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DHs parents moving to live near us

36 replies

Ellisisland · 13/09/2015 14:25

I suspect I am BU but could use some outside opinions on this.

Bit of background. Me and DH used to live a few streets away from DHs parents on the outskirts of a large city. We moved several hours away to the small town where my parents live shortly after DS (now 4) was born. One of the main reasons we moved was due to problems with DHs parents. Examples include :
DMIL telling me I wouldn't be able to breastfeed so not to both trying
DMIL telling DH that I was bound to be a terrible mother and he should encourage me to go back to work as soon as possible and she would look after DS
DMIL and FIL turning up at our house late at night and demand to see DS even if he was sleeping
When I was on mat leave

OP posts:

Spartans · 13/09/2015 14:28

Yanbu to not want them moving near, but really you can't stop them.

What you can do is make sure your dh is going to support you and shut down smile if she comes out with anymore crap and tell her that just turning up on the doorstep is not ok.


Tiptops · 13/09/2015 14:29

They sound awful. YANBU to want them not to move near you, but I don't see how you can stop them either.


tobysmum77 · 13/09/2015 14:33

Personally I would prefer to live nearer to my PILs as nice though they are I struggle with the all day visits. But your ILs sound different to mine so yanbu.

You are going to have to set some ground rules.


gingerdad · 13/09/2015 14:36

We live near my pil but could never leave near my parents. They did suggest buying the house next door. I did state if they did then we'd move. They didn't take that too well. Luckily they currently live in a different country.


Ellisisland · 13/09/2015 14:45

Thanks for the replies

My main concern is around the DCs ( aged 4 and 1) currently I work FT so they go between nursery and my DM who is a retired nanny. I know if DMIL moved to us she would expect to share care of the DC and she has form for kids getting hurt in her care and her denying all knowledge of it (DHs nephew fell down her stairs and she only took him to get checked out because I shouted at her and then she tried to hide it from BIL, there were other instances as well)

I just feel we have got to a place of no drama and conflict and if they move close it will all start again. Especially as they won't know anyone apart from us here.

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PantryofWhoGivesAFuck · 13/09/2015 14:48

Example 3 gives you all you need. Get your husband onside.


GloriousGoosebumps · 13/09/2015 14:57

Interesting that they don't seem to be aware of the effects of their behaviour. What was their response when you upped and moved away after the birth of DS and how has their behaviour been in the intervening years? It may be, of course, that they either can't sell their current home or can't sell for the amount of money they'll need in order to buy where you live. In any event, you're now 4 years stronger so better equiped to deal with your PIL. If all else fails, talk about your wish to move for better schools and start living agent's particulars around for them to see!


BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 13/09/2015 15:06

Was your husband 100% on-board with the reasons for your move?

"I know if DMIL moved to us she would expect to share care of the DC"

People can expect what they like but that does not provide a compelling enough reason for them to get it. You currently have an arrangement which works for your family, so there's no reason to change it.

You are a very, very busy family, so will likely not be available to them 24/7, so visits will need to be arranged in advance. No turning up on doorsteps unannounced!

And, whatever you decide to do, DO NOT LET THEM HAVE ANY KEYS!


GloriousGoosebumps · 13/09/2015 15:06

I've just seen that your MIL can't be trusted to keep children safe. Surely your DP won't want to see his child put at risk? Did your BIL and SIL continue to leave their child in MIL's care?


Ellisisland · 13/09/2015 15:45

Bitter it was DHs idea to move away so he was 100% ok with it. His attitude to this now is that we should just wait and see what happens and if they move here deal with issues as they come up. Whereas I think it would be better to have a conversation now about it.
He wasn't happy with what happened when his DN fell down the stairs but he thinks accidents happen and his DMIL didn't let it happen on purpose.
I think is not the accident so much as the fact she tried to hide it from BIL that worries me. BIL still let her look after his kids.

OP posts:

Ellisisland · 13/09/2015 15:49

They were not happy about us moving away at all but have been ok since we moved. They do a lot of guilt trips about us not going to see them and when they visit I overhear them saying things to the DCs like "dot you wish you could come and stay with us?" "You should make your mummy and daddy visit us then we could see you more often" etc

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ollieplimsoles · 13/09/2015 15:57

Is your MIL my MIL op?! Hmm

They can move closer if they want, but remember:
-don't give them keys
-YOU have final say who looks after the kids
-You can chose to pick up the phone/answer the door

Just because they live near you and may have expectations, doesn't mean you are obligated to meet those expectations in any way.


