To think that this phobia means the end of my career?

[RoboticSealpup]

I've had this phobia since I was about eleven, when I was pushed out onto the stage to fill a gap in our school play. I hadn't prepared anything, but I think I might have told some jokes. The next day, I was told by a friend that the whole class felt that I had ruined the whole evening. Since then, I have something close to a panic attack when I am asked to speak in front of others in a formal setting.

At university I used beta blockers, as they lower my heart rate and that works OK, but only when I know in advance that I will have to speak. There are also some side effects, like a severe headache.

I'm looking for a new job now after maternity leave, and "oral communication skills" always comes up as a 'desirable' or 'essential' competency. I am starting to think that this is a shortcoming that's severe enough to render me almost useless to an employer. I feel like my career has ended before it's even begun.
I'm a social researcher, so not someone who needs to talk in public a lot, but even then you need to be 'excellent' at this according to practically all job adverts I've seen. I can't lie because I had to turn down a speaking event in my previous job as I was pregnant and couldn't take my medication. My old boss won't lie on my reference.

All "cures" I've seen advertised seem like scams. I once went to a hypnotist / cbt practitioner in Harley street who charged me ??60/ hour to tell me that my fear was irrational. Needless to say, I know this, but I still panic.

I feel so pathetic and like I'm letting my DH and DD down.

That's awful. You poor thing op. I was similar and used to physically shake so badly during presentations that I'd almost fall over. My company sent me on a presentation course that specifically dealt with anxiety. You had to visualise your anxiety as a physical gremlin then also had to think of a physical embodiment of the solution. I had a gremlin on my shoulder making me shake, then imagined will young (had a bit of a crush at the time) in a suit of armour physically holding me and stopping me from shaking. We had to work in threes to act the scenarios. I cannot begin to tell you how much it helped. I would take 2 minutes before every presentation to 'summon will young' and I never shook again. I know it sounds bonkers. Anyway the course was at the globe theatre but I'm sure there must be plenty of other similar ones round the country. Good luck.

Triumph of perseverance over good judgement ;)

This probably isn't a popular view but can't you look for a slightly different job even if it's at a slightly lower level? I can't see the point of making yourself do something that stresses you so much that it becomes upsetting. I'm a terrible public speaker (very clumsy and not articulate) and wouldn't dream of taking a job where it was a requirement. Why make life more difficult for yourself when many jobs don't need you to speak in public?

Argh, I wrote a reply that disappeared!

Mrs You're right. I sometimes try to visualize myself as someone who can. It actually makes me feel better. But I don't think it's enough by itself.

farewell that does indeed sound bonkers! Awesome that it worked!

lilets I can't do that, as I only went to uni at 27, so I'm already starting out quite junior in my thirties. I need to earn enough to pay childcare, and I want to put my education to good use. Thanks for saying that though, because it spurs me on! I'm actually good at presenting when I'm not nervous (I.e. on beta blockers) and I think I could enjoy it if I could just get over my stupid fears.

I think lilets has a point, actually. Does your job inevitably involve speaking in front of others? And how committed are you to your job? If you really hate it, there is something to be said for arranging you life so you don't have to do it.

Goes off to check guardian jobs website.

No, my job really doesn't involve a lot of this. But on occasion I could be asked to talk at a seminar about one of my reports.

And I really love all other aspects of the job.

Yes and it sounds as though you would like to be able to do it. It's horrible just knowing that you have a crippling fear of a particular thing that you might be called on to do; it closes off so many doors.

I certainly would not avoid applying for jobs because of it. As others have said, sometimes even if it is a genuine part of the job description, the specific task could be reshuffled off to colleagues if you have other particular strengths, which I'm sure you do.

I think you probably can get over it. I know people who swear by toastmasters. just keep trying different things. I have a different but slightly related phobia and I've tried things like CBT, hypnosis and EFT. Nothing has worked so far so I do sympathise; but I do think that if you keep chipping away at it eventually something will come together in your subconscious and that childhood trauma will lose its power.

In the meantime, don't let this ruin your whole self-confidence in your professional self. Focus on what you do well.

Thanks Yika. I am so glad I posted this question. I was a bit worried I wouldn't get any responses but I've had so many helpful answers and it's really helped me get some perspective on things.