Help needed with my almost 6 year old DS. Playing up at school but perfect at home. What do I do?

[Onlastnerve]

Hello all,

My Y1 son (one of the eldest in his year) is behaving badly at school.

So far this term (4 days) he has drawn on someone else's work, thrown a football in someone's face, pushed someone out of a queue, had a food fight at lunchtime, called someone names, stayed outside at the end of playtime instead of rejoining his class, and 2 or 3 incidents of pushing/shoving in the playground.

I spoke to school (I asked for the meeting). They say he has poor impulse control, needs to take direction from the teachers, show more empathy.

He is basically well behaved in the mornings and low level disruptive in the afternoons. I think his behaviour is high level disruptive! The school think these are minor incident. I am horrified by the way he's behaving and scared he's going to turn into a bully.

I want the school to tell me at the end of each day if he has behaved well. They are point blank refusing to because (1) they cannot do this for 30 children and (2) they don't think he should end the school day being reminded of a misdemeanour that happened that morning and has already been dealt with.

All they want me to do is talk to him. This behaviour occurred all through last year (Reception) and I asked for regular meetings. They refused to cooperate with a daily book for me (something simple, a smiley face for good behaviour etc) last year as the teacher did not have time. I am trying to follow through with removing treats/toys at home if he has behaved badly at school, but my hands are tied because the school are refusing this communication.

The advice from school to "talk to him at home" has been followed for a year. I have talked to him/role played situations with him/read books about being unkind to friends etc.

The trouble is, it is making no difference. He behaves well when he is with me. When he goes to school he behaves like a terror. No matter how much talking I do, it's having no effect.

He gets 12 hours sleep, has a very healthy diet and sport at least 5 times a week including PE. He is able to concentrate for long periods on his work (school have commented on this), he is doing well with reading, handwriting, maths etc. No complaints about him academically.

I asked school about SEN and they think not. I don't know what to do :(

Some good points GuesswhoIamtoday.

I began giving him packed lunches with no sugar or junk. He does not eat well from the lunch hall choosing refined carbs and a large sugary pudding most days.

He could be acting out frustrations from playtime in the afternoon or finding it difficult to switch back to classroom mode. I can talk to him about this.

Tyrannosaurus, was this in a large state primary too? Or private with small classes? Genuinely interested not wanting to open a discussion about state vs private.

Medium sized state primary. Standard sized classes of 30ish.

Could the school environment be over stimulating for him and that's why you see these behaviours because it's very noisy and people are in his space and it's too much for him? It's presumably much quieter and calmer at home and he has more control over what he's doing. The lunch hour sounds particularly difficult.

I would be concerned that his teacher can't make 5 minutes at the end of the day!

When my ds went through a disruptive phase the teacher would give me a thumbs up if he had been well behaved and a thumbs down if not so well. I also could speak to the teacher for 5 minutes at the end of the day or if they were busy the next day. They actively encouraged a school/home rapport where I backed the school up and they backed me up with him.

Mine go to a large state primary (OFSTED Good).

This yesterday DS teacher (Year 5, so a bit older) spoke tome about low level poor behaviour (making paper planes, not listening, chatting). They have been back 5 days.

I am a teacher myself. I don't see DSs teacher daily.

• Played the disappointed Mum to a tee yesterday evening. Massive talk. Likewise with his Dad. Bed early and no treats.

• At home in the evening I made a report card for DS. Knocked up on my PC so that his teacher doesn't need to make one herself.

• Explained to DS that the responsibility for getting it completed is his. Not his teachers job to remember. He must give it to teacher at end of every day. He will get in trouble with me if it is forgotten or not completed.

• Spoke with his teacher this morning. Agreed I am not asking for much - just please fill in a word or two each day to sum up his behaviour. More only if something happened.

• *I have therefore put DS on report for the half term. Because I* want to know how his behaviour is every single day. Most other Mums can chat to the teacher afterschool each day and ask. I can't so think my request is reasonable.

I would be unhappy with your schools lack of response. As a teacher, parental support is vital and so as long as you are on the side of the school in tackling this, you should be working in unison with his teacher.

My belief is stamp down on poor behaviour quickly and stamp down hard to make a clear point. It then shouldn't become a long term problem.

The school would soon be ploughing all their resources into you if you were a recalcitrant parent who didn't really care what your son did at school. They should feel grateful that you promote such a postive message about discipline at home.
I don't think a word or two, or even a stamp, at the end of the day is too much to ask.

AppleandBlackberry, yes to that. He dislikes loud noises (covers his ears). This is what prompted us to have his ears tested but his hearing is good.

I am on top of these behaviours before they happen at home, and he is not self regulating at school. If he sees one other child do something silly he will follow and start being silly himself.

He likes alone time at home to sit and be engrossed in an activity. He loves a bit of peace and quiet!

What does he have for lunch? Is he having enough? Is he having enough sleep?

There is a school of thought that children save their misbehaviour for where they feel safe and behave themselves where they feel a little unsafe. Is there any reason why he would feel less safe at home? Shouty Dad or anything?

If his hearin is good and he dislikes loud noises, could it be that he is getting overstimulated at school? Mornings tend to be a little quieter, and more structured, with some children doing work with adults, whereas in the afternoon there is often free choice.

Lunchtimes in particular, if there is a lunch hall it gets VERY noisy in there (echoes).

If he's spending lunchtime getting 'wound up' by noise and unstructured time, that could explain why his is finding afternoons more difficult.

