To think money isn't the reason women stay in abusive relationships

[Shiningdew]

I know it's a reason but it's not the only or even main reason, I don't think.

Or AIBU?

Why do you ask op?
It's not the main reason sometimes no, sometimes yes. Every situation is different.

Did someone say it was?

Every situation is different. I stayed in an abusive relationship because of money, he was funding my research at the time and I needed the prelim research to be able to get where I wanted career wise. That relationship was fucked up for many more reasons that just the abuse though.

Do you have any experience OP? Or any understanding at all about abusive relationships? I suspect not if you are willing to make such sweeping statements.

Firstly there is a whole range of abusive relationships - not all will involve physical violence. Economic abuse isn't uncommon - this is a type of abuse that is focused solely on one partner having complete financial control of the other. Would you say that money plays no part in this type of abusive relationship?

The fact is abusive partners exert control and money is an area that many find easy to control. Financial / economic abuse is usually present in a "classical" physically abusive relationship.

Making your partner dependent on you and removing all means of escape is how an abuser thrives... taking away financial autonomy from someone makes them dependent on you doesn't it? Same as alienating you from friends and family - which is another common factor is "classic" DV settings.

OP you are being very over simplistic and very niave.

YABU.

I'd say it was for many, so many give up financial independence it's scary and obviously the message is not being taught by school or parents. It's probably less likely for men being abused as more men work.

It's not the only reason, some stay for the children, some stay as they can't contemplate being single etc.

I ask because on threads on here in the past people have urged women to leave by telling them about tax credits and assuring them they'd be OK financially.

What i'm saying is that money might not be why they stay. It could form a significant part of the abuse of course - but you could say to some abused women 'here is a million pounds if you leave' and she would still stay.

Of course money is not the only reason women stay, but it is a huge factor for many women as to whether they feel able to leave an abusive partner or not.

I understand that

So your question is false. There is never going to be 'the' reason. There are many, of which money is one.

Yes but what I'm trying to explain is there's often an assumption when someone posts on here that if they have the money they will leave and the only reason they aren't leaving is money worries.

But I agree, there's many many reasons.

Money can be the only reason someone stays.

I have a friend who's husband had exerted so much financial control over the family situation that she was refused benefits and forced to go back to him.

Thankfully she has now managed to leave, but only because he put it in writing to her that he would be giving her no money. If she hadn't had that as evidence she would not have been able to claim benefits and leave him.

Perhaps people on here reassure abused women that they will be ok and can claim money to survive, because the poor women are terrified of leaving with nothing. They think they have nowhere to go and will end up starving and homeless. They are being controlled so ruthlessly that they have no access to any money whatsoever and are trapped.

A lot of abused women are financially dependent upon the abuser. That's not a co-incidence it's the way abusers like it to be, more control for them.

Of course a woman is going to be worried that should she go she and her children will have literally nothing. They need the advice on what to do next and that included financial information.

Surely that's common sense!

Yes I know that. But saying 'it will be ok, you'll be able to claim benefits' won't help if it isn't money.

Ime finance is one of the worries for women fleeing abusive relationships.

Advising posters on how to go about getting their finances sorted empowers them. It's a step towards believing they can do it and the basics at the very least will be covered.

I know. I guess what I'm saying is it's not always as simple as abused women being ok for money and then leaving.

I stayed for years because he destroyed my self esteem and made me believe that Ss would deam me an unfit mother because I'd had PND. I honesty thought I would lose my children if I left.

I was a person who stayed for the opposite reason - because I had a good job and was earning enough money to live on and he wasn't. I felt I couldn't leave because he couldn't support himself.

there was no money keeping me with him

i had my own home bought and paid for in my name only and my finances were seperate from his (he hardly worked and i was always bailing him out)

should of got out much sooner,and was luckier than most regarding the money situation

This is what I mean I guess.

to all those in difficult situations.

No, I don't think money is always the issue. I dont know how to put this across with out offending at least someone but I think people who stay in abusive relationships are selfish. I understand that there can be many many issues why people stay but as a child who was removed from my parents along with three siblings and placed in the care of our grandparents because my mother refused to leave my father and we were not allowed to stay because of the abuse it really boils my piss. Especially these days when there is so much financial AND emotional help out there. I feel like she picked him over us and it's only gotten worse since becoming a mother myself. If my hubby did any single think my father did he'd be out. Or buried under the patio either way I wouldn't allow it to continue the way she did and I certainly wouldn't allow him to stay if it meant my kids had to go. I think the general gist of people saying there's help out there doesn't just mean financially but that there are a whole range of organisations out there to help and that help should be sought.

Money wasn't the issue for me. A few years back there was a man who jumped off a balcony with his two children. That is the sort of thing my ex would have done. With my children. So I could not end it until I was confident this would not happen. No organisation in the world could prevent that.

Still have to put up with his occasional suicide videos, emotional abuse and temper.

I would say reading the threads on Mumsnet was the most instrumental help when it came to ending the relationship than any support organisation. It's easy to lose sight of what's not normal when you are frightened all the time.

I think you are tilting at windmills

That's what I meant Vaticancameos. Whatever the form, there is support out there. Yours was a different reason and you were putting your kids first. Through my time in care I met lots of kids like me who were there because a parent had picked a partner over them despite being told they would lose their kids should the relationship continue and in the end it's the kids that suffer. I think if some parents realised the extent to which their children are affected it might give them the final nudge to leave but sadly for some it won't.