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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to not take a job he'd love?

77 replies

babybellsmum · 14/09/2015 15:35

DH has been offered a job in a field he loves, he is currently working a 9-5 that he doesn't like...The new job is long, unsociable hours which I have dealt with him doing before so that's fine but I've just found out that he will be working xmas day. We have a 2 year old and will have a 4 week old baby. I've got myself so worked up about it he says he won't take the job but now I feel stupid/guilty for getting so upset about one day of the year (although it would be every year)! Pregnancy hormones probably playing a part but what should I/we do?!

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 14/09/2015 18:42

There's also a massive difference to being in a relationship with someone who has unsociable work hours before you have DCs and after - before you can go out in the evenings, see your own friends, do evening/exercise classes etc, once you've had DCs, being in a relationship with someone working unsociable hours means you are always stuck in alone.

It's not to say he can't take the job, but it's unfair to not acknowledge that his following his dream career will have a negative impact on the rest of his family, and I'd want DH to have a big increase in salary to make up for losing my own free time.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 14/09/2015 18:58

Why school hours jobs? Childcare is usually available from 7-6 so the OP isn't limited. Given her comments re hours, it's safe to presume she doesn't work shifts herself.

Without knowing her working hours it's impossible to say if she will be doing more housework, she may not work at all so therefore be doing the house stuff anyway. It's not really childcare to parent your own child, it's just something you do.

Presumably the DH was a chef before children came along so it wasn't unknown re the hours etc.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/09/2015 19:01

Okay, maybe not limited to school hours but it still places limits on what you can do. She'll have to work hours that fit around childcare - so she needs to start late enough to get children to childcare and pick up again at the end of the day.

I don't know many childcare places that start at 7am unless it's childminding, though. Around here everywhere opens at 8am.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/09/2015 19:09

Another issue wrt to childcare is chef's hours are rarely the same every week. So he won't be working, say, 2-10 everyday, it'll change everyday and every week, so planning regular childcare will be pretty impossible unless they're willing to pay for days that they might not need (e.g. when DH has a day off mid-week and can drop off/pick-up unexpectedly).

Shifts with rotating hours plus childcare often make having two full-time working parents impossible. The logistics can be a nightmare, not to mention the cost and the impact on family life (and on the social life of the partner who is stuck at home every evening watching the kids).

Twatters · 14/09/2015 19:16

Op, I can understand how you feel, it's the fact you were prepared, for going back to the unsociable hours. But the extra loss of Christmas day, is like a kick in the gutts.

I agree with everyone else who says this isn't just about Christmas. The Christmas day thing is probably just the straw that broke the camels back......... and hormones,

I can't give any advice, only that I've been there done that got the t-shirt, then a New job and it got better, then another New job ment I bought another t-shirt, (It can be shit sometimes)

Flowers
NickyEds · 14/09/2015 19:48

It's not just one day, though

This. If it was just about Christmas every other year then op is BU but it's not. It's long hours all of the time. Yes resentment can build if he doesn't take the job but resentment can work both ways. If op ends up doing the lions share of the childcare, compromising her own work, sat at home with two very young children etc so that he can go for his dream job then that's hardly ideal is it?

Spilose · 14/09/2015 19:49

I would absolutely not make a decision based on working Xmas day. I'd tell him to go for it - the kids are still young

BackforGood · 14/09/2015 20:14

If it were just Christmas, I'd say YWBU - as others have said, you can have two Christmases - one with Grandparents and then your own day a week or two later when he's not working.
but
the 12 months a year of long hours would be a lot harder to deal with when you have 2 little ones. Yes, I know people manage, and I know people manage as lone parents, or parents who are on their own for months at a stretch, but this is about choice. Has he remembered what it was like working those hours? Doesn't he prefer seeing his dc?

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2015 20:18

I'd tell him to go for it, too. If he's home by 7pm you can have a lovely Christmas evening then. You can't base what you do 362 days of the year on those remaining 3 days.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 14/09/2015 20:22

No childcare 7-6 where I am. For someone reason start is usually 8 and end is about half five. Not that that means no job obviously!
I hope the OP's DH appreciates the sacrifices she is making for his choice of career.

