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WIBU to ask him for help?

17 replies

Welshmaenad · 14/09/2015 14:04

V quick background: I'm back and forth to the dr trying to pin down a diagnosis of what in pretty sure us fibromyalgia (talking to Dr friends and fellow sufferers). I'm having an especially bad couple of weeks, I'm in a lot of pain that my prescription needs aren't touching, my sleep is appalling and I'm pretty immobile and miserable.

Had a really busy few days and paying the price, I didn't get to sleep till gone 3 due to pain and was exhausted this morning. I very very rarely ask him, but this morning asked DH to take the kids to breakfast club. It means him getting a later train than usual which gets him to work on time, orca minor itv two early as opposed to 15-20 minutes early which he preferred. He was really arsey and asked 'Why???' so I said it was due to lack of sleep and being in a lot of pain. He very reluctantly agreed so I got back into bed.

He then proceeded to be an absolute arse to the kids, made dd cry as she asked him to swap the crisps in her pack lunch, he refused then started shouting at her. I got upland went downstairs to see what the fuss was about and he started snapping that he couldn't get the crisp box down as 'he had a bad back' (first I'd heard but he has firm for developing flu if I have a bad cold iyswim). I was really angry at him and told him to just go to work and I would take the kids myself, which I did, but I'd much rather not have had to go out in the car when I was feeling so awful.

Was it really such a big ask and WIBU to be annoyed at his attitude and tell him to aid off to work and let me take the kids?

OP posts:

Chillyegg · 14/09/2015 14:07

Is he always a twat. ?


Welshmaenad · 14/09/2015 14:07

Typo heaven. Sorry.

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 14/09/2015 14:09

No, not really, but I don't think he understands how awful I feel at the moment and seems to be constantly insinuating I'm just lazy. I get huffs and eye rolls if I don't get much done around the house etc. I'd love to have it show home sparkly but the effort involved is beyond me!

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 14/09/2015 14:10

This reminds me of a nasty accident DD2 had at home, DD2 was almost in the ambulance when I said, you OK to take the other 2 to school, ill arrange pick up, and he saidbut I have to get to work!.... cue nasty glare!! No YANBU to want their dad to help out sometimes.


MythicalKings · 14/09/2015 14:11

YABU to take over. That's exactly what he wanted you to do.


Welshmaenad · 14/09/2015 14:35

It probably was, but the kids were upset and I felt guilty lying in bed listening to him snapping at them.

OP posts:

CocktailQueen · 14/09/2015 14:39

I can sympathise, OP, I would have wanted to take over too.

What a twat, though - cross at you so takes his feeling out on your dc. Nice. Not.

Can you speak to him about it when you're calm, emphasise how much pain you're in and tell him he needs to step up?


yorkshapudding · 14/09/2015 15:36

YANBU. You were asking him to parent his own bloody kids, not do you a massive favour.


Fatmomma99 · 14/09/2015 15:43

You know you weren't Welsh. Conversation over dinner and a bottle of wine tonight?


Welshmaenad · 14/09/2015 15:48

No wine for me, Fats, not with codeine Sad

It does feel like I'm asking him to do me a 'favour' - I do do the lions share of childcare/transporting/organising, even when I'm studying and on full time work placement. So maybe he sees it as my 'job'.

OP posts:

SewButtons · 14/09/2015 16:01

Have you read the spoon theory? And if so have you had him read it?
I have fibromyalgia and my dp really didn't get it at first, he has a very stressful tiring job, mine is far less so and he was fairly resentful of the fact that I got to laze around all weekend while he did housework on his days off (I did what I could but went through a really bad flare during my final year at uni and could barely leave my bed). Reading the spoon theory helped him understand and he has gotten better about doing more than his share on my rough days/weeks.
Yanbu at all, but you might need to find a way to explain that a bit of a sore back from a busy day at work is a lot different to the all encompassing fatigue and pain of fibro.

I also listed out all the ways I have to adjust my life in order to manage my fibromyalgia, so that he could see how much it actually changed my life (even though he's known me since we were 14 so knew me when I was healthy).


thecatsarecrazy · 14/09/2015 16:55

No yanbu. My dh is like this. I feel like crap at the moment. I have 2 days off so I want to do as little as possible before I go back to work so I asked him to do school run. He kept asking me questions though and upsetting our boys. I got out of bed to help.


HaydeeofMonteCristo · 14/09/2015 17:56

No, not u to ask him at all.

I do understand those who say you should have left him too it, but who wants to listen to their dc being snapped at?

You need to have a calm conversation about the need for him to step up and do it with a good grace.


MammaTJ · 14/09/2015 18:02

I see TheExMotherInLaw has already shared the spoon theory, which I agree will be useful in letting him know how hard life can be for you.

This version relates is to fibro though.


PastaLaFeasta · 14/09/2015 18:21

I have similar issues with my H and managing chronic pain and mobility problems - bad back but wondering about fibro recently. He just doesn't understand and I don't understand why he puts up such a fuss when doing housework etc he's able bodied and pain free, it's 100 times easier for him. He just has no empathy and acts like I'm purposely making his life difficult. Although he's always directed his anger at me rather than the kids. It's just an ongoing negotiation/fight. I don't have any answer but to keep talking and reminding him, it doesn't last long but helps short term. Does he believe you are suffering?

I take codeine and have a glass of something, recently I've used the alcohol as a relaxant on very bad evenings, but I've been taking codeine for four years or so.


Fatmomma99 · 14/09/2015 20:39

Sorry Welsh. Hope you feel better soon. Also hope you have a good conversation with him tonight.

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