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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It is rarely ok to ask someone if they are pregnant

40 replies

whatlifestylechoice · 14/09/2015 17:18

The wife of a friend of DP asked me this at the weekend. I am, as it happens, but we'd decided not to tell anyone for a few weeks until we know more. I'm just three months. Unfortunately, I have terrible bloating, so wasn't hiding it well. Blush

But seriously, if we wanted someone to know I'm pregnant, we would tell them. Why would you ask? The answer can only be "no" or "yes, but we didn't want to tell you yet".

I had terrible stomach problems a few years ago with h. Pylori and the amount of people that asked me then too was very upsetting. Made even more so by the fact that we were TTC but not succeeding.
So AIBU to think it's very rude to ask if someone is pregnant f you don't have a very specific reason* for needing to know?

*eg medical, a very very close relative, or the person has a head hanging out of their fanny

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 14/09/2015 17:20

Yanbu. Nosey cow!

colley · 14/09/2015 17:20

Agreed. But it also leads to ridiculous situations where everyone can see a woman is pregnant, but no one is allowed to mention it until she announces it.

hesterton · 14/09/2015 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosterEh · 14/09/2015 17:27

One of our very close friends does this. When I was very early pregnant with dc2 he just asked dh outright and dh was too blindsided to lie.
He asked again whilst we were trying to conceive this pregnancy. I was actually a bit upset at how long it was taking and dh told him to mind his own business.
He seems to think it's a fun thing to do to make us announce before we are ready to and it really pisses me off because he and his wife waited until quite late on to tell anyone and we never asked even when we suspected (and in one case had been told she was by a mutual friend) so I wish he would show us the same courtesy.

ginmakesitallok · 14/09/2015 17:28

As a non pregnant woman who carries all my excess weight round my middle I am sick of people assuming I'm pregnant. Just last week someone who I don't know started her conversation with me "I know you are a woman in a sensitive state but..." I was too Shock to tell her it was cakes and not a foetus. Silly cow.

RuffWearer · 14/09/2015 17:34

But colley, why would you need to mention it, in most cases? It's less a matter of 'not being allowed to mention' something you think is a visible pregnancy (which may not be), more a matter of respecting someone's decision about when to tell you, especially if you're just a work colleague.

And people sometimes have good reason not to make announcements - I didn't tell anyone until really late, because it looked for a while as if I needed urgent medical treatment for an unrelated serious issue that had come up on a scan, treatment that would probably have ended the pregnancy. My close friends at work guessed of course, but we're good enough to never ask and to close down other people's speculation.

RueDesTroisFreres · 14/09/2015 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colley · 14/09/2015 17:40

RuffWearer, I was thinking of a particular instance where a colleague was visibly pregnant for quite a while before she announced it. It simply felt strange to chat to someone every day, and yet ignore this obvious aspect. It would be like me going to work with my arm in a plaster cast and everyone knowing they shouldn't mention it until I announced I had my arm in a plaster cast. It just felt very awkward and unnatural.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/09/2015 17:44

Rude. Every bit as rude as questioning someone on why they don't have kids. The answer will always be either because they don't want them (in which case shut up) or they are struggling/unable to conceive (in which case shut up). Rude as hell.

My daft aunt is obsessed with weight and when my sister was in her first few weeks, Aunt asked our mother if she was pregnant as she looked as if she'd gained weight. Mother was in a difficult position and told Sister it had happened, and Sister rang Aunt to tell her in no uncertain terms why that wasn't on.

PosterEh, your 'close friend' sounds like a knob and you should tell him so. He has no right to do things like that and he needs to know that nobody thinks it's clever or funny.

DoJo · 14/09/2015 17:45

I agree Ruff - I didn't tell anyone except really close friends and family until I was pretty far gone as I wasn't sure whether the pregnancy was going to be able to continue due to the discovery of another condition, so the last thing I wanted was to make small talk with strangers about it.

