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AIBU?

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Original poster

It is rarely ok to ask someone if they are pregnant

40 replies

whatlifestylechoice · 14/09/2015 17:18

The wife of a friend of DP asked me this at the weekend. I am, as it happens, but we'd decided not to tell anyone for a few weeks until we know more. I'm just three months. Unfortunately, I have terrible bloating, so wasn't hiding it well. Blush

But seriously, if we wanted someone to know I'm pregnant, we would tell them. Why would you ask? The answer can only be "no" or "yes, but we didn't want to tell you yet".

I had terrible stomach problems a few years ago with h. Pylori and the amount of people that asked me then too was very upsetting. Made even more so by the fact that we were TTC but not succeeding.
So AIBU to think it's very rude to ask if someone is pregnant f you don't have a very specific reason* for needing to know?

*eg medical, a very very close relative, or the person has a head hanging out of their fanny

OP posts:
sproketmx · 15/09/2015 00:01

Well it depends. I'd not really bother if it was like one of my friends or neighbours but a changing room girl once asked me how long I had to go.... two days after I'd had the baby Angry not amused

Murloc · 15/09/2015 00:27

YANBU.

I hate nosey parkers who ask.

The ONLY acceptable response, in my opinion, to someone telling you that they are upduffed, is the following;

"Congratulations, how lovely. You look great. I hope you're feeling well!"

Not "ooh, how much weight have you put on then", fyi FIL

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 15/09/2015 01:12

Yanbu.

I am unfortunately apple shaped and (whether I am a size 10 or 16) look pregnant unless I remember to suck my stomach in at all times!

Tbh, I am past caring (it's a while since I've been asked anyway as I am 45 now so people must be starting to assume it's just middle aged spread!) but, when I was younger I was left feeling devastated and humiliated a couple of times, epecially if it happened in a group situation.

Have also been in the ridiculous situation where the asker has been mortified and kept apologising for ages and I've almost ended up comforting them whilst wishing they would just shut up about it as they are making me feel even worse!

So, I would never ask anyone else, unless I was stuck in a lift with someone who appeared to be going into labour!

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 15/09/2015 01:15

OH and it really annoys me that men can strut around with guts that look like they could contain sextuplets and noone asks them!!

Baconyum · 15/09/2015 01:25

I've lost 3 babies, I've 2 friends who went through multiple late mc, 1 who had difficulty conceiving and 1 who had a medical condition that made the pregnancy high risk throughout.

The last thing they or I needed was people asking if we were pregnant, how it was going etc. Yet we all experienced insensitive idiots that really put their feet in their mouth.

BerylStreep · 15/09/2015 01:28

I remember a male counterpart telling me that with their last baby, he had to ask his wife explicitly if she was pregnant. They had rather a few already. She replied that yes, of course she was. She was 6 months pregnant. Grin

RedNailPolish101 · 15/09/2015 01:30

I just watched horrible bosses the first one at the weekend and the chap assumes the woman is pregnant... Don't ask EVER!!!

M0rven · 15/09/2015 01:34

YANBU it's really rude and insensitive

TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/09/2015 01:45

I have a knack for knowing when someone is pregnant in the very early stages...I've never said anything to anyone though....I can look at a woman and just know instantly that they are pregnant. The first time it happened, I was 13 and I looked at my older sister who I shared a room with and though her stomach was flat as a pancake I had this overwhelming awareness and I thought "My God! She's pregnant!" I was right....next time it happened it was the DD of my hairdresser who was only 16....she stood looking out of the salon window....again, flat as a pancake in the stomach area but I knew...I know by the way they stand and by a sort of feeling.

kickassangel · 15/09/2015 02:14

The thing is, there really isn't a need to ask someone, is there? If it isn't certain, don't ask, if it obvious, then why would you?

No one goes around saying "is your hair blonde?" when they are talking to someone and can see that it is. Unless there is a reason that you need to know for sure (e.g. about to do an x-ray) then you don't need to know. If it's someone you're close to, they'll tell you when they're ready. Otherwise, stop being nosy. If you're at the stage where you'd definitely ask after their kids, DP, how the weekend was etc, at some point you might chat about the pregnancy, but if you don't know them that well then why are you suddenly interested?

Spartans · 15/09/2015 07:46

I never mention a baby bump unless the person brings it up first.

My close friends at work noticed that was of before I told anyone. The most that was said was 'do you need anything?' And was made extra cups of peppermint tea (my favourite). They never acknowledged they knew until I said I was but I could see the knowing looks when they brought me tea/ asked if I was ok. I love them so much for that!

onecurrantbun1 · 15/09/2015 08:01

I guessed one of my closest friends was pregnant but would never have said anything until she told me. Far too risky; what if they're not (i knew she was ttc)? What if they are and there's a problem? Or if they just don't want to talk about it?!

Another good friend has been asked several times if she is pregnant while at work. She hasn't been, any of the times.She laughs about it but i know she's hurt - I just can't fathom why you ever would!

fairyfeatures · 15/09/2015 09:59

Absolutely so rude! I remember I did it to a work friend once as she told me that she had stopped smoking - nothing to do with her weight. It didn't occur to me until after I had said and was immediately mortified! How rude of me and lesson learned.

To go off on a bit of a tangent, being pregnant now myself - most rude question I find? ''So was it planned?'' I mean *what in the world makes people think they can ask this question!!

Answer 1 : No it was a mistake, we cried for ages when we found out.
Answer 2 : Yes, first shag after coming off the pill and I was up the duff.
Answer 3 : Yes, and actually we started planning 2 years ago and it's been an awful experience but yes, very much planned.

Why would anyone want to get involved in that conversation!!

MrsTedCrilly · 15/09/2015 11:27

I would never say anything until it was common knowledge and they'd announced it, I would be mortified to get it wrong... So awkward. When I was pregnant though I lived in the Middle East, and I loved that everyone came up to me and asked questions.. If everything is going well then I much prefer people taking an interest than avoiding it like it's not happening. I was clearly withchild though! If it was bloating etc I would have felt awful.

A little girl asked me 4 months postpartum when the next one was coming out... Blush My belly was still huge to be fair.

BartholinsSister · 15/09/2015 11:35

The best policy is to never assume a woman is pregnant, unless you can see the head coming out.

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