To think that this phobia means the end of my career?

[RoboticSealpup]

I've had this phobia since I was about eleven, when I was pushed out onto the stage to fill a gap in our school play. I hadn't prepared anything, but I think I might have told some jokes. The next day, I was told by a friend that the whole class felt that I had ruined the whole evening. Since then, I have something close to a panic attack when I am asked to speak in front of others in a formal setting.

At university I used beta blockers, as they lower my heart rate and that works OK, but only when I know in advance that I will have to speak. There are also some side effects, like a severe headache.

I'm looking for a new job now after maternity leave, and "oral communication skills" always comes up as a 'desirable' or 'essential' competency. I am starting to think that this is a shortcoming that's severe enough to render me almost useless to an employer. I feel like my career has ended before it's even begun.
I'm a social researcher, so not someone who needs to talk in public a lot, but even then you need to be 'excellent' at this according to practically all job adverts I've seen. I can't lie because I had to turn down a speaking event in my previous job as I was pregnant and couldn't take my medication. My old boss won't lie on my reference.

All "cures" I've seen advertised seem like scams. I once went to a hypnotist / cbt practitioner in Harley street who charged me ??60/ hour to tell me that my fear was irrational. Needless to say, I know this, but I still panic.

I feel so pathetic and like I'm letting my DH and DD down.

a) try NHS CBT counselling if you can get it.

b) oral communications skills doesn't always mean "doing presentations". They may just want to know if you can speak clearly and politely to colleagues and customers without telling them to fuck off

I'd suggest contacting the HR dept and asking if a lot of public speaking is required for the role?

I don't think it necessarily means the end of your career. How are you at speaking in small groups or one-on-one? Sometimes "excellent oral communication skills" can mean that sort of communication, not necessarily giving big presentations.

Have you tried some sort of drama coaching, voice production, elocution lessons? All these would help you to control your breathing and your voice , prepare what you have to say, and get used to the sound of your own voice in public.
Your experience, aged ten, was truly terrifying; it is not surprising that it affected you so much.

Actually, the job adverts usually say oral presentation skills, not just communication. I wrote it wrong in the OP.

The NHS doesn't even give suicidal people access to talking therapies (I've done research on this) so I don't think I've got much hope. And I've already spent so much on various self help schemes that I'm write reluctant to try something unless someone can tell me or worked for them. But I've never met anyone who has gotten over this phobia.

*it worked for them

The NHS doesn't even give suicidal people access to talking therapies

Yes it does, your research is incorrect, it might take some time, but there are crisis teams too for people who are close to suicide.

Don't be put off by your Harley Street experience, if you can pay the rent, you're in, being on Harley Street is no mark of quality at all. Hypnosis is also very unreliable.

Perhaps give CBT another go, but something else you could try is EMDR, it's primarily for PTSD kind of things but it has other uses, it will essentially help you reprocess that incident and remember it neutrally, enabling you not to be so triggered by being put in a similar situation. It will have to be private but it's a quick therapy, not endless sessions. Google for practitioners in your area.

My DH overcame a fear of public speaking with therapy (CBT) and while he still doesn't like it, it's doable.

It's quite common to catastrophize when you have anxiety and phobia issues, be aware that this is what your brain might be tricking you into doing here re the "ruining your career" stuff.

I hope you make some progress soon

Thank you Rachel. Just to clarify, I've personally interviewed two people who had waited a year for non-drug based therapy after a suicide attempt. So, technically they were on a waiting list but they had not received any help at that point.

It's really good to hear about your husband!

I had hypnotherapy for a fear of flying and it worked though I do still have to take drugs when I fly it means I can for example see a film with a plane in and not have a panic attack or watch one fly over the house/car without being panicky.

a lot of it depends on how receptive you are and how much you want to over come the issue. taking beta blockers like this is never going to be the solution so you do need to try and find a way of working this out.

I just wanted to say that at one point at uni I would have a panic attack just from being in a seminar, never mind talking and I couldn't imagine ever getting over it, but since taking an anxiety course and working through it myself I got a job in sales and have conducted meetings in my second language and given presentations to large rooms. You absolutely can get past it, but you need to be kind to yourself. You are not pathetic, you're climbing a psychological mountain and it takes time. Just keep going bit by bit every day with small challenges. Please do it for you, because you deserve to live without constant stress. Good luck to you x

You poor thing the school experience sounds awful. I think you need a presentation skills course- could you ask your current employer as part of your development plan?

