AIBU to wonder if men 'marry well'?

[Prole]

I'd never even thought about the concept of marrying 'well' until seeing it here. Marriage for love was my naive belief. Am I right that 'well' is a euphemism for richer?

All the references here seem to be about women marrying well but as the majority of poster are women then it's probably not the full picture. Is as much of a mainly female consideration as it appears?

I'm sure there are a number of interpretations of it.

In some circles it may mean marrying a similarly wealthy or aristocratic person (not all would consider themselves wealthy these days).

To me it means marrying a good person who loves you and will treat you with respect.

I was raised to marry well. By that it means a woman aspires to marry a hard working man who will provide for and protect his family and a man will marry well in a dutiful wife who will give him son and heir, feed him, tend to his needs and be faithful to him. I tried to live up to it but I doubt I did in a few ways

My husband married well

(white middle class male here) My parents gave me the expectation not to marry for love or "well" but for happiness, ie, mutual support, beneficience, ability to raise a family and of course love was part of the mix. Class was irrelevant and they never mentioned it.

When I said I was going to get engaged to (now) DW, their first question was whether we would agree about money.

mine too maras2

I was raised to never expect a woman to adopt a 'traditional' role in terms of feeding and tending to my needs whatever that means. "Don't be another useless man" was the much repeated phrase. I don't see any particular role as gender specific. Fidelity is a given to me so I wouldn't see it as especially virtuous.

If you marry someone who stays as good as they were, then great but isn't that simply 'marriage' without the 'well'?

Toad - what does 'agree about money' mean? I'm not sure. Does it means whether you both work or how the household is funded?

My parents's concern was that whatever model my DW and I adopted it would be by agreement. Whether DW stayed at home and kept house was something they regard as none of their business.

To my mind, agreeing about money means agreeing on who takes on the role of main breadwinner, agreeing on financial matters (e.g. house purchase, mortgage and so on) and a budget.

I know a man who was encouraged to marry well, and did. She was not his great love but her family had bags of money and his family had always wanted money and aspired to it but had never managed it. I think they are still together but not many of us see them anymore as they took up pretty quickly with her set.

I think Toad means both of those things, Prole, and also how it is spent?

Well, my parents didn't bring me up with any particular expectations about what model a marriage should follow. I was never told to expect to support a SAH wife, or expect that my wife should also work. It was more that I should choose someone capable of sitting down and coming to agreement on stuff, or at least a workable compromise.

As it happens, my marriage has worked out as old-fashioned. I earn 70% of the joint income, down from 95% last year. Out of this I pay the bills and remit some to DW for expenses she has. But this is nothing to do with my upbringing, but more to do with the way things have worked out. My elder siblings' partners both earn the same as them.

My ex husband married well...I financed his lifestyle, worked at a career, worked hard at home, had full responsibility for household admin and childcare and basically gave far more to that relationship than he ever did.

I'd never have a relationship with someone who was poor now. I'm not expecting to be 'kept' or given anything. I'm expecting to give 50% to the relationship

My mum used to tell me not to bother getting married at all

Marrying well can mean richer and cuts both ways it seems - now I know. Interesting to learn people approach relationships with definite criteria - I always made it up as I went along in relationships and everything else. Probably where I went wrong.

For my working class mother, marrying well, meant marrying a man who would be a step up the sociology economic ladder. Her value was her looks, my father's was his money and drive. It didn't make either of them happy but I can understand it on a biological level.

I also 'married well' but for me it meant someone who was my equal financially but also is very kind.

sofato5miles How does social-mobilty tie in with biology? It seems cynical to me (and I'm a terrible cynic).

I would say I married well. Dh is a great dad, good husband. He isn't Rich and many times I have earned more but dh has always strived to give us a better life. Again a better life depends your point of view. Currently we don't earn what we have previously but work for ourseleves and work from home and have great balance and can work around the children.

I was encouraged to ins someone who I could be part of a team with, regardless of class, status etc.

I have never come across this outside of an Austen novel, let alone on MN.

Coming from a working class background and estate, my parents never even talked about the subject! They certainly never set an example about how a marriage should be unless you count the wife being mentally abused by a controlling man!

My parents encouraged me to marry well. The criteria being he had to be a professional man, with a degree plus professional qualifications and i was brought up to be a housewife (but i had to go to uni). I support my husband by doing everything so that he can do his job and i also have a part time job. Yes its restricting. I cannot have a job/hobby/ any interest that interferes with his job. But his job finances our families lifestyle. Ive learned to adapt. He is a nice guy by the way

If it makes a difference i come from an Asian background where arranged marriages are the norm

red I have seen at least 2 threads in the last couple of weeks talking about women who marry 'well'. It's only something I come across here though, never heard it being discussed in RL

I married well, I was taught to marry a man for his values. Dh and I have been together since college, where mutual interests and values made us best friends. . He valued quiet family life, wasn't one for wild nights out. He liked history and politics and took his education seriously. We were the same so we just clicked.
Nothing to do with money really. But we both wanted serious careers so we both ended up with enough.

I know a few men who married well, they are a lot older than me, so I don't know if it was their mission to do so, or just fluke, but certainly they have reaped the rewards of marrying into wealthy families,

I also know someone whose parents desperately wanted him to marry into farming stock, and I think seriously pushed the issue for a while. He ultimately didn't, as tends to often be the way!

Lol what a daft saying. I've heard it but thought it was always a bit sad.
If my wife was supposed to marry "well" we'd be buggered lol. She is better educated then I am has always made more money then me but we make one heck of a team. Now she works full time and I look after our 2 kids (one of whom is disabled) full time. It really works for us, although we both get jealous of the other from time to time.
Thanks god we only married for love.

I've never heard it discussed in here or in real life, only in old fashioned novels, but always took it to mean marrying someone wealthier / from a higher class background.

Most people I know have married people that they are more or less the social equal of, but I can think of a few couples were the woman is from the wealthier / more posh background.