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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go out until 2am at 20 weeks pregnant?

44 replies

Sweetcharlotterose · 10/09/2015 17:42

Nearly 20 weeks now, it's been a difficult pregnancy and I'm still being sick. I'm already high risk due to previously existing medical conditions and a further complication has been discovered. I don't wish to moan but I'm shattered all the time and am infinitely more sick when tired, I've returned to work this week after the holidays and I've struggled a bit.

Dh's friend has a birthday this weekend. We see these friends maybe once every six months, they drink A LOT. I don't drink even under normal circumstances and although it's dull going out with people who get so drunk they can barely speak by 11pm I usually live with it as we don't go that often and they're dh's oldest friends. I also usually end up taking at least two or three of them home afterwards.

This time I just don't want to go. I'm too tired. I don't want to have to drive over (about 40 mins) and then sit there feeling sick and tired until 2 o'clock in the morning. I've said to dh to go and either pay for a taxi or stop with one of his friends for the night. He wouldn't be the only solo person going. But he says if I don't go he won't go. Probably because he wants a lift. It's pointless saying I'll go if we can come home about midnight as once dh starts drinking with his friends he can't stop.

Aibu to not want to go? Dh thinks so and is in a sulk about it.

OP posts:
winchester1 · 10/09/2015 17:45

No of course don't go if he wants to go.he can and get a taxi. Remind him in six months time he wont have that option what with a newborn to care for and all.

TenForward82 · 10/09/2015 17:46

ABSOLUTELY NOT BU. I'm 17+5, spent 2 hours walking around the shops today and I want to crawl in bed and never emerge. I can't even imagine how you feel.

You're pregnant, put yourself first. If he wants to go get bladdered (which is pretty unfair, IMO, since you're preg and unwell and need looking after), he can get a bloody taxi and tell his friends his heavily pregnant wife isn't feeling well, and get them to send you commiseratory text messages (if you'd like that).

maggieryan · 10/09/2015 17:46

No I wouldn't go. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. If he doesn't want to go without you then tough. Yanbu..

NameChange30 · 10/09/2015 17:48

Yanbu. He's being a selfish idiot. You're carrying his baby FFS, he should be taking care of you not putting selfish demands on you.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 10/09/2015 17:49

Yanbu at all.

onthematleavecountdown · 10/09/2015 18:01

Yanbu. Don't go. if your dh can't see why you don't want to go there is something wrong with him.

trollkonor · 10/09/2015 18:01

Yanbu to not go. It's entirely his choice if he goes or not.

NerrSnerr · 10/09/2015 18:05

YANBU, he can get a taxi or book a room in a travelodge!

Doublebubblebubble · 10/09/2015 18:08

Yanbu. I was asked to go to a work do at about 18 weeks (and I had hg) couldn't/wouldn't do it for fear of having to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes... I'm almost full term now and I was meant to be going out for another work do (I had initially said yes but i have been getting very very little sleep (because of massiveness) and I've been on my feet all day... Absolutely exhausted. Feel a bit sucky but you have to do what's best for you and your baby x good luck hun x

VinylScratch · 10/09/2015 18:08

Yanbu he is being a petulant child. Tell him you're not going and he needs to man up and get over it.

MayHemm · 10/09/2015 18:08

Definitely definitely don't go - that's a no brainer. He can pay for a taxi if he wants to see his friends - he's a grown man! However, I would be miffed if it meant he was going to roll in at 3am pissed, because then you've got a drunk husband to deal with as well as everything else. Hmm

Sorry to hear you're not well, but congratulations on your pregnancy! Have you sat down and spoken to him about the toll that it's taking on your physical & mental health (in terms of exhaustion etc.)? I wonder sometimes that because men never have to contemplate the experience of childbirth they just think it's business as usual for a woman's body. It might help him to actually hear out loud that you're really suffering (and even moreso than 'the average pregnancy' because of the pre-existing conditions etc.) and you really need extra love and support from him.

HappyBeet86 · 10/09/2015 18:08

Yanbu!

I'm 7 weeks pregnant and ive been going to bed at the same time as my 2 year old!

It's a bit worrying that he is being so inconsiderate if you now, I would be fretting over how supportive he'd be if you with a newborn.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/09/2015 18:09

You are so NBU. Tell him to go or not, but its his choice and you dont want to hear him whinge about it.

toastedbeagle · 10/09/2015 18:11

Def not YANBU, no way I'd go out after about 8pm!

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 10/09/2015 18:15

YANBU.

He is being a dick.

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 18:18

Ask him if he would want his friends to know that he is sulking and dragging out his very sick very tired pregnant wife just so that he doesnt have to pay for a taxi.

And make it clear that he must stay at his friends, him stinking of beer and possibly throwing up will make you feel even worse.

Does he pull his weight the rest of the time?

ValancyJane · 10/09/2015 18:20

YADNBU!! I'm 20 weeks have skipped the odd trip to the pub with our friends or come home early. OH is absolutely fine with this. I think that's really inconsiderate of your DH to be trying to twist your arm like this!

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 18:20

Oh and "If you dont go then I wont go" should only be met with "Oh ok then, if thats what you want". Dont discuss or justify. "But I want you to cooome!" should be met with "I have explained why I am not coming, its up to you whether you go or not"
(note "I am NOT coming", that makes it non negotiable. "I dont want to come" leaves a window for him to try and persuade you)

NobodyLivesHere · 10/09/2015 18:23

you aren't unreasonable to not want to go out til 2am at any time. pregnant or not. you dont want to, so dont go. simple as that really. if he sulks thats his issue.

lorelei9 · 10/09/2015 18:23

you're not even in the same room as unreasonable!

What is his problem?!

I so agree with you that being out with people who are that hammered is dull btw. I wouldn't go normally but while pregnant? Absolute no-brainer, of course it's fair enough that you are not going.

pfft!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/09/2015 18:25

YANBU and I would ignore the sulks. It's cutting his nose off to spite his face if he declines to go at all. Don't try and talk him into going because he might roll in at stupid o'clock.

Original poster
Sweetcharlotterose · 10/09/2015 18:27

Oh good.
Hopefully I will have the conviction to stand firm. I'm not good at it. Usually I give in to the face of a few days sulking. I start to think maybe I am being unreasonable even if I know I'm probably not.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/09/2015 18:29

That's a bit worrying OP. Can you give examples of other situations when he sulks until you give in? It's not a healthy or mature way for him to behave!

Bogeyface · 10/09/2015 18:40

Usually I give in to the face of a few days sulking

And thats why he does it, because he knows that it will always work.

Stand firm. You have said that you are not going so nothing more needs to be said, dont mention it dont ask him about it, just ignore it.

And ignore his sulks. Speak to him as normal, if he ignores you when you (for example) say you are making a drink and does he want one, assume that he doesnt. Just act as if his sulks are not part of your world.

He wont like it, he will be shocked that for once his childish tactics havent worked, but you need to do this. Soon you will have a child to care for, that child must be your priority, you dont need to be dealing with his tantrums as well. See the next 20 weeks as training time to get him out of behaving like a spoilt toddler.

NameChange30 · 10/09/2015 18:44

The thing is, she shouldn't have to train him. He shouldn't be acting like that in the first place. Why should she have to fix him while also dealing with being pregnant and unwell?! It's not that I disagree - she does need to stand up to him more - but I don't think she should take responsibility for fixing his behaviour. Sadly if he's like that and doesn't want to change, there may be nothing she can do.

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