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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to not take a job he'd love?

77 replies

babybellsmum · 14/09/2015 15:35

DH has been offered a job in a field he loves, he is currently working a 9-5 that he doesn't like...The new job is long, unsociable hours which I have dealt with him doing before so that's fine but I've just found out that he will be working xmas day. We have a 2 year old and will have a 4 week old baby. I've got myself so worked up about it he says he won't take the job but now I feel stupid/guilty for getting so upset about one day of the year (although it would be every year)! Pregnancy hormones probably playing a part but what should I/we do?!

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 14/09/2015 15:56

Tbf it sounds a drudge the hours i mean but i guess if thats what he does for a living and he moved 9-5 and didnt like it he wants to go back he might be able to negociate a day off 1 of the days ?

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2015 15:59

The long hours - so long hours for you doing more than half the childcare - would bother me.

ilovesooty · 14/09/2015 16:01

He's negotiated where he can and he's given other work a go and he hates it.

It's one day and at the moment your children are too young even to know if you move it.
YABU, sorry.

Mrsjayy · 14/09/2015 16:06

I think im used to unsocial hours now dh is often on call kids get used to it its a pita but It is their work sometimes you have to suck it up

Original poster

babybellsmum · 14/09/2015 16:07

No doubt he has been incredible. He gave up a job he loved in order to spend more time with us (and have a social life of his own) and has given this one a good go but I know he hates it. He's told this prospective job that he will only work 5 days a week (albeit they are loooong days but that's cheffing) and he's said he wants 2 weeks paternity (even though he wouldn't technically be entitled). I think he's been amazing and I feel like a douche for feeling the way I do but I can't help it. Arrghhh....

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 14/09/2015 16:09

I might have to work a 12 hour shift on Xmas day. It worries me as well because I don't want to leave my husband with 5 hyper children when I know it will stress him out (he finds Xmas difficult and has MH problems) and of course I would hate to miss out on seeing them opening presents and sadly, I can't imagine any of them wanting to do it another day.

That said YABU. I would be really pissed off if my husband made me feel guilty for it. I know he will struggle but he has tried to convince me it will all be fine because he doesn't want to make me feel bad. I will probably have to work a lot of Xmases and boxing days and bank holiday's. It does suck for everyone so I understand how you feel.

rainpouringrainbows · 14/09/2015 16:23

It is completely understandable that the idea first made you really upset. I would be too. But then, you have to remember how many hours a day are spent at work, it's horrible if you hate it.

Would he have other time off to compensate? Could it take time off in January, so you have something to look forward to?

I remember my dad working on most Christmas days, and frankly, it must have been much harder for him than it was for us, it was just accepted as normal. When he was in the country, he was always around to open the presents (so sometimes on Christmas Eve, sometimes early Christmas days), and as child, I promise you it was no hardship.
We were not upset either when he was away, he was missed, but we spent a lot of time doing Christmas cards and handmade gifts for him. We felt a bit sorry for him, whilst we were happy and comfy at home!

Could you afford a cleaner, or mother help a few hours a week, so you have help with the chores to compensate for his long working hours (not talking about Christmas here)

I would prefer my husband to be happy at work, then the whole family is happy too.

TheWitTank · 14/09/2015 17:24

I would just celebrate Christmas another day with dh and have a chilled out day on the 25th. The children are too little to really know/care anyway and you can easily do a turkey dinner/Christmas pud a few days before or after. Can you spend the 25th with family/friends if you don't fancy being alone with the children?
I can understand your feelings, but I do think that it would be a mistake to give up a great opportunity for one day. Sorry op, yabu.

Penfold007 · 14/09/2015 17:43

My DH has to work over Christmas just like its a normal week, NYE and day the same. DCs have never known any different, we've made our own traditions and it's fine.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/09/2015 17:48

Honestly...lots of people have to work Christmas and bank holidays. It's just one day, and presumably won't necessarily be every Christmas. It would be a real shame for him to give up on a great opportunity (how many of us get offered jobs we know we'd love?) for the sake of one day.

