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To Wish This Health Anxiety Would Feff Off And Die?

45 replies

ForTheLongestTime · 09/09/2015 18:46

I have anxiety. I know this.

I am currently convinced I have:
a) Motor neurone disease
b) A DVT in my calf and probably small PEs too
c) Aspergers

I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to die and leave DS motherless/ die a horrible death and how awful it will all be.
I know, it's ridiculous (though each one has evidence that supports it in my mind, and option c) is quite likely true).
But I can't stop ruminating and I can't sleep and I can't concentrate on anything like, you know, life, because NOTHING MATTERS BECAUSE I'M PROBABLY ABOUT TO DIE.
Which again, I know, is ridiculous.
Atm I am having to stop myself from driving to A&E to have a leg scan.

Anxiety can fuck all the way off.

OP posts:

RachelZoe · 09/09/2015 18:52

Are you getting help? This is a fixable thing, many people recovery from anxiety and health anxiety with the right help.


Sallystyle · 09/09/2015 19:06

It is manageable with the right treatment and self-help, but fuck me it is hard.

I am currently in a very good place right now but I had a couple of years when my children's father had cancer and died where I got in a right mess with it to the extent that I would wash in the dark because I was petrified of noticing something worrying on my body.

I went to the GP regularly for symptoms but was always aware my feelings weren't normal so I thankfully never demanded tests or took myself to A&E.

It's an awful thing to live with but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Im not free of it, I will likely always have to fight it but I am 90% better than I was. I know I might go through a bad spell again at some point but for now I'm enjoying being well and it took a lot of hard work to get here.

Thanks to you.


StillStayingClassySanDiego · 09/09/2015 19:08

I have had this anxiety and am currently experiencing it, I understand what you're going through.

In bed in the dark; I am convinced I'm going to have a heart attack and die in the night because of my current stress.

In real time, working and watching telly, talking , I give no thought to such daft ideas.

I've had CBT in the past and use those tips to relieve stress when needed as I'm currently doing.


sanfairyanne · 09/09/2015 19:12

If you do have asd, health anxiety is really common. Its also, just imo, because at least for my family members with asd, they are more sensitive to minor body changes and medication


Sallystyle · 09/09/2015 19:13

I used to laugh when my GP asked me if I wanted to kill myself.

I felt like shouting 'No I fucking don't!! if I did I wouldn't spend every second in extreme fear of fucking dying would I?'

OP I was convinced I had oral cancer, cervical cancer, ovary cancer, blood cancer, throat cancer, tonsil cancer, stomach cancer, bowel cancer, skin cancer and dementia. Sometimes more than one at a time.

I'm still alive :)


ForTheLongestTime · 09/09/2015 19:28

Thank you for replies, they're making me smile despite myself!

Yes, I have access to my CBT guy who I've seen on and off for years for my OCD. Perhaps it's time to make another appointment.

U2 Yep! And what a moron.
And I'm glad you're 90%. I think it's always going to lurk, isn't it? I'm pretty much in remission from horrible OCD, but I know the feelings and that it might try to claw its way back in to the same extent one day (but now I know how to stop it, mostly). But anxiety, generally, has 1001 ways of showing itself.

sanfairyanne Thank you. That's a diagnosis that would be a bit of a relief atm, for reasons that make me miserable (feeling like a different species at mother and baby groups) but not anxious in the same way as all the shitty health anxiety.

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/09/2015 19:30

I got so sick of this ruining my life that I am now on antidepressants. I have my life back and feel normal again. Don't suffer unneccesarily- get treatment.


ForTheLongestTime · 09/09/2015 19:30

StillStaying Sorry you're also suffering. Night is always worse! Too much time and space to concentrate on bodily sensations and let fears spiral.

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/09/2015 19:32

By the way, CBT type treatment didn't help me at all. Everyone's different though


ForTheLongestTime · 09/09/2015 19:44

InSpace Interesting. I found CBT excellent for reasoning through the OCD ruminations but rubbish at dealing with the somatic side of anxiety, which, for me, required SSRIs to tackle. I've been on and off them and am currently off.

OP posts:

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/09/2015 19:51

Exactly my findings too longest. Ive no idea what will happen when I try reducing/ stopping SSRI's (been on em 2 years) but I do know that I NEVER want to go back to living like that.


maybebabybee · 09/09/2015 19:51

I have to say CBT didn't help me with my anxiety (which is almost completely centred around health anxiety and fear of loved ones dying or having incurable illnesses) at all. I sat there thinking 'but surely this is all just common sense, which doesn't help me'. I already knew what I was feeling was illogical. I just couldn't stop it.

Anyway, I totally sympathise OP. Currently convinced my mum has ovarian cancer and my OH has malignant melanoma. Thankfully my OH is very sweet and will go to the GP to stop me worrying. My mum will not do likewise. Not that I expect either of them to, really!


TheoriginalLEM · 09/09/2015 19:54

Yes yes yes - anxiety, fuck off and fucking cunting well die, you bastard!!!

oooooh, that feels better!!!

