions.

If DH started telling me what I could and couldnt spend my own money on at Christmas he'd be reminded I'm a adult and capable of making my own decisions.