I still don't to be honest - I know people are just being nice but I, along wiht many other people in my position, are not having straightforward pregnancies and glowing with anticipation, they are worried about complications, suffering from any number of pregnancy-related and non-related health conditions and actually finding the opportunity to talk to someone about something other than their medical records is an enjoyable treat!

hibbleddible · 14/09/2015 17:48

My dd asked dh's friend (overweight, but def not pregnant) if she had a baby in her tummy. We were mortified.

I agree it can be rude, but it is difficult educating a nosy preschooler why.

Theresaflyinmyhouse · 14/09/2015 17:51

Really rude. I had this recently with a pregnancy which I knew at 8 weeks was non viable but nothing was fine until I was 12. I had a ton of bloating and cravings/hormones/sickness. I was asked a million times at work. It was so awkward replying, I'd often say no, but if I was feeling down/sensitive I'd end up blubbing all over them.

The answer is either yes or no. But if it's not volunteered, why ask? Even if it's the most obvious thing ever, it's none of my business.

channingswife · 14/09/2015 17:52

This happened to me not long ago at a funeral, someone asked me if I was pregnant... I wasn't, I was mortified!! The man ignored me for the rest of the wake.
Turns out that was the day we conceived... Spooky!

Theresaflyinmyhouse · 14/09/2015 17:55

Oh and I'm now being asked when I'm going to ttc, again.

I've been trying since January, lost one baby in a very traumatic, long winded way. It's really annoying having to answer that. And the people who didn't believe that I wasn't going to lose the baby told people, so I'm still having to reply to "how many weeks are you now?".

sparechange · 14/09/2015 17:56

colley
You have no idea what was going on with her pregnancy though
It always leads to the same small talk questions, which she might not have been able to answer
For example:
"Oh, you're pregnant then. When are you due?"
"Oh actually we had bad news at our 12 week scan and I have to wait until the next scan to see if the baby will make it, so we aren't really thinking about due dates"
is a MUCH more awkward conversation that you saying in your head 'oh she is blatantly pregnant, I wonder why she won't say anything'

DameDancealot · 14/09/2015 17:56

I have been asked before three times if pregnant or when was I due when I wasn't pregnant. Each time I think, need to go on a diet

absolutelyloveit · 14/09/2015 17:58

On the other hand though, my pregnant friend was really annoyed that no-one asked her when she was pregnant! You can't win em all I guess!

Jw35 · 14/09/2015 17:59

Yes rude definately! I hate all the pregnancy questions! Do you know if it's a boy/girl, have you got any names? Why can't they just wait for an announcement!

colley · 14/09/2015 18:09

sparechange - I understand that.
But it did feel awkward. This wasn't a stranger or a woman I only said hello to. This was a woman that had talked to me about problems with her daughter and other personal issues.
But of course I didn't ask, even though it was obvious she was pregnant.

colley · 14/09/2015 18:11

Jw35 - People ask if it is a boy or girl, or about names, because they don't know what to say, and don't want to seem uninterested. Do you think if someone tells you they are pregnant you should only say congratulations, and then nothing? That seems much more rude.

Unthoughtknown · 14/09/2015 18:16

On the flip side of this, I am terrible at telling people I'm pregnant (and I'm 31 weeks and very visibly so), so it has been relief when people have asked when the baby is due.

BarbarianMum · 14/09/2015 18:17

YANBU having said which, I think everyone guessed when I was pregnant the second time (off tea and coffee, not eating much, occasional bolts to the loo). They were all very discreet about their knowledge though and rather smug about being right when we announced it

Jw35 · 14/09/2015 18:19

I know colley! It doesn't really annoy me it just gets a bit (yawn)

colley · 14/09/2015 18:21

Jw35 - I can understand that. The reality is most people asking won't care about the answers, they are just being polite.

DoJo · 14/09/2015 21:17

I think that makes it more frustrating though colley - people are only asking because they feel rude not following up with questions, so when the pregnany person would rather not go 'through the motions' and knows that they aren't really that fussed either, you get caught in a sort of politeness cycle which does nothing for either of you!
(Plus, one of you probably has a slight overhelping of hormones, some new ache or pain to add to their collection and the increasingly imminent prospect of a room full of people staring up their hoo-ha to add to their discomfort! Grin).

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