OP - i could have written your post, not so much now because my health anxiety has morphed into generalised anxiety disorder which means im anxious about EVERY FUCKING THING! Its exhausting.

Health anxiety was and is the worst! I have had it all, cancer, MS, HIV, the lot. It is all consuming, i would even stare resentfully at women's breasts and think, "its all right for you, you haven't got breast cancer" FFS!!! Hmm Its almost comical but it has stolen my happiness from me. I can't remember the last time i actually laughed properly :(

Sorry OP, ive been at the Wine which is stupid because it triggers my anxiety like a mother fucker.

I have resigned myself to being on SSRIs for the rest of my life. Even though im actually doing ok just now, i know i need them still. I was on citalopram but changed recently to escitalopram which seems to have fewer side effects for me. Its more expensive than citalopram so they tend to use that option first.


carabos · 09/09/2015 19:55

Friend of mine had an imaginary leg DVT followed by an imaginary brain tumour. She got the relevant scans as her GP played a straight bat. Her favourite line is "I know how to diagnose these things so that makes life much easier for the GP". She's a 65 yr old housewife who has never worked.

Your GP will be professional and sympathetic - you may or may not have a physical disease, but your mental health isn't 100% so do go and ask for help.


InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/09/2015 20:00

original I am on Fluoxetine (prozac) and it works like magic with no noticeable side-effects.For me, at least, of course everyone's different. Although- the starting dose of 20 mg did nothing. GP doubled it to 40mg after a month and it worked like magic straight away.


ForTheLongestTime · 09/09/2015 20:43

TheOriginal There is a black humour to it, isn't there? :D
Ha, I have also been looking at people and thinking similar! And forgot to add HIV to the list - that's there too, obvs.
I don't know why I am resistant to going back on SSRIs. Probably because it was so exhausting coming off and I only did it earlier this summer.
Good to know about escitalopram though.

carabos Lol. At least I have some self awareness!

INSpace I tried prozac first years ago and had a really awful reaction to it - hugely intense, night long panic attack. I've not had the balls to try it again.

OP posts:

HappyMeerkat · 09/09/2015 21:14

I can definitely relate to this as I also suffer from health anxiety.

Believing I am gonna have a heart attack/ stroke/ cancer.

I also 2 years ago at Christmas thought I had a DVT in my leg and something like Parkinson's 1am Christmas morning I was crying down the phone to 101 I think it is to see if I needed to go to hospital.

I don't really leave the house because of my anxiety but today I had to drive to a London hospital for my disabled mum and my anxiety played up and is continuing to with weird chest sensations acid reflux etc panicking about Going out, driving, in a place I don't know, phone running out, so if something happened she'd be stuck and would affect her, mum with me, all the traffic so an ambulance couldn't get to me quickly etc but I've struggled hard for nearly a month going cold turkey not checking my pulse after at one point checking my pulse over 200 times in a day.

Sleeping is difficult 4am is an early night and I try to tell myself I've panicked before hand and not gone to a and e so it's unlikely I will unless something I deem really bad so I try and fall asleep knowing id probably rather die asleep than awake.

Due to the nature of my degree course although I was getting 1sts and 2.1s for the entirety it got really bad towards the end for various reasons and I finished with a 2.2 and haven't been able to face work yet.

I wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone, and wish I didn't have it but I think it has improved my empathy for people most of the time. It's just surprising how quickly I can go from its ok I can do things and feeling fine to really anxious and convinced there's something wrong.

But yes it can FUCK OFF and then FUCK OFF SOME MORE


ForTheLongestTime · 09/09/2015 21:18

Meerkat Flowers

Sorry you're having such a miserable time of it. I've done the pulse thing and I used to resist going anywhere that I perceived as being out of reach of medical help. Miserable stuff.
Also, the pulse checking is OCD, were you aware of that? I mention it because it might be relevant to what type of therapy you get, if you choose to get it.

Well done on getting a 2:2, that's actually bloody amazing in the grip of a panic disorder.

OP posts:

BillyDaveysDaughter · 09/09/2015 21:31

My husbands friend has health anxiety. It drains all the joy out of him, he started some medication and felt better but stopped taking them when he applied for a new job - didn't want it on his record.

It's such a shame that he can't/won't help himself. He's a nice bloke with a fabulous family that he can't enjoy due to his endless, festering worry. It's even starting to show a little in his eldest child.

Medication is the answer! I take an old style tricyclic, lofepramine, for phobic anxiety - I'm emetophobic (fear of vomiting). Which is a kind of health anxiety, just very specific! Been on the drug for years, works very well.

Best of luck - it can be managed, you might just need a little help getting there!


InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 09/09/2015 21:36

longest I can see why you wouldn't want that reaction again! All I know is that I can't live happily with the anxiety. If I need medication to normalise my brain then so be it. I no longer care about any stigma attached to 'medication'. I'm suffering from a disorder. This is the treatment. Or the one that works for me anyway.