FATE the Op's son is 5 years old and just gone into his first year of 'proper' schooling. It may be that he doesn't yet have the skills to manage his own behaviour (OP says herself she manages his behaviour at home). How the hell will coming down on him like a ton of bricks help?

OP needs to work with the school to help her son develop his own behavior management strategies. She needs the big picture - not to micro manage every little incident.

OP how about giving him more autonomy at home to regulate his own behaviour?

Barbarian it worked with my daughter at exactly the same age. I know children are all different but there is a real tendency to underestimate them.

the school is dealing with it
the school is informing you
the school does not want you to impose punishments for in school behaviour long after it happened
the school is developmentally correct
+ve reinforcement from your end will work wonders for your son .He will internalise that he is bad if you continue as you are doing.

It might be worth feeding back to the school what you think is going on. They might be able to work with him and you on strategies, E.g he could be put at the front of a queue near the teacher if queues are stressful for him.

The noise of school could be hurting his hearing, he may also not be hearing instructions given to him by adults. For example swimming pools tend to have awful echoing acoustics and it can be hard to make out the instructions from background noise.
It has been shown that just being at a "party" can make children "hyper" even if there is no sugar, colourings etc. Your son could be over stimulated at school and struggling - there is a lot of noise, different things to see, different smells etc. There is a teacher who is sometimes here called Mrz and she often says how infant classrooms can be massively over stimulating - and as a result some children can struggle to pay attention.

If your son is trying hard all morning, he may well be worn out by lunchtime, and hence behaviour slips in the afternoon (we all struggle with handling our feelings when over tired).

I expect that home is relatively calm and peaceful - you probably even speak in a lovely soft voice.

My personal strategy is to not punish at home for things that happen in school, whilst letting my DC know when they have let me down, and discuss why they did whatever they did. And maybe suggest better ways of dealing with frustration.

Is he an only child and not really used to behave with other children?

barbarian ops son is actually 6 and just starting his second year at school, year 1. Same age as my second son. I would do the same if I had these issues with my 6 year old.

If he was just starting reception class, then I would think differently.

Is he able to reflect on his own behaviour and tell you how the day was for him? It could be a bit of a start of term thing- pushing boundaries etc and may settle down. If the teacher sees it as minor and is dealing with it I wouldn't worry overmuch, hopefully the teacher will be looking for opportunities to praise him for good behaviour. If not, maybe just make it clear that you want to work with them and will support any plan they come up with.

He is not an only child, and home is calm most of the time. He is used to being around other children but often wants to be the one who chooses the game, and is far happier if he's winning rather than losing. He does silly things around new people. If he feels anxious he'll be silly rather than shy away.

He can reflect on his day and know that he did something wrong. This does not stop him repeating the behaviour later in the week though.

Mummytime, interested in what you mean by 'hurting his hearing' We have had 3 hearing tests and ears are good. But he often tells me loud noises hurt his ears. At a kids disco he literally wanted to hide from the noise.

Fate children enter Y1 age five and turn 6 during the year. OP also states her son is 'nearly 6'. This is a little boy, I'm not arguing with how you dealt with your son, I'd have done the same.

Some children are more sensitive than others. My children used to leave Church creche with their hands over their ears as Church was too loud. They also gag at some smells. Find some clothes very uncomfortable (funnily my DD hates satin and I hate crimplene type materials).

Form some children like this sitting in the average Infant school classroom must be like you trying to read a specialist academic paper in the middle of a night club.

Hello. I work in primary schools, but in quite an arm's length way, so I'm not in classrooms very much, have very little contact with children and don't always get all they do.

With another head on, I do volunteer work with people who have SN children.

So the first thing to say is that if your school has a reputation for "getting rid" of SEN or any way "difficult" children, then that should be a massive flag for you, and should govern how you deal with the school. And in that case, you absolutely should be insisting on meetings with records kept.

If not, most schools (I work in 3 very different schools, but they're all the same on this issue) allow themselves space to chastise or punish children without need to inform parents. This is because they recognise children are allowed to make mistakes or bad decisions without the sky falling in on their heads (making mistakes is part of growing up). It's not fair on little Jonny if every time he's chastisted his parent are informed and punish him anew. All schools have consequence systems, and most schools feel that if they deal with something (whether that's a sad-face or time out or missing a playtime to reflect on their behaviour) then that should be IT, without parents needing to wade in as well.

The other thing I would say would be, rather than inventing "punishments" at home, could you not possibly invent "rewards" your DS would earn. Punishments don't generally work and a motivated child (one trying to earn a reward) is generally a win-win.

Good luck!

invent rewards not punishments! Thank you fatmomma. I took the liberty of quoting this on another thread on the same topic and attributed it to you of course.

Have rtft. If he genuinely gets enough sleep and a good diet there's a couple of other things you might want to check. BTW I'm an ex HCP and ex cm.

Hypoglyaemia, diabetes, anemia, sensory processing issues.

Wouldn't hurt to have a trip to Dr and investigate a physical cause.

Also (and yes people may disagree because many bad parents claim this as an excuse) but there genuinely are some food additives which very rarely can cause aggression in children who can't cope with them. Is there any possibility he's getting energy drinks at lunchtime?

Energy drinks at 5 years old?! More likely to be cheap squash with artificial colours/flavours. I used to be badly affected by it as a child. Some foods have them in too, some surprising offenders like crisps and fruit bars can be full of additives, not just sweets.