DHs parents moving to live near us

[Ellisisland]

I suspect I am BU but could use some outside opinions on this.

Bit of background. Me and DH used to live a few streets away from DHs parents on the outskirts of a large city. We moved several hours away to the small town where my parents live shortly after DS (now 4) was born. One of the main reasons we moved was due to problems with DHs parents. Examples include :
DMIL telling me I wouldn't be able to breastfeed so not to both trying
DMIL telling DH that I was bound to be a terrible mother and he should encourage me to go back to work as soon as possible and she would look after DS
DMIL and FIL turning up at our house late at night and demand to see DS even if he was sleeping
When I was on mat leave

With a normal person being clear up front would stop any misunderstandings.

But with an unreasonable person who is in a power struggle with you then the prior chat to set ground rules might have the opposite effect. It gives them a thing to fight against. They want a fuss.

My batshit DM will always deliberately do the opposite of whatever I have said I want. "Ground rules" are pure red rag. If I pretend I don't care either way then she doesn't engage.

I guess it depends on how batshit she is. What does your DP think?

YANBU to think this situation needs attention now. But as they are his parents, I think DH needs to take the lead in handling this. Unfortunately it sounds like he may not have confidence in setting boundaries with his parents, and may need support with this. If he hasnt felt able to set his own boundaries with them in the past, it is almost inevitable that they will get upset when he starts to do so. But, he has a responsibility to your family to set these boundaries (e.g., them not looking after the DC, and anything else you and DH decide is in best interests of your family)

So, it will be hard, but I'm sure it will be better to have the conversations now than after they have moved house. Would your DH consider doing some reading now about setting boundaries, or even some counselling to work out more clearly how he feels about it all?

I think your DH needs to be clear with them now and have a conversation about expectations.

It might well cause a row, but that will be nothing compared to the row that will ensue when they move and then find that they will not be undertaking regular childcare and will not be living in your pockets.

I think he should say 'I was wondering how you envisage your life once you move - if you are moving to be near us, we need to discuss how we all think it would work because I would hate anyone to get the wrong picture of how our lives are' He could ask them what they hope to gain from moving so close to you - and discuss that.

If they move and then find out they won't be looking after the kids etc then they will forever beat you round the head with it (we gave up our home for you waaah) and they will be on your doorstep doing it. Lose-lose situation!

Bite the bullet now, I say.

Thanks for all the replies

To give an update I had a chat with DH about it and we were both on the same page about not wanting them to live here but just disagreed on how to go about it but he agreed to ring them and sound them out about what they thought would happen

So he rang his DM and said he was worried that they would be isolated if they moved near us as we both work full time and the children are settled in the childcare arrangements that wouldn't be changing so we were both concerned about them

It seemed to have done the trick as they have now announced that they don't really like where we live and think they can afford to live in a better area. So it seems disaster averted for now but I won't be fully comfortable until they have bought a house far away from me!

Thanks again for the responses

I love a happy ending

Well handled by your DH, and Lol at the passive aggressive 'better area' response. You are well out of it!

Aw - I love a happy ending too

Totally get it. Mil sounds horrid. mine have made noises about moving near us. I have not commented directly to them but if they do intend to move then I dh will be telling them we wont be seeing them anymore than we do now.

Just read update. Result. < starts looking for ft job>

I'd have to tell them it's too close. They will be a pain in the arse and will cause you resentment.

Not sure how you tell them though.

I too love a happy ending!