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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH calling DD(2) stupid

51 replies

PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 09:41

DD will be 2 in a few weeks. She is of course utterly delightful but also a normal toddler exploring the world around her etc. Loves mischief!
Whenever she does something such as tip over a plate of toast or similar, DH calls her a stupid girl. I can't stand this and it seems really horrible and wrong but DH keeps doing it. Obviously she is told not to tip plates over etc, but at the same time she is a little girl testing her boundaries so this (IME) is all normal behaviour.
I don't know if I'm overthinking it because at the moment the word stupid doesn't bother her, but eventually she will understand what it means. DH just says she has to learn.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 09:44

AIBU to think DH is unreasonable?

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 14/09/2015 09:45

She is not a stupid girl, and if he keeps calling her that, it'll stick. She'll grow up thinking she's stupid. He really must stop it! Children are generally taught not to use the word "stupid" when describing insulting someone else. What kind of role model is he?!

MaidOfStars · 14/09/2015 09:46

YANBU. I would really object to a small child being called stupid, especially for normal behaviour.

You might want a strategy to deal with toast tipping, but calling names, especially ones that could cause massive self-esteem issues, is not right (IMO).

Cornwalldoula · 14/09/2015 09:46

YANBU. The way she is spoken to at a young age becomes part of the way she speaks to herself (internal dialogue). Perhaps your DH could think of a more positive way to guide her, instead of name-calling. Poor show on his part.

bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2015 09:48

Hi, I didn't want to read and run and am wary of making too many judgements based on one paragraph. However, I don't this sounds like the right viewpoint that your DH is taking. She is two and will drop toast etc. She is learning a heck of a lot at the moment and this kind of negative parenting will impact on her self esteem in my opinion. How is he otherwise with your DD. Is he a loving Dad. Does he praise her in other ways?

KittyandTeal · 14/09/2015 09:49

The other problem you face along side what zippidy has said is that she will pick it up and start saying it herself.

How will your DH feel when you get a call from nursery or pre school saying she's calling the other children stupid when they knock something over or make a mistake.

Stupid is a word that is banned in our house and in my school. It's is aaas overly self defeating and damaging word if used continuously

ijustwannadance · 14/09/2015 09:50

Just call him a dickhead everytime he does something wrong.
DD's nursery made a big point of telling the kids how wrong it is to call others stupid and rightly so.
She is 2 ffs. If he continues to call her stupid while growing up, just imagine the effect that will have as she gets older.

Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 09:51

This is the problem I think. In most other aspects he is a fantastic role model, certainly has a lot more patience than I do, but doesn't seem to get it that words hurt and can have an effect. Very contradictory also because he's always telling her how clever she is. Very frustrating!

OP posts:
LurkingOne · 14/09/2015 09:52

YANBU

There are times when "silly sausage" might be appropriate or a bit fun. Stupid girl isn't right and she will start repeating it to others

hackmum · 14/09/2015 09:53

YANBU.

LoseLooseLucy · 14/09/2015 09:55

Just call him a dickhead everytime he does something wrong.

Do that.

Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 09:55

Yes I say things like silly sausage or a clear no don't do that or words to that effect when she's done something she shouldn't be doing. I'm trying to teach her what's acceptable but he always goes straight to stupid girl. Will have a proper talk about it tonight.
Thanks for input everyone. Pretty sure IWNBU but reassurance is helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 09:56

And might go down the dickhead route!

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2015 09:56

What has he said to you when you've have called him on it? Is she at nursery, could you tell him how that word is banned in educational places for the reasons other posters have said? The other thing I was going to suggest was making sure you're DH accompanies you to your DD's development check with health visitor (do those still happen?) and you could discuss more positive ways of talking to your DD. DH really does need to be told that this is not on and to understand that this will in time erode your DD's confidence.

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2015 10:06

Agree with all the ops. There's a recent thread about calling babies 'naughty' and how unnecessary that is, stupid is just as bad.

Words have power.

Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 10:07

He doesn't see the problem when I've called him on it before. Don't get me wrong, it's not happening all day everyday, but this weekend he's done it 3 times, so actually quite a lot in 2 days I think.
She goes to nursery 1 day per week and I would hate her to call another child stupid or any other names. I'll bring up this point tonight.
I know he would hate her to have any negative thoughts about herself or think she's stupid so I don't know why he keeps doing it.

She's just squirted water out of her bottle onto the rug. I've told her not to do that etc and it's wrong. Any tips on dealing with this kind of stuff?!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2015 10:09

Your husband sounds like the stupid one. Is he hard of thinking or something ?

Saltedcaramel4 · 14/09/2015 10:10

I would probably say to them both 'what a rude thing to say Daddy'

Saltedcaramel4 · 14/09/2015 10:12

I would openly name his behaviour as rude and label it as unkind

AnyFucker · 14/09/2015 10:12

in that particular instance, take the water bottle off her temporarily

tell her she can have it back when she stops squirting

rinse and repeat calmly as many times as it takes

she doesn't understand the "wrongness" of it...to her it is fun to squirt water and she has probably seen others do it in other contexts (and of course 2yo don't get the concept of "context")

ijustwannadance · 14/09/2015 10:16

I would just take the bottle and said a firm no. If you fuss or tell her in a nice voice it will just become a game. All kids do this kind of stuff.

WhatTheJeffHasGoneOnHere · 14/09/2015 10:20

2 year olds make mess, it's what they do. Calling her stupid is completely wrong. There is no need for it.

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2015 10:22

Patmustard She's not naughty or stupid, she's discovering the world and experimenting it's not even wrong. Put her highchair on a waterproof sheet and let her experiment.

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 14/09/2015 10:22

YANBU. If told constantly that she is stupid she will grow up believing it. It doesn't help with confidence either. You should show him this thread op. Smile

bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2015 10:23

The water bottle thing is normal two year old stuff. Things like this happen endlessly when your DC are that age and dealing with it is just part and parcel of parenting a toddler. Just take the previous posters advice and take it off her. And I agree if your DH persists in calling your DD stupid then I would openly call him on it. He is being utterly ridiculous calling a two year old stupid. Seriously, he needs to up his game here.