HappyMeerkat · 09/09/2015 21:38

Thank you ForTheLongestTime

Yeah although it's got tough twice before around the month mark this week is extra stressful but if I can get through it then it can hopefully springboard me.

I do have therapy sessions(refuse pills),but in my area it's a 6 session maximum then you have to wait two months. It's my 4th different counsellor /therapist as I kept getting referred we have touched on OCD a little but it's not a major issues generally just like making sure doors are closed by checking a few times (which is why I know my land lady lied when illegally evicting me in my last semester )

But hopefully you, I and everyone else can learn to cope effectively so it minimises the impact on our lives but it's easier said than done


unlucky83 · 09/09/2015 22:33

I was seriously ill 20 + years ago...a string of ill health over a 6 month period - some maybe related, some definitely not. (At one point I likely had a PE diagnosed as pneumonia - I was walking around with it ... treated with am I still alive?)
I was in A&E , had on call doctor out a couple of times, countless gp appts - I was convinced I was a I ignored a slightly sore leg. Eventually it got a bit swollen...I actually asked my flat mates whether they would be worried or not and they said they would be...went to A&E AGAIN - turns out I had an enormous DVT (my leg didn't swell and would never as much as it should have done cos even pre DVT I had abnormal veins -that leg won't swell unless a clot gets massive)
I was told I might die - the doctors thought I might die - (read my notes - they more or less say WTF? never seen anything like it) I've had the crash trolley out (didn't need) ...I really am lucky to be alive...
I was told I had a blood disorder -then I didn't - it was inexplicable -still a mystery - it seems for some reason my blood turned to glue for 6 months...maybe it will again...
Now if I have anything that could be clot related I have to go and get it checked out ....

Now why am I telling someone with health anxiety all that?

Because I have suffered with it - probably with some reason. But I have spent the last 20+ years worrying and fretting (and had countless scans and doc appts for sore legs and chest pains - hospital stays. Long story but I have said goodbye -just in case- to my then 18 month old - she didn't realise).
I have had (real) panic attacks in the shower (at one point research showed a lot of people got PEs in the shower - but that's probably just a coincidence) - I have at times not been able to have a shower, too scared. I have been waiting and watching for the next one - the fatal one.
Last year I may or may not have had another DVT (don't ask) - it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be...
The one thing that came out of it was I finally realised that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do to change this.
If I get a PE or a clot I do - I will either survive or not, cope or not...but nothing I do or can do will change it. I can't control it.
I have wasted all that time worrying - the fear has been much much much worse than anything else would has completely overshadowed my life.
I am incredibly lucky - but have never once felt it...I am starting to now. I still get worried (and will still need to get things checked) but I feel free - or at least freer - and it feels good.

I hope that helps - have had medication in the past but it really is a state of mind - easy to say but hard to do. Good Luck Flowers - I know the fear is crippling - but I truly believe it is worse than any illness would be...


ThatsNotMyRabbit · 09/09/2015 22:36

I've been prone to this lately.

Oddly it seems to have coincided with life being really good. I've recently trained for, and got a job doing, something I've always wanted to do. I should be on top of the world and I am - except I'm also convinced that Sod's law will mean something goes wrong - mostly me becoming ill, unable to enjoy my new dream job and ultimately shuffling off this mortal coil leaving my DCs motherless.


unlucky83 · 09/09/2015 23:14

thats how is worrying going to make any difference - except have a negative impact on your happiness?
If you did get eg cancer - you were going to get cancer. You can't change that. You are going to survive ...or not....
Whatever happens you will deal with it the best way you can because you will have to....but at the moment you don't have to deal with it - even think about it. And if something terrible did happen it would be even worse because you didn't even appreciate how great things were when all was well....
Really don't waste your happiness worrying about 'what if' ... just appreciate the here and now. Flowers
And I agree with Carabos the GP is there to treat your mental health just as much as your physical health - and you do have a health problem - go and see them.


Mellifera · 09/09/2015 23:44

OP, oh yes, I know how you feel.

I had a PE 6 years ago, and it absolutely threw me. Took 2 years to get back to normal, because I developed severe anxiety and PTSD, was on Trimipramine for 12 months.

Then I had 3 years of being quite happy.
At the beginning of the year I had a minor thrombotic episode, clotting in the superficial veins of the leg. Had surgery. Leg is still bigger than the other. All the anxiety is back. It's crippling. I'm very close to asking for meds, GP is aware but I wanted to try and kick the anxiety into the corner without meds, after all I've done it before.

The worst thing is, I know that all is well at the moment, but I cannot enjoy life. Because of the 'what ifs'. The fear is within me, I can feel it seeping into other areas but I can just about control it. For now.

Get help. I know I should take my own advice, too.

Btw I have an oxygen test thingy, because I developed Hyperventilation Syndrome (great, that) and the symptoms are very much like a PE. After a panic stricken rush to A&E I decided to take control of this and bought the thingy. Whenever I woke up with symptoms, quick test showing 99% sats and I was able to calm down. My sats with PE were 78.

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