To think money isn't the reason women stay in abusive relationships

[Shiningdew]

I know it's a reason but it's not the only or even main reason, I don't think.

Or AIBU?

I don't think there is support out there.

There's support, but I don't think it's adequate.

What I found terrifying personally was the way social services threatened to remove my children from my care if I remained living with twatface, however as soon as I left him they closed their case and would not help at all when he demanded contact.

My children had to suffer (alone) five further years of abuse from ex as the supported contact in place was not suitable to safeguarding them against twatfaces abuse.

It's left deep scars.

But had I remained I would be dead and I'm sure my DC would be very damaged he was becoming physically abusive towards them as well.

Posters are usually giving practical advice about wtc or whatever as a continuation of athread they are not really assuming the person is solely staying for money I dont think.

Yes but what I'm trying to explain is there's often an assumption when someone posts on here that if they have the money they will leave and the only reason they aren't leaving is money worries.

I think information about TCs is usually offered on (some) DA threads as part of talking the OP through a whole range of practicalities and options.

I've never seen it offered in the spirit of "You'll get some modest payments. Sorted. Now get on and LTB already"

Shining are you in a difficult situation yourself?

My sister does.
Her h treats her and her kids like crap but he was a very high earner.
She has a massive house, New car and several holidays a year.
Sounds great?
Maybe. Except the house and car are in his name (for tax reasons) and they have to go to the same place every holiday because He wont go anywhere else.
He is a pig.
But she likes the lifestyle.

I don't think there is support out there.

What kind of support do you mean?

Hatty, I have!

Support - I'm not quite sure. I think if you're in a very clear cut situation of abuse (physical, possible police involvement) there is support in terms of hostels and the like but for most women I imagine that's an absolute last resort.

I suppose support - maybe more in terms of emotional support really. I don't know!

Oh you've left?

Yes, maybe peer-to-peer helplines would be good. Someone with time to chat.

The WA/Refuge line is a bit different.

In my situation money was the reason I stayed for an extra 2 months after I'd decided to leave.

We were in a private let and I had to wait until the notice was up to afford somewhere else. I was a student so not entitled to any benefits.

No, just saying in general I don't think it's as simple as 'leave and you'll be ok for money and all will be well.' If only. I guess I'm saying I think it's so complex.

Badders I wouldn't presume to know your sister better than you but it might, just might, be more complicated than that.

Yes, it's very complex.

I think it's just one factor really. I left an abusive relationship 17 years ago and the support I got from benefits, social services and housing were invaluable. I left quite early after the abuse started, and I had education/employment experience behind me, which meant I had to confidence to know I would be OK on my own, even though I was pregnant and had no savings. I think a woman who has suffered abuse for years would have much less self-esteem and even presented with the financial figures of how much help is available, might assume that somehow the authorities wouldn't help. And some women are in much better financial situations within a marriage than they would be on benefits, so the drop in lifestyle would be hard to adjust to (we were on a low income when I was in a relationship and I was actually far better off once I left and placed in a council house and on benefits).

Plus the support available just isn't as strong as it once was. It's much harder to get council housing than it was when I got mine (and it wasn't easy then), single parents are forced off income support at a much earlier stage (I was able to stay on it until my DD was 10, which allowed me to retrain to a postgrad level), and now even tax credits are being cut for those who manage to stay in work.

Salient points marc

OP that's because for alot of us not having any money or being able to come by any money and having young children is a reason that we stayed in an abusive relationship.I had no choice!

That's the whole reason that alot of men that are abusive to they're partners control all the money,because without any money they know a women with children will stay!

Ohtheholidays, I know that's one reason why women stay but I'm just saying that it isn't the reason.

Also thinking about it, it's a kind of check list to help the person leaving the relationship.

Make sure you have all important documents, a bank account in your name and all benefits going to that account.

I don't think anyone has ever suggested money is the only reason women stay in abusive relationships

Not as such but I have definitely seen an air of 'you can afford it, leave' on here to be honest.