So the background to this is my wife passed away 6 months ago. We have 4 DCs together. DD1 (11) DS1 (7) and DD2 and DS2 who are twins (4).
It has been really difficult DD 1 in particular is finding it incredibly hard. She has just started secondary school and she is also starting puberty and she could really use her mum to talk to.I have tried to talk to her a bit but she finds it a bit embarrassing talking to her dad about it.
She has a therapist but she is very wary of opening up to her. She has always been very shy and takes a while to open up to strangers and she is finding everything even harder now.
So I asked my sister if she could talk to her about everything so she can have a female to talk to about anything she wants. My sister can be a bit self-involved but when my wife died she promised to be there for us for anything and she has been helpful getting food shopping and helping buying the DCs stuff ready for school.
My sister was keen to help and so she picked DD 1 up from school on Wednesday and took her back to hers for ice cream and a chat.
They arrived back later than planned and DD went straight to her room. I asked my sister what they had talked about. My sister said she had promised to keep it a secret but DD was fine and just a little upset because in the car on the way home she had become upset for no obvious reason.
I went upstairs to talk to her later and DD said she was fine and she was just tired.
So yesterday when she got up for school she said she felt sick and wanted to stay home. She didn't eat her breakfast and she doesn't usually have days off so I said fine. I had to go to work but I came back to see her on my lunch and break and she was lying on the sofa and very quiet not even watching tv.
At dinnertime DD 2 was talking about her day at school and then she dropped her fork and DD1 shouted at her and told her to concentrate on what she was doing then stormed off to her room.
I went to see her and she was sobbing into her pillow. I asked her what was wrong and in the end she told me that my sister kept trying to talk to her and DD 1 told her that she didn't want to talk just now. My sister told her that it was tough and she was going to talk to her because I was fed up of her whingeing (I have never said that). DD1 asked my sister if that was true and my sister said yes it was and everyone was really disappointed in her because She should be a mother figure for the younger DCs and she told her that sister was the only one who understood her so DD had to talk to her.
DD said that she didn't believe that I would say that and my sister insisted that it was true.
DD was really upset so sister talked to her for a bit about how unfair I was and how sister was the only one my DD could trust because teachers would report to me if she said anything. Then she swore DD to silence and told her that if she blabbed I would be really cross and probably tell the school that DD was a problem kid and all the teachers would hate her and her friends would stay away from her. Then sister repeated this in the car on the way home to remind her to keep quiet.
I told DD that sister was wrong and I would never do that and I loved her. She was still really upset , we talked and I reassured her for hours and she couldn't get to sleep till the early hours of the morning.
When she woke up I convinced her to go to school and I am hoping she will be okay today.
I called my sister and asked her why she did that and she said it was to get DD to open up. She was unapologetic because she says that her plan worked as DD did talk to her. She doesn't think she was in the wrong and became upset with me when I told her how angry with her I was. She says anyone would have done the same and I just can't see that because I am grieving and jealous that DD opened up to her and not me.
She claims to have spoken to my mum and my mum agrees that sister did the right thing.
So AIBU or was my sister out of order to say that to my DD.