I've actually had hypnotherapy to get through a specific meeting that I knew a lot about in advance (who would attend, which room it would be in, what I would have to say). It worked amazingly well, but I had six sessions and a CD to listen to every night for two months.

It only worked for that specific occasion. I cannot do this every time.

Social anxiety is horrible, but it can be overcome. Most people with social anxiety think there's something wrong with their social skills/ability to communicate. Actually there often isn't, its just that anxiety gets in the way. and it's this anxiety you need to understand and work through. You should be able to get access to CBT via the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies Services (ask your GP). Waiting times can be terrible, but it is there (and better to be on a waiting list than not at all). In the meantime, there are some self help resources you could look at. Try this www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=40
Good luck.

Look into Rob Kelly's Thrive programme- it's private only but you only need 6 sessions.

I really wouldn't worry about this.

Excellent oral communication skills is basically a filler on job description. The reason you see it often is that it is pretty meaningless.

It doesn't mean that they expect you to present to hundreds of people - just that you can discuss work and not piss you colleagues off by being rude/ grumpy.

Hi, as well as accessing support I would still apply for jobs and be honest about how you don't enjoy presenting but are happy to prepare and support presentations as part of a team / you have nothing to lose and there may well be people who are strong at presenting there already. Focus on your other strengths. I totally understand. I hate presenting but had to do it a lot when I was an academic and i wouldn't sleep for days beforehand.

You've all lifted my mood so much today, thanks for all your kind comments and suggestions.

Could you perhaps have a couple of beta blockers in your bag as a confidence giver - if the worst really comes to the worst I've got a beta blocker, sort of thing?
If they give you a severe headache then they should be avoided, but maybe if you knew you had them for an emergency then just knowing that would make things easier.
I took one for a music exam as I'd nearly fainted with terror in the previous one and my fingers were sweating and kept slipping off the keys.

I think the problem with accessing CBT/Talking Therapies on the NHS must be down to where you are OP. In my area you do self-referral and I only waited 2 weeks for a telephone assessment and then 2 months for an appointment. ( I obviously live in a very relaxed stress free part of the country ) I have now had 8 x 1:1 sessions free of charge. In areas where there is a longer wait I think they offer group sessions.

Find yourself a good accredited therapist - anyone who tells you your fear is irrational is not a qualified therapist imo. I have a number of phobias which I know are irrational - doesn't stop me being scared and anxious. My latest panic attacks have been brought on by doing something that I have never given a 2nd thought to for over 30 years and now I suddenly can't do it any more - for no apparent reason. I know that is irrational and I don't need to pay someone ??60 an hour to tell me that.

I hope you find a decent therapist and a solution to your difficulties soon OP as I know how frustrating it can be.

I absolutely love presenting/public speaking - but it still scares the crap out of me. It's really a shame about your early experience - some early training I had stuck with me - people (unlike at school) are not looking or expecting you to fail, they will see you as someone with something to put across - that is all.

Good grief. I think you need to go back to that place in your head when you were only 11 and realise that two really bloody awful things happened to you back then that were not your fault - being shoved out, unprepared, in front of an audience; and having a little classmate with an agenda make up a load of crap to make you feel bad because there was something lacking in their life.

Lol, bigblue, it was supposed to say ??60/hour. Luckily I didn't pay the guy four figures to tell me "what's the worst that can happen?"

I know what you mean about panic attacks. I had a one on a tram once and I had to force myself back on for months before I felt better!

Hmm... I don't know why the pound sign turns into two question marks. Maybe it's only on my phone.

Liney, you're right of course. Unfortunately it doesn't help that I know this. I didn't even remember the incident until relatively recently.

I think it's very common to be anxious about public speaking. You don't need to access NHS metal health services tbh.

Unless a job will clearly expect public speaking I don't think there's a real need not to apply just in case.

Oh and IAPT would probably see you, depending on...well lots of things. Just because you know two people who sound like they fall between the primary and secondary care gap doesn't mean the hundreds of thousands who are treated by the NHS don't exist.