AIBU to want this child kept away from DD

[Chala86]

Ok, a bit of backstory. DD started junior school last year and immediately started having problems with a boy in her class. Stealing from her, stabbing her with pencils, throwing things at her during break, and tried to strangle her. I have been told he has SN, however am of the opinion that his behaviour is unacceptable and the school have been little help in nipping it in the bud. DD has been told she has to play with this child during break and lunch last term. When I spoke to the teacher last year she said - but he doesn't go out of his way to play with her. First off, regardless if this is true or not, I fail to understand what it has to do with stealing and general unpleasantness that DD is experiencing. Second, according to DD, he tells her that she has to, so utter rubbish.
Anyway, this has now carried over into the new term. Today DD came out of school telling me that he threw a piece of fruit at her. I know it sounds petty, but she said her neck was sore for most of the day and that there wasn't time to tell an adult. And her teacher has told her that she has to play with him at lunch, which I'm totally against because of how he behaved last term.
AIBU to want this boy to be kept away from my child? At the very least to expect better supervision during break and lunch to ensure that this kind of thing doesn't happen? I'm just concerned that it will escalate and am unsure how to proceed. Should I speak to the teacher again? Or do I just put it down to childhood squabbles?

Yanbu in the slightest, as a mother if a child with AS and other difficulties, the school should be keeping the other chikdren and this child safe, which they are not doing. It is the schools responsibility to keep your child safe, obviously due to his SN, his behaviour could well be difficult to control and done out of impulse, not to intentionally hurt your dd. I would have a meeting with the HT and reiterate this, and that your dd does nit have to play with this boy, somebody who hurts her. Not acceptable.

I agree - she should not be cajoled/coerced into having any sort of relationship with someone who has physically abused her on several occasions, just for the sake of being seen to "be nice" to him. Not a good thing to teach either child.

May be different where you are but in Ireland if a child is a danger to himself or others he is supervised at all times by a special needs assistant. It helps the school if parents complain in writing about the dangerous situations as they add it to their own very detailed list of incidents to build a case to get that assistant. That child should not be left unsupervised at any time. As already said write all incidents down and copy to the school. I presume when he gets special time to play that he is supervised then. It does sometimes happen that children with special needs seem to get extra privileges as rewards but teachers have to do something and the others usually understand the reasons.

This is true zzzz. As I said before I try to take it all with a pinch of salt and I really should've done more last term to resolve this. I don't want to overreact (which DP says I have a habit of doing) but at the same time I don't want to under react. Was thinking I would say that DD had several incidents last term and that I expect it to not carry on - that I'm keeping tabs on what's going on and, in the future, expect to be informed of anything that goes on during school time. DD has very little faith in telling an adult because so little has been done previously but I've had a chat with her and said that she MUST tell someone if something like it happens again.

Yanbu.

My dd had a similar situation. She joined the school in y1 and the boy immediately singled her out. It became quite an obsession ranging from adoring her and giving her gifts to spitting at her. The school were pretty useless until his mother got involved actually. She was mortified.

Unfortunately it continued in this case until they left in y11. Through high school he would call her and leave dirty messages. He would text her the most inappropriate messages and pictures. Every now and then I would pick up the phone to him or text him back which would put him off for a while. I would also speak to his mum whenever I saw her and she would sanction him at home. The school weren't that interested once they got to high school and the police were useless

I don't know how you should deal with it OP but if you can get it sorted before it goes too far please do.

BorisStoleMyWig your poor DD! It's so wrong that there was no support from the school. Sadly it doesn't surprise me . The schools in our area have a crap reputation for dealing with this kind of thing. I know several people that have felt they have no choice but to pull their child out of school because of bullying and the total lack of support. Must say it doesn't fill me full of hope.

Another reason to insist on break time supervision for this boy is for his sake as well.

Just be aware that the school cannot tell you anything about this boy, his needs, or any actions that might be taken. Nor can you demand they supervise him at lunchtime. You can however ask that you child is kept safe on the playground, and then how they manage that is on them. It may involve supervision, it may involve something else. Your approach needs to be about how to keep your child safe whilst at school, rather than going in complaining about this child in particular. "I am concerned that DD was hurt in the playground and I was not informed and that adequate supervision of students was not done to prevent this occurring" rather than "DD was hurt by Xxxx, I want you to supervise him at all times and you can't let DD play with Xxxx".

zzzz One of my concerns was that I don't want to pounce on her new teacher. As I'm aware that communication at the school can be poor, I doubt that he is aware that there were problems last year. When I spoke to DD's teacher last year she came across as very blase and unconcerned. Nor do I want to be overly defensive. It's true that DD is perhaps not entirely innocent but, as you say, if incidents aren't dealt with appropriately, it's unfair on both children.
MidniteScribbler - this is what I'm going for. I don't want to make demands on how the school deal with my concerns nor do I want to single this child out. I simply want to know that DD is safe and happy at school. Having experienced the same kind of thing at school myself and my school not even believing me, let alone dealing with the problem, I know the misery it can cause.

Phone the office, make an appointment to see the Head.

Absolutely put your foot down about this, and hard.

Look after no 1.

He should have supervision - TA or similar.

The special playtime is probably for him to learn social skills on a 1:1 basis and so part of his curriculum, not a special treat.

