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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

im know im in the wrong

34 replies

mydshines · 10/09/2015 21:27

i just like posted this tonight. and i name changed for this.
i recently went back to do an course for like access skills its 9 month course and im week 15 now.

it was grand at the beginning it was my first foray into meeting new people ever since my ds was born a couple of years ago.
everyone got on great. and i looked forward to being there.
Since then a lot of people that i liked have since left the course through various reasons so its now a small class
i had a hard week with little sleep. Thanks to ds high temps and earache. Stressful week we have our accounts exams coming up and im trying to do so much as im the only with young kid at the course. and of course added with the usual, money, dp, and life. and my periods are out of whack

i know there is no excuse for my behaviour and i fully admit that.
the tutor left early this week and the end of day we all like to have a banter share a joke or what have you.

me and my sorto friends were talking and i mentioned that i need a slave and she said you need a sex slave in class.
oh i said oh not my dp lol oh john can have the job. This is in reference to a fella called john who in his 60s who often enjoy and start a banter i meant as a tongue in cheek. and honestly he came off the top of my mind.
well he went bring red and walked out of the class and i was horrified

and Im immediatley ran after him to apolgise. He didnt want to hear it. So i dragged myself in today and i had to past his desk and i said sorry twice. and in little break we all usually sit together and he came over and i expressed my apologies, saying i regret what i said, didnt mean it, i didnt mean to offend you in a way,

i didnt intentionale set out to hurt you and just said im sorry for about 6 mins and he replied ' that i like to draw a crowd and act the joker, and other stuff and i just said nothing and that this is a second time i said something he didnt like and he pulled up some things to me and i replied to him im sorry im sorry.

He told me that he could have slagged me back and if i did he come out on top and he harped on about what he didnt really like about me. Then the sorto of friend replied john you were right to say that. i was like what to myself like it was you that started the conversation. but i do accept that i was at fault.

anyway my phone rang and excused myself and i felt so shit. i was planning to meet some of them later on saturday. and i wont now not after today and i was so looking forward to. i could hear whispears all day about me in class and i feel so shit. tbh i dont think i could ever utter more than a hello to him in class. But do my best to avoid him in future i feel so shite

OP posts:
southeastastra · 10/09/2015 21:29

lordy

Fugghetaboutit · 10/09/2015 21:32

He overreacted

Original poster
mydshines · 10/09/2015 21:51

thanksx i just hope he wont put in a complaint about me with the high office as in sexual harrisment and i know the big boss is coming in tomorrow and for all i know he could have a word about me to her and i wouldnt like that but i dont know i just want to switch off not think about them i havent told anyone in my real life as im not ready to hear it

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/09/2015 21:58

You sound quite immature.
It wasn't nice. You e apologised. Maybe now just stay a bit more focused on what you're there for
What's a sorto friend?

Original poster
mydshines · 10/09/2015 22:04

she is a friend i just wrote a sorto friend now as she be so odd to me since then yeah i know i heard 2 girls talking in the back laughing at me saying she is around the same age as you and she has the mentality of a 9 year old. maybe its true i was too hurt to say anything more. and i didnt want to attract any more attention to me either. but im hurt of the hurt that this has caused.
i did say to to him i was stressed out and he was like we all are stressed out and dont blame that on it and blah blah the converstation ended kinda then i am trying it just so hard. i do my best to concentrate so hard that my head bangs so hard

OP posts:
NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight · 11/09/2015 03:01

He overreacted although I'm afraid you all sound quite immature. You've apologised sincerely though - for 6 minutes! Don't apologise again. Just get your head down to work from now on. They'll soon get bored and he'll have to get off his moral high ground once interest moves elsewhere.

If the boss says anything or if he complains about you, maybe have a quiet word but don't go on and on about how sorry you are. Just say that a private conversation got out of hand. It'll blow over.

JeanSeberg · 11/09/2015 05:09

If a man had made that comment to me I'd have complained.

mrstweefromtweesville · 11/09/2015 05:26

You made a mistake, you apologised. It was a sexual remark and inappropriate, so he would be within his rights to complain.

He was embarrassed, in front of other people. Its shaming. He will feel bad. Its quite likely that, in his sixties, he considers himself attractive to women and expects a positive response from them, not to be mocked.

Stay calm and get on with your life. Think twice about your 'banter' - just because you aren't serious when you flirt with people doesn't mean that they aren't.

I speak as someone who did not flirt or engage in 'banter', but was merely polite in church, to an older man and later found that he had committed suicide by throwing himself under a train, allegedly because I had 'led him on' and 'broken his heart'.

Charis1 · 11/09/2015 05:43

and the end of day we all like to have a banter share a joke or what have you.