He would still get a day off in lieu, so you can still have a family day together...and it may even be nicer having time off work together when everyone else is on the daily grind.

rollonthesummer · 14/09/2015 17:50

I probably wouldn't be happy either. I'd hide it though and tell him to take the job. DH is now in a job he likes as opposed to 15 years of misery in his old one-he's like a different person. I couldn't be responsible for making him turn down such an opportunity-it could destroy a relationship.

Would he be the sole chef there? Surely he won't be in charge 7 days a week? You said he'd be working 5 days so who will be doing the other 2? Can't your dh share the Christmas shifts with them?

squoosh · 14/09/2015 17:52

It would depend how unhappy he was in his current job. The OP's happiness should be a factor too.

GreenPetal94 · 14/09/2015 17:53

As your children are young you could fake up Christmas on a day he was off. They won't know the difference. My parents are far away and we still have "Christmas" whenever we see them in Dec.

A happy DH is good.

Murfles · 14/09/2015 17:53

I've never known DH not to work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day. We've always had family over for Christmas and he just gets home when he's done at work. It's never been an issue even when the children were small. As others have said you make your own traditions. We do a big dinner on 27th Dec when DH has the day off. As for present opening we did that before he left in the morning.

TheOddity · 14/09/2015 17:59

Yanbu to be upset at all about Christmas Day because that's horrible for you all, but I think if he will be happier on the whole, so will you. If he is working all of Christmas, couldn't you and the kids save up and travel to your parents for the Chirstmas period. It's a bit rubbish for him but if he wants the job this much he must see it isn't worth ruining everyone's crazily Christmas for.

TheOddity · 14/09/2015 18:01

Crazily = family!

squoosh · 14/09/2015 18:04

Most families can be a bit crazily!

Goldmandra · 14/09/2015 18:08

I feel like a douche for feeling the way I do but I can't help it. Arrghhh....

You need to put your feelings to one side and give him your blessing to take this job. You cannot expect him to put your happy Christmas experiences before his own happiness five days a week for the whole of the rest of the year.

If he turns this job down because of pressure from you, he may well begin to feel resentful and that's not a recipe for a happy family life.

I love family Christmases but I would also prefer my DH to be in a job that makes him happy and miss every Christmas than so him trudge out of the door every day to a job he doesn't enjoy.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 14/09/2015 18:11

His happiness is just as important as yours, does he make you do a job you don't like whilst making a huge fuss about you not doing your dream job? I'm guessing not.

One day of sacrifice in return for his happiness is not too much to ask.

squoosh · 14/09/2015 18:11

I think that's mean Cookie.

stellasealcat · 14/09/2015 18:11

you are being ridiculous

squoosh · 14/09/2015 18:13

It isn't just one day of sacrifice, the lion's share of childcare will fall to the OP.

Focusfocus · 14/09/2015 18:13

If my DH stopped me from pursuing my career passions (and oh am I passionate about my field of research!) I'm afraid I'd need to rethink how much and how well he knows me. Yes family is about compromise. Precisely so.

DinosaursRoar · 14/09/2015 18:24

Another thought, does him working unsocailable hours mean that you will struggle to work yourself after DC2 is a little older? Does working those hours mean that once your DCs are school age (which will fly by), your DH won't see them at all on working days vs. being at home for bath and bedtime every night now? Does it mean that your DCs will never get daddy at home over the christmas period, or would there be a rota for other years?

It does seem hard on you, are there likely to be other jobs that would be an improvement for him but not quite so harsh hours? You mention that previously he had to work Christmas eve and boxing day but not Christmas day, is it likely he'd be able to get another job that's a more halfway situation?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 14/09/2015 18:29

It's not just one day, though. Unsociable hours probably means OP will really struggle to find a job because there's no childcare at 11 at night or at 5 in the morning. So her job will have to fit around school hours, and it means she'll do bedtimes and the bulk of childcare/housework while her DH works.

It all depends on whether the OP is okay to do that or not. That's a big sacrifice to make for one person, plus surely it means the kids won't see their dad much.

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