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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take DDs birthday money away?

36 replies

FishFace99 · 14/09/2015 10:01

DD had £6 left from her birthday money in her purse.I have a money box for pound coins in the kitchen and DD was using it with her sister as part of a game. I later moved her purse in her bedroom and it felt heavy so I looked and there was now £13 in there. I took all the money out and she only noticed this morning. She came storming in saying where's my money, someone's taken my money etc. I said 'it doesn't feel very nice when someone takes something from you, does it?' She looked ashamed but didn't apologise and we were then distracted by getting readyfor school.

Would you keep the money as a consequence or give it back if she apologises off her own back?

OP posts:

AnnieNon · 14/09/2015 10:02

How old is your DD?

LoseLooseLucy · 14/09/2015 10:03

How old is she?

I'd probably give it back if I thought it was a genuine apology. [soft]

sooperdooper · 14/09/2015 10:03

How old is she? I'd wait for her to mention it again then say she needs to apologise before she gets it back

lotsoffunandgames · 14/09/2015 10:05

Of course you give it back.it's her birthday money. If you feel like punishing her use something else.

PurpleDaisies · 14/09/2015 10:06

I think having a proper talk with her about stealing money from the money box and the trust issues that come with it is much more important than what happens regarding whether she gets the money back or not.

I'm not sure just taking money out of her purse and refusing to give it back is the right course of action.

Hoppipolar · 14/09/2015 10:11

I would give it back but only after a good talk with her about stealing and trust and a genuine apology from her. The punishment is fitting the crime in this case imo.

If you want to take the money away you should say "DD, I am taking your money because...." and thoroughly explain it to her.

Sighing · 14/09/2015 10:20

Definitely wait for her to come to you about the money. Be very firm and clear about future consequences (such as you keeping control of her money box / purse and her not being trusted to for a while).
She should have the money back, but certainly after talking about what she did.

bodenbiscuit · 14/09/2015 10:22

So, she took your money so you punish her by taking yours?

That doesn't work. Of course she was wrong to take it but I agree with others that it depends on her age.

bodenbiscuit · 14/09/2015 10:23

By taking hers*

Original poster

FishFace99 · 14/09/2015 10:37

She's 8. I don't agree with telling children to apologise; anyone can say sorry to get what they want, it doesn't mean they mean it. I agree that two wrongs don't make a right but she'd certainly remember never to steal again if she actually lost the money she originally had because of it. Her little sister has a book called the greedy dog who has a bone but sees a dog with one he thinks is bigger so tries to get that one. It turns out to be his reflection and his bone is lost in the water. I think she would see the link that her greed had caused her to lose what she originally had.

OP posts:

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/09/2015 10:44

Saying 'sorry' doesn't make things better. We have a rule that you have to say sorry and do something to make it better so I understand why you think an apology isn't enough but I'm not entirely sure from what you have said that she meant to steal your money. If they were playing with the money from the box then perhaps, the game involved putting money in her purse and then she forgot about it?

I'd have a chat when she came in from school to work out what went on. I wouldn't keep her birthday money because tbh other people gave her it as a present so I don't think you have the right to take it. However, you could dock her pocket money or you could tell her that she can't play with the money box ever again. Tbh I'd be tempted to go for the latter.

NuffSaidSam · 14/09/2015 10:45

Give the money back.

She should be punished for stealing, but not by you stealing from her! That's ridiculous. What's that teaching her? It's ok to steal, but make sure you do it from someone smaller/less powerful/more vulnerable than you who doesn't have the power to get their own back?!

She's broken your trust by being dishonest. A fitting punishment would be to withdraw a trust-based perk. So maybe she can't play with your stuff anymore? Or can't be trusted to play outside by herself? Or can't be trusted to go to the shop by herself? Punishment should fit the crime imo.

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2015 10:49

YABU I'm afraid.

You can't steal her money and then tell her that stealing money is wrong.

I would definitely punish her though. I think you just need to find a different punishment.

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 10:49

Why don't you have a conversation with her about what she feels is an appropriate punishment for stealing?

Taking her money is stealing from her and isn't teaching her anything other than you're allowed to steal and she isn't.

Dixiechickonhols · 14/09/2015 10:50

I'd speak to her properly before doing anything. Did she actually mean to steal it. It sounds like it could have been a game and your DD has forgotton to put the money back afterwards eg if they were paying shops. If she was stealing it then she would have taken the purse to her room or hidden it?

DoJo · 14/09/2015 10:53

But did she actually take the money, or was putting it in her purse part of the game? It sounds as though you were happy for her to play the game with your money, but then you tidied away her purse, so there's no reason to think that she had intended to keep the money - perhaps that explains the lack of apology, because she genuinely doesn't feel like she did anything wrong?

If you are going to allow her to play by mixing your money with hers, then I think the onus is on you to remind her at the end of the game that the money needs to be redistributed.

nokidshere · 14/09/2015 10:54

Why do you automatically assume she stole it? It could be that she just left it in the purse at the end of the game. Why did you not just say "if you have finished your game don't forget to put my coins back in the money box"

passthenutellaplease · 14/09/2015 10:58

I can't make my mind up on this one. Do you think she was stealing? Or like pp suggested, was she playing and you've tidied away the purse? If you believe she's done it on purpose then I don't think taking the money from her is teaching her a great lesson. I might be inclined to say to her that the money gets donated to charity that she can choose and someone more deserving can have it. I know it's only £6 but it might be a gentle reminder about taking something that doesn't belong to you. Just s thought though.

Littleen · 14/09/2015 11:07

Stealing it back is the wrong way to go about it I think. I'd give her back the £6 and talk to her about why it was wrong what she did.

YBR · 14/09/2015 11:10

OR putting the cash in her bank account so it's still hers but not to hand.
Not sure this could seem reasonable and proportionate to an 8yo though.

ShiningWhite · 14/09/2015 11:20

I wouldn't take her money. It's hers and you have no right to. It won't teach her a lesson. She does need to say sorry and understand that it was stealing. We had a small issue with my 7 yo dd not understanding that everything in the house didn't belong to her, once she understood that taking things from mummy was serious and not a prank, she didn't do it again.

Saltedcaramel4 · 14/09/2015 11:23

I would give her it back but set chores as punishment

Iggly · 14/09/2015 11:25

You haven't actually spoken to her about it, just taken it all?

I would have a chat and give back her money and explain why it is wrong.

Youve not really taught her much apart from tit for tat!

Magtheridon · 14/09/2015 11:27

I think taking her money off her is perfectly acceptable, if she stole it that is and didn't just put it in her purse after the game and forget about it.

My parents used removal of things as punishment, rather than being grounded or told to apologise and I can say it worked alot better than any grounding or physical act could have.

It didn't make me hate them, as it didn't happen often. when they did remove something, they'd explain why and it always made sense.

Magtheridon · 14/09/2015 11:29

Oh forgot to add, if the birthday money is money you gave her than yanbu.

But you shouldn't remove something you didn't give

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