I was told (alongside a friend of mine) that we had to play with a girl in my class with SN. We did, she was not a bully or doing anything unacceptable so it wasn't s bad - bt it really wasn't very nice to be committed to having to play with this kid because the principal told us to! We were 11 at the time.

I hope you get this solved, sounds like a tricky situation :(

Safeguarding - we just had new guidelines issued at our school and have a spiffy new booklet to keep by us at all times. Hopefully your DDs school has a document outlining their safeguarding policy and if I were you I'd be asking to see that.
It's certainly something which Ofsted are very interested in, and rightly so IMO.

Schools are often slow to act in these situations - bending over backwards to be inclusive to one child is often to the detriment of many others.

A Y6 child at my DC's primary school who was known to have behavioural issues was largely allowed to do as he pleased because most of the teaching staff were scared of his gobby mother...he attacked several boys in my DS's year (then Y4), punching, kicking, attempted strangling etc..the school knew what was going on, but because no parent made a huge fuss (I think most thought boys will be boys etc - even though he was 2 years older and nearly a foot taller)...until one day went for my DS. He actually tried to hurt DS's friend, DS stepped in and was assaulted. The school tried to say it was just a scratch . It's actually a 2 inch long scar on his face, which 8 years on is still visible, and therefore permanent.

I contacted the school and said I considered they'd grossly failed in their duty of care, and not kept my DS safe. If the boy came anywhere near my DS in future, I'd contact all relevant authorities (not just governors, but police, OFSTED, whoever). Thankfully he was kept well away, and we had no further problems.

In the OP's situation, I'd express great concern about her DD's safety. How they ensure that safety is a matter for them, but she should not be being hurt at school.

YANBU. I've been in this position too.
Be very clear that you expect them to be kept apart at all times. Do not agree to anything you are not happy with. Be persistent, keep complaining. I'd also speak to the parents of the other child explaining how upset you are about what has been happening. They won't like it but then you don't like what is happening to your child.

I would not talk to the parents of the other child. It's possible they would tell the school you are causing trouble and the reaction of the other parents is likely to be that it is nothing to do woth them.

As another mother of a child who had SN and challenging behaviour at primary school, I can assure you that YANBU. The school are supposed to keep all the children safe so they can learn.

When my DS was funded with a "full-time" one-to-one classroom assistant that funding did not cover break times even though that was one of his most challenging times. The school did some shuffling about so that the TA worked with other kids in class sometimes and a playground helper was assigned to DS. What I mean is, your DD has the right to be safe but you can't go in saying things like "a teacher must be with him all the time".

My DS's teacher told me that some of the strategies used to manage his were behaviour were seen as privileges by some of the other kids ?? such as when he was getting agitated in the classroom the TA might take him out to "do some photocopying" really to calm him down. My DS also had a "friend rota" to go in early to lunch with him. But all of those kids were volunteers (he was surprisingly popular!) and it was really a way of making sure he didn't overwhelm any individual kid. It is hard to be sure what's really going on at second hand, the school will not be allowed to discuss their strategies with you except where it directly affects your DD. But no child should be forced to go off with him and if your child is "chosen" you can insist on that.

Your DD absolutely does have the right to be safe and to feel safe in school. So go in to school with that angle; keep the emphasis away from what special treatment the boy gets and firmly on your DD's own safety. And by all means do pounce on her new teacher! The old teacher may be blase but the new one may be a lot more effective.

Don't beat around the bush, meeting with HT and tell them you expect your dd to be kept safe at school form this boy, as his behaviour is the issue here. If he does have SN and is hurting, he needs more supervision.

I wouldn't approach his mum. The school are totally against this and I have a feeling it would at the least not help and at the worst make the whole situation worse.
My emphasis would be on DD's safety and happiness, not his SN or techniques used by the school to help him learn - neither are my business. I shall make sure to voice my concerns both in writing and in person so both the school and I have a record of it. I won't make demands in how incidents are dealt with and will focus on how DD has been effected (or affected whichever it is) by the incidents and hopefully it won't continue.

Agreed, zzzzz. But no child should be forced to play with any other child if that child has hurt her.

I had a similar situation with Dd last year. It was made more complicated by the kid having been a friend of DD's for a few years, but she got fed up of the constant comments/threats/arguments etc. Even worse, I'm a teacher at the school and desperately didn't want to get involved.

However, DD also has a diagnosis, and as a parent it is my duty to protect her. It is also the schools' duty to make sure that she is safe. So, first I spoke to the relevant teacher, listing all the problems, and said that DD didn't feel safe. I didn't tell the school what to do, but did say that DD would be much more confident if she knew she never had to sit near or spend lunch time with this person.

The school were very good and managed to implement that, although it took a few reminders before all the lunch staff knew (as different people do different days).

This year, the problem appears (so far) to have evaporated. So, getting some space certainly worked for us.

If it got as far as DD being strangled, and marks left several hours later, I would have been saying the school had a week to put a safeguarding plan in place to protect DD, or I would be calling the police.

The school has a duty of care to BOTH of the children, and DD's safety shouldn't be compromised by any special needs or home difficulties. It IS the responsibility of the school to find a solution.

Yes, it's definitely down to the school to manage the issue so that both children are safe and happy. 'Inclusion' shouldn't mean that other people just have to suck it up when they are assaulted because the assailant has some form of SN.
Unfortunately some schools seem to have a rather lazy, self-righteous attitude to this sort of thing and would rather make pious comments about inclusivity than address the fact that a child is being bullied.