No we don't.

At the very least this sounds like disruption, at the worst bullying.

Maybe everyone else there just wants to concentrate on what they are there for.

Jw35 · 11/09/2015 05:54

It was really hard to read your post due to the grammar but I think he overreacted and it's pretty pathetic for a man in his sixties not to accept your 6 minute apology

Charis1 · 11/09/2015 05:58

It doesn't sound like he is upset about a one of incident though, it sounds like the OP has been disruptive and dominating for a long time, and this was the final straw. None of the reasons you have given for having a "hard " life is an ecuse to ruin the course for other people.

periods are out of whack ??????? really? so you'll waste your time and everyone else's on a course which is presumably verry important to some of the participants.

lunar1 · 11/09/2015 06:04

You hurt his feelings and probably his pride. You can't force someone to accept you apology. The banter has really crossed the line, just go in and get on with your course.

HappyMeerkat · 11/09/2015 06:07

i find it strange people saying he is overreacting, i mean at 60 he probably feels out of place anyway if everyone is younger than him, and his name probably came to you because he was an outsider in the group.

If it had been a man making this comment to a woman, there would be loads of people (although this thread has few replies so we may see an influx) saying that it is sexual harassment and he should tell the big boss. you may have felt that apologising for 6 minutes was a lot but that may be a very limited time to how he embarrassed he has felt there before the comment (especially if he does find the "banter" tiresome) , and perhaps even more so now

StealthPolarBear · 11/09/2015 06:15

Well tbh he may complain. But the op is the one posting so our advice is to her. There is nothing more she can do at this stage than apologise - which she has - and keep her head down.

AgentProvocateur · 11/09/2015 08:12

I don't know if you're paying for this nine-month course - probably not, as you're not taking it very seriously. If I was on the course and wanted to learn, I'd be really pissed off with what seems like constant disruptive behaviour. If it's access to work, you've got some way to go before you're ready. Knowing how to behave in the workplace, and with colleagues of different ages and backgrounds, is all a part of that.

MidniteScribbler · 11/09/2015 08:14

Capital letters provide a valuable service in our community. You might like to try utilising them.

If he had said that about you then you probably would have run around screaming about sexual harassment. Jokes like that have no place in a professional setting, and it would be right if you received a warning. It's a double standard to think that women can make a comment like that, but as soon as a man says it then it's wrong. It can't go both ways.

GloGirl · 11/09/2015 08:19

Mrstwee - what a horrible thing to have laid at your feet Sad I hope you've come to terms with it now.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 11/09/2015 08:33

You sound immature and disruptive.

Would it have been an over-reaction if it was a man saying that to a woman? I think we all know the answer to that.

Birdsgottafly · 11/09/2015 08:55

This is one aspect of Adult education that puts me off.

The immaturity, those looking to make friends and start childish playground antics, the clickiness and sexism/bigotry.

I like "Banter", when I go the pub for a boozy night, light banter with bus drivers/workmen. When I'm in a classroom setting, I expect conversations.

You've treated it like your social life, whilst there is a social aspect, you aren't "Mates" meeting up.

Lesson learned, don't let it out you off, you need to treat it more seriously and develop friendships were you can socialise fully.

lurkinginthenorth · 11/09/2015 08:57

You have apologised. No matter what people here have said about you or your behaviour, the fact is you have tried to make amends, do the right thing and the guy is still guilt tripping you up for it.

Walk away. Don't speak to him. Let him come to you if he wants to talk. Time is a healer.

And yes, he has every right to make a complaint and likewise if 'we' were in his position we'd probably do/react in the same way.

BUT regardless of gender, if anyone makes a decent attempt to apologise for something they have said that has offended or hurt someone, then it should be a closed matter. If forgiveness cannot be sought, then space between the individuals is probably what is best.

jetsetlil · 11/09/2015 09:06

Sounds like much ado about nothing to me. Forget about it and move on I say

catfordbetty · 11/09/2015 09:08

You may never make things right with this man and that may be more to do with him than you. So, as others have said, work hard on the rest of the course, move on and learn from your mistake.

jetsetlil · 11/09/2015 09:08

Also meant to say that apologising over and over is making it a bigger deal than it actually was which was just a flippant remark

swimmerforlife · 11/09/2015 09:09

From what I can gather, you were total idiot to say what you said but you didn't mean it and you have apologised numerous times, he needs to move on and let it go.

You will just have to hope in time that he eventually forgives and forgets.

That said, it doesn't sound like an awful lot of work is going on.

Koalafications · 11/09/2015 09:09

I think it was a very immature joke and one he clearly didn't appreciate.

I would be pretty pissed off if someone said that to me in front of the whole class.