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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my baby being u?

77 replies

ReRegRhonda · 10/09/2015 12:50

My baby is 15 short weeks old. He's ebf on demand and cries when he needs something. Yesterday my dm had hold of him and he started to make a noise, like a half cough half cry, just a shout to let us know he needed something - he's started to shout/make noise like this rather than all out cry. So my dm said he was trying to force himself to cry because he wanted attention because he's spoilt! My aibu is, am I actually spoiling the child, can babies force a cry for attention at 3 months or is my mum crackers? I genuinely can't decide, I feel that babies this small can't be 'spoilt' but she's made me wonder!

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 19/09/2015 13:02

beetroot In the late 1920s a fruitcake called Dr. Truby King decided that to pick up a baby was 'spoiling' it . He wrote a book in which was written a routine for "baby" which stipulated that every 4 hours baby must be fed. This was when ff was fashionable, so the mums who were bfing used to wait outside their babies' rooms listening to the screams (god forbid co-sleeping!!) of their hungry babies, crying with their milk running down their clothes.

Thinking that at least they weren't "spoiling' their babies by cuddling them. Shock

Kampeki · 19/09/2015 13:06

Your baby is NBU and neither are you. Your mum, on the other hand, sounds bonkers!

ppeatfruit · 19/09/2015 13:16

You're right Inimitable I'm 64 and as you can tell I'm a very firm believer in child centred rearing , and it was sort of fashionable when I had my 3dcs I don't follow fashions though, I go by my instincts and they were to pick up my babies when they needed me. (when they cried).

But there were definitely some (,not all ,MIL said I was a good mum Grin) older women who thought I was 'spoiling' them. I just ignored them.

And they were and are lovely unspoilt people.

pigsDOfly · 19/09/2015 13:30

I'm 67 in a few weeks. My eldest DC is 35 and youngest 28, so I'm probably even older than OP's DM and I never did any of the things everyone on here seems to think my generation did with their babies.

I ebf on demand, stopping at 18 months with the oldest and over 3 years - before bed - with the youngest.

I never left them to cry, ever. Cuddled them constantly and frequently co slept as I would often fall asleep with them in my bed while bf during the night.

I also fed them where ever I was when they needed feeding - in the middle of Boots on one occasion - and no one ever asked to me leave anywhere.

Of course your baby is crying for attention OP, otherwise how does your DM think he's going to communicate with you and let you know he needs you.

Can you spoil him by picking him up? About as much as you'll spoil him by feeding him, changing his nappy and all the other vital things you do for him.

Your DM is talking rubbish.

Chottie · 19/09/2015 13:35

Please, please ignore your mother. I'm probably around the same age as her, I would never ever do this. I feel sad that she is being so undermining to you.

My DCs are in their 30s and I always, always picked them up when they were babies. They have not grown up spoilt or demanding.

Chottie · 19/09/2015 13:39

Just to say I am 100% in agreement with Pigs and ppeat and am of the same generation (60 years old). I never ever left babies in prams at the bottom of the garden (!) to cry.

OneDay103 · 19/09/2015 13:40

She's nuts and so are you if you actually had to ask the question.

BlackeyedSusan · 19/09/2015 13:49

may be he is ticklish. ds made that noise the day he was born as he was really ticklish during nappy changes.

DisappointedOne · 19/09/2015 14:21

Okay, here's some simple evolutionary biology. Babies should be in the womb for 12 months. However, if they were we wouldn't be able to get them out through our pelvises (which have to be the size and shape they are to enable us to walk upright and carry our heavy brains). So all babies are born premature, and those first 3 months outside the womb the baby needs everything it had inside: held constantly, sleeping and feeding on demand. Human infants have to learn to walk and communicate: brains are complex and need lots of interaction to develop. Know why they should sleep in your room for 6 months? Because hearing you breathe reminds them to breathe. Skin to skin helps them regulate temperature and you produce milk. You are not spoiling your baby by giving them what they need to grow!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 19/09/2015 14:25

Why is a baby wanting attention a bad thing anyway?!

ppeatfruit · 19/09/2015 14:26

Thanks Chottie Grin

I remember hearing and feeling Sad at one baby who was screaming away in a house when I passed walking the dog at 6.30 every evening. I eventually got to know the mum and the baby was a disturbed teenager. The mother was Hmm too actually.

