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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my DD's boyfriend?

30 replies

Distracted34 · 15/09/2015 00:35

DD is in her early twenties and has been going out the BF for almost a year.

He's driving me mad and I'm not sure if I'm just being a grumpy old cow.

He follows her everywhere- if she's at work, he'll show up ten mins before she 's due to finish to meet her. If he can't do that because he's at work, then he comes straight to our house once he's finished. (Which can be anything between 4-6pm, he stays until 11pm ish.) It's constant, 7 nights a week.

It's really starting to annoy me- am I just getting grumpy in my old age? (DD is getting fed up of it too!)

OP posts:
sykadelic · 15/09/2015 00:49

What's his reasoning for meeting her?

The meeting her after work isn't really your business in that it doesn't affect you personally. However coupled with being there EVERY day, seems like he doesn't want her to have any alone time and is making sure she's where she's "supposed to be".

I don't think you're getting grumpy, I think you're sensing something that's not making you comfortable.

Perhaps you should have a conversation with your daughter about you guys just having "family time"?

M0rven · 15/09/2015 01:14

He's at your house 7 nights a week ? What a pain .

When does your DD see her friends ? It all sounds a bit claustrophobic

Hellocampers · 15/09/2015 01:22

It wouldn't bother me if it didn't bother my dd.

However it clearly is so you are picking up on her annoyance and quite right too.

He's either a really nice but a tad needy guy or a controlling one who may need watching.

Either way if your dd is getting fed up then chat to her and set boundaries of when he can come and when he can't.

Guessing she will send him packing soon anyway op.

Tiggeryoubastard · 15/09/2015 01:27

You don't want him there 7 nights a week? Say so.

Baconyum · 15/09/2015 02:17

I agree its not just about the inconvenience to you, this sounds REALLY clingy. Why is your daughter not saying anything? Does she know she can tell him she doesn't want to see him EVERY DAY? Why aren't you saying anything? My DM would have. Especially as its your home.

TheExMotherInLaw · 15/09/2015 02:27

Alarm bells ringing here. He sounds as if he is smothering her. If he is this bad as a boyfriend, he'd get far far worse. Not healthy for either of them.

ReRegRhonda · 15/09/2015 02:30

My ex was like this. Then he pinned me to the bed by the throat. I'd keep a very close eye on him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/09/2015 06:58

Get her to talk to him, (As he is always at your place she can do it there, safe in the knowledge that you are about if things turns nasty).

If it doesn't get resolved after that, as she is already fed up she could get rid.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/09/2015 07:09

You could very reasonably ask them both for a few visitor-free evenings per week.

I'd also chat with your daughter and ask her if she's comfortable with the situation. If not, give her some advice.

Collaborate · 15/09/2015 07:26

I'm frankly astounded at where some of your imaginations are wandering at the actions of a clingy boyfriend. I think it's sad.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/09/2015 07:29

Have a chat with DD and help her come up with a way to talk to him and let him know she needs more space.

Every night is fine if everyone is happy - not if not.

ilovesooty · 15/09/2015 07:51

She's an adult. Why is she not telling him it isn't on if she is fed up of it? It's your home - tell him he isn't welcome to intrude to this extent.

DoreenLethal · 15/09/2015 07:54

I'm frankly astounded at where some of your imaginations are wandering at the actions of a clingy boyfriend. I think it's sad.

Because it is a red flag for further abuse. Not having any sort of life outside of a girlfriend/boyfriend is not good.

OP - the next time he doesn't escort her home, take her out for a surprise meal and see what his response is to her not being home. If it isn't 'no worries, enjoy and see you tomorrow' then you may have to have a word with her about red flags and suchlike.

OhWotIsItThisTime · 15/09/2015 08:00

Keep an eye on him. Doesn't he have any friends?

rollonthesummer · 15/09/2015 08:05

Don't they ever go out or go to his? Do either of them have friends?

I have to say this would piss me off if I never got any evenings with my house to myself-especially if he was annoying!

Have you spoken to her about it-does she know how you feel? Your house: your rules, ultimately!

EponasWildDaughter · 15/09/2015 08:12

They've been going out for about a year. The daughter is obviously living at home with OP. Is the BF living with his parents? Maybe it's just a case of him not wanting to be at his own home as much for some reason? More comfortable at OPs?

2 of my DDs are teens or early 20s with long term BFs and both of them prefer to spend time here in our house than be at their own home. They don't go out a lot as they're saving. They all end up sat in the living room sometimes with us watching TV, playing games or playing with little DD4. It's nice. although i do think sometimes that when i was that age i'd have rather died than hung around with a set of parents and an 18 month old baby Grin

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2015 08:53

My DD and her boyfriend were like this.
They had a chat as my DD was getting a bit overwhelmed and they have agreed not to see each other Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
It's working well so far.
She needs to tell him to back off a bit or he'll ruin it entirely.

AnnieNon · 15/09/2015 09:12

I don't think it's necessarily red flag behaviour. It might be but it easily might not be Confused
OP, is he eating and showering at your house? I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say that you don't won't him over quite so much. It's your house and you are entitled to feel comfortable it it. My DCs partners are lovely, polite and respectful but I still love having the house to myself sometimes.

Why don't you have another chat about it with your DD.

M0rven · 15/09/2015 13:19

It doesn't sound like much of a life for a young woman in her 20s . Go to work every day , sit at home with her parents and BF every evening and watch TV . Yawn

Why aren't they going out with friends ( together and separately ) , doing hobbies , sports, joining clubs etc ? This isn't normal or healthy .

She'll end of staying with this loser because she doesn't have a life apart from him

MumEntous · 15/09/2015 13:26

It sounds like you're right to be annoyed, but if DD is feeling the same, then hopefully you won't have to worry for too much longer...

I agree with previous posts, talk to DD about it and see if you can give her any advice.

Original poster
Distracted34 · 15/09/2015 23:48

Thanks! I have spoken to him, but he just doesn't seem to realise that he's starting to get smothering. Will have another chat tomorrow night.

They don't sit in the house all of the time- they do go out and do things but in general they're in. (Both work very demanding jobs though.)

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 15/09/2015 23:58

Yanbu, at all.

I had a boyfriend like that once, briefly, when I first started university. I cannot abide being smothered so that relationship ended rather rapidly.

harrasseddotcom · 15/09/2015 23:59

Dont think you should speak to him. Sorry but thats just weird! Either your DD would need to say something to him or nobody says anything. Did your DD ask you to have a word with him? If she is in her early twenties surely she is able to handle her own relationships?

Baconyum · 16/09/2015 00:00

I'm still concerned that the dd isn't saying anything, maybe doesn't feel she can. Does she have friends? Does he? If they do I can't imagine how those friendships are being nurtured.

I think Doreen's idea is a really good one. His reaction would tell you all you and dd need to know.

RedMapleLeaf · 16/09/2015 08:01

I think you should only talk about him being in your house. Surely the other issues are their private business? You should talk to your daughter if you have concerns, but it's up to her to him isn't it?

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