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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH calling DD(2) stupid

51 replies

PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 09:41

DD will be 2 in a few weeks. She is of course utterly delightful but also a normal toddler exploring the world around her etc. Loves mischief!
Whenever she does something such as tip over a plate of toast or similar, DH calls her a stupid girl. I can't stand this and it seems really horrible and wrong but DH keeps doing it. Obviously she is told not to tip plates over etc, but at the same time she is a little girl testing her boundaries so this (IME) is all normal behaviour.
I don't know if I'm overthinking it because at the moment the word stupid doesn't bother her, but eventually she will understand what it means. DH just says she has to learn.

OP posts:
Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 10:23

Thanks, I took it away from her. Next time she does it (sure it won't be too long!) I'll just remove it and say she'll get it back when she stops squirting it. She usually has an open cup but starting pouring it out so reverted to bottle. Perhaps this was a mistake. Bloody minefield!

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 14/09/2015 10:24

Quiet Grin I can't get your last pm up.!!!It's so 'private' even I can't read it, forgive me!!

Quietlifenotonyournelly · 14/09/2015 10:26

I'll try resend ppeat must have clicked something. Smile

Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 10:27

Sorry, slow typing and getting distracted making me miss lots of posts.
If he says it again then I will be very clear and say daddy is being rude, you are not stupid. Am definitely having serious talk about it tonight. Thanks.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2015 10:27

I used to give mine washing up bottles and old shampoo bottles to squirt in the bath. All two year olds love squirting water!

bearleftmonkeyright · 14/09/2015 10:27

Good luck Pat.

ppeatfruit · 14/09/2015 10:33

Yes exactly bearleft great idea about the bath. Also saying something like "I don't want you to do that" . Works better than 'stop that' or whatever .

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/09/2015 10:34

In our house, stupid is practically a swear word. I was called it too many times growing up and so we reserve it for special occasions when the kids (or adults) commit a misdemeanour that could have caused serious bodily harm. I've been known to mutter it at kitchen utensils and have DS1 holler 'MUMMY YOU MUST NEVER CALL ANYONE STUPID' at me Grin

Your DH is wrong to say it, but telling him he's rude in front of your DD might not help as it will put his back up. Maybe firmly say 'No it was NOT stupid, but it was NOT A GOOD IDEA. NOT A GOOD IDEA. Don't do that again please.'

Your DH will catch on soon enough....

PotteryPotKnobs · 14/09/2015 10:47

PatMustard I'm so glad you are going to stand up to your DH with regards to his name calling of your DD.She really needs you to do this for her Flowers

I have been quite deaf from birth - but do have some hearing - and grew up with a father who called me stupid whenever I didn't hear what he was saying. This then extended into him calling me a failure, no good, and useless at everything as I became an adult.
Because he's a bully my mother joined in with him criticising my hair, clothes and figure etc, rather than stand up to him and defend and protect me from him. This gave me years of feeling inadequate, guilty, and having no confidence.

I've now gone no contact with them (I'm in my late 40's), and guess what...... I'm actually rather intelligent, successful, and happier than I've ever been now that I don't have their broken record playing in my head all the time.

MTBMummy · 14/09/2015 11:06

I spent my childhood being called stupid by my dad, and it really impacted me, and in the long run had a very detrimental effect on our relationship.

He needs to stop now.

LadySheherazade · 14/09/2015 11:31

There is a reason small children are told in school that 'stupid' is a bad word.

He is being mean, but he might genuinely not know, I know I didn't until it was pointed out to me.

And of course she has to learn, but 'stupid' isn't even the right word! I mean, 'naughty' would be a better descriptor surely? (Not saying he should say that, but she's certainly not being stupid if she realises she gets a response with her actions!)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/09/2015 12:27

He calls a little baby who is not even 2 years old, "stupid". That counts as emotional abuse in my book.
Yes they do make a mess and get into mischief, what does he expect from a baby. He aught to be very ashamed of himself

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/09/2015 12:37

I'll bet he was called stupid as a child.

mummytime · 14/09/2015 12:41

There is research that calling children "clever" is really unhelpful too! (Carol Dweck)

The word stupid was banned in our house.

You need to talk to him about this, not tell him off in front of your DD.
Get him to think about how he feels if he is called stupid?

Thebirdsneedseeds · 14/09/2015 12:47

Label the behaviour, not the child. "That's a silly thing to do" is very different to "you are silly". It allows them to preserve their self esteem while dealing with the problem.

pudcat · 14/09/2015 12:51

Only give her bottle to drink when she is sitting in her chair with a protective plastic sheet underneath. Then is she squirts it your carpet/furniture won't be ruined. Also gets her ready for nursery when they can't wander around with drinks

hellsbellsmelons · 14/09/2015 14:07

I hate the word stupid as well.
My Ex did this but I just kept pulling him up on it.
Him - Stupid
Me - DD you are NOT stupid, you did something a bit silly but that does not make you stupid.
Rinse and repeat.
He got the message.

Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 23:06

Boring update:
We had a chat about it this evening and he now agrees that it's not an appropriate choice of words and will make a big effort not to do it again. I said I will remind him if I hear him do it. So that's good progress hopefully. Thanks to everyone and Flowers to those who had this as children.

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel4 · 14/09/2015 23:10

Well done OP. The last thing you want is her having low self esteem and calling other children stupid.

Original poster
PatMustardsBigTool · 14/09/2015 23:15

Thanks salted

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2015 23:43

Boring is good. Drama is baaaad. Glad to hear he has copped himself on.

Fatmomma99 · 14/09/2015 23:55

I'm glad you've talked about it. I was going to say what Thebirdsneedseeds said. (mantra - label the behaviour, not the child!).

We use "twerp" in our house when we want to insult each other.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2015 23:59

We use "balloon" a lot Smile

Topseyt · 15/09/2015 02:33

Glad you seem to have got through to him.

My DH can be similarly thoughtless and I always pull him up on it. Saying that something was a silly or dappy thing to do is far better than personalising it and calling another person "stupid".

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/09/2015 11:22

I tend to shout 'FOOL!' at them, which makes them giggle rather than cry Grin

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