QOD · 19/09/2015 14:27

Omg my mum and nan were like this. Dd would make this 'oh wu oh wu oh wu' type gurgling noise all happy but it meant Hmmm I'm getting peckish. So I'd start warming milk and nappy change etc and. They'd piss n.moan that babies NEEED to cry. Erm she did but in the day when I was home ... she didn't HAVE to

Original poster
ReRegRhonda · 19/09/2015 14:36

Mum is only 51, which is scary.

Thanks for all the replies. I needed reassuring as in my tired new mum blur I couldn't decide if it was her talking shit or me being naive.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 19/09/2015 14:48

In order for your baby to be spoilt pretending to cry to get attention he would have to be capable of understanding that

You are a separate person from him.

You make decisions about your actions.

His signs of distress can affect the decisions you make.

Crying is a sign of distress.

Faking crying is possible and forced coughing could sound like it.

There is something he wants but doesn't need enough to be genuinely                distressed.

Your baby would need to be beyond genius in order to have that level of knowledge and understanding at 15 weeks. Currently he doesn't even know that continue to exist when he can't see/hear/feel you.

Yes. Your mother is crackers.

TheExMotherInLaw · 19/09/2015 17:14

Good to see other 60+ people on here.
i also agree your DM is a little misguided batshit crazy

Enkopkaffetak · 19/09/2015 17:50

Research shows that the more you touch cuddle and talk to a baby. Grow up as more intelligent and calm in them selves adults . Keep trusting your instinct.

Gaspard · 19/09/2015 22:39

Ipswich, I really need to take issue with the 'some get lucky' way of thinking. What is lucky exactly when talking about babies and young children? Do you feel you 'hit the jackpot' with the one child and got 'unlucky' with the poor sleeper/picky eater? Can't quite explain why but this thinking really bothers me. What happens when the poor sleeper becomes the more empathetic, 'easier' child, do we say then that our luck has changed?Sorry but I can't get my head around this thinking, maybe you can explain?

Pyjamaramadrama · 19/09/2015 22:49

You can't spoil a baby. I hate it when people call babies spoilt.

It can be nice for babies to self settle for sleep reasons but instinct tells me that they're best cuddled up with mum or dad.

I absolutely believe that by being there for your baby you give them confidence.

sleepyelectricsheep · 19/09/2015 22:57

InimitableJeeves I suspect your mum parented very differently to you, and feels threatened by the way you are doing things.

Because - if you're doing it differently, did she maybe do it all wrong? If she can convince you to do it like she did, then maybe she did do it right after all, IYSWIM?

Just nod and smile, then ignore and do it your way anyway.

sleepyelectricsheep · 19/09/2015 23:02

And you can't spool a baby anyway. They're only little for such a short time, enjoy those snuggles while you can and let your baby know he's loved, not ignored. It'll make him feel secure.

nottheOP · 19/09/2015 23:08

gaspard I had a problem sleeper. In terms of babyhood they're only really measured in terms of if they feed well, sleep well, are easy going etc. Some babies are easier, there's no harm acknowledging this as it has no impact on how they're viewed in later life.

My problem sleeper is now just as wonderful as his peers and probably a bit better it's a rubbish phase for the parents though

liletsthepink · 19/09/2015 23:13

OP, I'm a few years older than your mother and I clearly remember at my antenatal classes (not NCT) being told that young babies can't be spoilt. We were definitely made aware that it was far better for our DC to be fed (preferably bf) on demand until they were weaned and given lots of attention in order to create a strong bond with both parents.

My younger DC used to make chatting noises and squeaks similar to your baby and was talking by a year old. She's a very articulate and chatty adult now!

Your mother's ideas were considered more usual during my grandmother's era and were very outdated even 30 years ago.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/09/2015 23:52

How on earth can a baby be unreasonable. Sorry but, yeah. With the greatest respect. I think your dm might be crackers.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 19/09/2015 23:55

Oh forgot my manners there. Many connections congratulations on the arrival of your little manFlowers

Gaspard · 20/09/2015 00:14

Ok, I think I understand.