Clutterbugsmum · 13/09/2015 16:06

My mum moved around the corner from us just before I had DD2, and to be fair she did ask both myself and my DH is he was happy with her living so close.

His answer was and has always been yes he is happy with her living so close, but if it was his parents he'd/we would move ASAP.

The different being is my mum is independent and will only ask for help if it is something she really can not do, where as his mum would ring for him to change a light bulb.

If you DH really doesn't want to live near them then he needs to let them know that whatever they think will happen won't. You won't be seeing them any more then you do now, they will not be looking after your children alone. And they will not be just turning up as and when they feel like as you will not let them in.


honeyroar · 13/09/2015 16:19

I can see your point, but from their point, it must hurt being hours from your family and knowing the other grandparents have a very active roll in their lives. Plus I wouldn't want my parents that far away as they got older. I think your OH's approach is right. You're already making it a bigger deal than it is yet, worrying before it's happened (something I'm good at too!).


InimitableJeeves · 13/09/2015 16:30

I think on the whole your DH is right, you are going to need to deal with most issues as they arise, simply because if you have a conversation about it now as you suggest it will be a long, long conversation during which you won't conceivably be able to anticipate every possible issue. Even if you do agree how certain issues will be dealt with the chances are that if they come up in reality the circumstances will be different. However, you can lay down some ground rules like your MIL never looking after the children, and never having a key; that if they try to slag you off to your DH he will shut them up every time; and that if they try the unexpected visits tactic, they will never be allowed in.


Spartans · 13/09/2015 16:59

Have they put their house up for sale or is it just talk at the moment?


Ellisisland · 13/09/2015 17:33

Spartans their house is sold they are looking for somewhere to buy. It's likely they will complete their sale before Christmas.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Guess I just need to calm down and stand my ground as and when I need to.

OP posts:

Spartans · 13/09/2015 18:31

Ah shit...was hoping they would never actually do it.

Your dh has to stand his ground too. He sounds like he supports you. But you both have to be firm from the get go. First time they turn up announced, don't let them in. First time they ask to share in providing childcare....say no and tell them you are happy with how it is and it's not changing. Don't leave room for them to keep trying and defintley done say anything along the lines of 'we will think about it' or 'or maybe in the future'


juneau · 13/09/2015 18:51

Oh god, what a nightmare. Having got rid of them once, they're now going to follow you!

You can put all the boundaries you like in place, but will your MIL respect them? She doesn't sound like she will. She sounds like the type who will be popping round when she knows you're at home (tea time, bath time, weekends), and pushing herself forward. I assume they're moving near you because she is determined to be a bigger fixture in her GC's lives ... beware!

TBH, if I was in your position I'd be begging my DH to try and persuade them to stay where they are! Don't they have friends or social things they'll really miss if they move? Some other leverage you could use to persuade them? This is your last chance OP ...


HumphreyCobblers · 13/09/2015 18:53

I think it would be worth having the conversation about childcare before they move so that they know beforehand they will not be looking after the dc as childcare. It may affect their decision. But they cannot then claim that you let them move under a false expectation.


Scobberlotcher · 13/09/2015 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 13/09/2015 18:58

How often does she look after BILs kids?

Would she give that up & move near you with no guarantee that she'll see more of your kids?

Why would she give up what she has?


Ellisisland · 13/09/2015 19:21

juneau that's what I want to do. Tell them that if they move here they are unlikely to see us anymore than they do now. DH disagrees and thinks that will cause a row and its best to wait to see what happens. I think if I spell it out now as politely as possible even if it causes a row it's one now compared to countless in the future!

diddl she looks after daily but the problem is the interest only mortgage term is coming to an end and they can't afford to pay the balance so have to sell. After using some of the profit to clear the outstanding amount they won't have enough left over to buy near to where they are now.

Scobber I'll tell them the Outer Hebrides are lovely this time of year !

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diddl · 13/09/2015 19:33

Hmm, so I suppose the thinking is that if they can't afford to live near one son then they'll move to near the other?


juneau · 15/09/2015 17:43

I think he needs to spell it out now, because how angry and disappointed will MIL be if she up sticks and moves round the corner, but still only sees the GC every fortnight or every month?

Of course, your DH doesn't have to be brutal, but he should let her know that your childcare plans aren't going to change and that you've got a full and busy life and, above all, that they shouldn't move with the expectation of things changing. I think this is kinder than sitting back and letting them make this big move under misapprehensions.

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