DinosaursRoar · 14/09/2015 20:34

Yes, the issue with someone working unconventional hours on a rotating shift, but being certain that bank holidays, weekends, Christmas etc are more likely to be working than not (as that's when the demand for eating out is higher), is that the other parent has to plan childcare, christmas and other family 'special events' as if they are a single parent.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/09/2015 20:49

Some people are really missing the point here.

NickyEds · 14/09/2015 20:52

How so TheBunny?

museumum · 14/09/2015 20:59

My brothers a chef. He loves it. He's tried other stuff over the years and trained as a joiner and a bus driver but always goes back to kitchens. It's a compulsion. It's rubbish for his girlfriend but it's who he is.
It sounds like the OPs dh really tried a different job and just misses cheffing too much.

LieselVonTwat · 14/09/2015 21:07

Christmas seems like a bit of a red herring, tbh. Like, I would have all kinds of issues with him abandoning a family friendly hours role for something that would prevent him from being able to do much childcare, but Christmas would be pretty near the bottom. Yet you seem quite blithe about the aspects of the job that are likely to be much more significant to your family life in the grand scheme of things. It sounds like you're not seeing the wood for the trees for whatever reason.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 14/09/2015 21:21

This reply has been deleted

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ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 14/09/2015 21:27

My husband use to be a chef. His best friends a chef. Its an awful job,the hours are shite and don't fit in with family life. He left and I'd never want him to go back ever. Working every weekend, Xmas etc. No yanbu

Twatters · 14/09/2015 21:28

yabu and yes, you are being a douche.
expect your selfishness to turn on you and give you a well deserved hard bite in the arse, at some point in the future.
sounds like you have some growing up to do.
maybe work on that before your next child arrives

Wow maybe apply your name to yourself.

Quite unnecessary

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 14/09/2015 21:34

Calm yourself, stop being an absolute dick.

BackforGood · 14/09/2015 21:36

What an odd and nasty thing to say CalmYouself Hmm

Decisions about what jobs either partner takes should be thought about by both parents IMO. The hours he may well end up working will impact HUGELY on the OP's life - it's something her and her dh need to decide together. I for one, would not want to be married to a chef whose contract was as bad as the OP's dh (and, I suspect, quite a lot of other people who work in hospitality) - yes, you have to look at how much he enjoys or dislikes the other job, but you also have to look at the impact on the marriage and on the dc, and, quite possibly, find a compromise elsewhere.

Original poster
babybellsmum · 14/09/2015 21:48

Wow calm yourself, cheers for that. Every one else, thank you for your opinions/advice (sorry I've been out for a couple hours working).

I'm self employed, some of which I can do with children in tow but mostly not so I will have to cut back my workload. I think I'm ok (ish) with the hours because he's been very upfront with the employer about what he is willing to do. I.e. only 5 days a week, when I was used to him working 6 or 7 previously. It will be harder with two children but I did it for a year with one so I'm sure I can cope. You guys have put it into perspective that it is only one day and I'd rather us be happy all year round than for him to be unhappy for the sake of making us happy on Xmas.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 14/09/2015 21:50

Oh, I don't think I'd be happy about this either. Cheffing is not that well-paid is it (might be wrong here?) so it's not as though you'll be more able to pay for extra help to give you a rest/go to work. Are there not other chef jobs that don't require you to work every public holiday?

Original poster
babybellsmum · 14/09/2015 21:51

No Swedish it's no we'll paid for the hours.

OP posts:
Elisheva · 14/09/2015 21:52

I really think YANBU. Long, unsociable hours do not fit with family life. You may have been fine with it before but two small children is really hard work. And if it's every Christmas then I would hate that. This can't be the only other job available. Can you acknowledge that he hates his job and needs a new one, but ask him to wait for one with more agreeable hours?

Twatters · 14/09/2015 22:08

The thing is as your family grows so will your outgoings, and if you are restricted to how many hours you work or can not take on an extra job to supplement your income you can be left feeling pretty trapped and skint.
I'm only Speaking from Experience, and everyone is different, but dh job paid well, but our outgoing went up and I felt frustrated at not being able to generate extra money, by overtime/second job Like a Sat job or evening work. being skint and isolated is no fun.