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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have a problem with his relationship with his ex?

42 replies

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 12:43

Firstly, I think it's important to note that I am very pro people having positive relationships with their ex-partners where possible, especially when children are involved.
I've been with my partner for 3.5 years and it has been far from easy but we're happy and have a great life together. However, there is one issue I struggle to get over: his relationship with his ex-wife.
She is a very difficult woman and I had sympathy for this for the first few years (even after receiving streams of abuse from her, her hacking my emails, threatening me and physically attacking him etc) but now that sympathy is wearing thin. Her and I live in different countries which works well as it means we have very limited interaction but I have dealt with years of bullying by her, predominantly online or conveyed through him. I've never fought back because I don't want to make it worse but recently I made the decision that I was no longer going to let her control my behaviour or my happiness. In the past his children have defended me when she has attacked me which I find very saddening as they should not be put in this position and have actively told her that it is none of her business what their dad does in their personal life. She will explode at the smallest thing (most recent example being that he and I had been on holiday together which apparently was unacceptable). She stamps her feet and threatens all sorts, making very nasty comments to the kids about him and I. Whilst it's not pleasant by any means, I could deal with it if I felt he was on my side. He panders to her whims to a ridiculous extent and it drives me to distraction! When she's in a good mood or wants something from him, she will send endless messages trying to be all cutesy- at one point this escalated to sending a naked selfie!!! The bit that really upsets me is that when she's in one of these phases he does not see how inappropriate it is. Even when it's not so extreme as that example he cannot see that them speaking about non-child related topics on a daily basis is actually quite inappropriate and whilst I don't make a fuss it does upset me as she's just being manipulative. He goes back every weekend to see the children (which I fully support) but when he is there and she is with her boyfriend she has nothing to say to him but during the week (which is our time together) she is constantly in contact. Am I being unreasonable that it upsets me that he doesn't take my feelings into account or see that it is not appropriate to let her be so involved in our relationship (we are talking constant messages about how he should break up with me)? All I want is for him to realise that it's not ok and way outside the parameters of co-parenting and to be on my side when she abuses me.

OP posts:

Hellocampers · 09/09/2015 12:48

Of course you are not being unreasonable. She sounds awful and manipulative but seriously your real issue here is your dh.

He needs a bloody good talking to and to understand and respect your feelings.

This isn't good op is it? Did she leave him? Or he leave her? Not being nosy but that might be important iucwim.

OneDay103 · 09/09/2015 12:50

If after all the abuse she threw your way he can't defend you, then you will be doing yourself a huge Favour by cutting your losses. He's made her unacceptable behaviour part of your relationship. She will be in his life forever so means the same for you. Sorry he sounds like a wimp that won't change.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2015 12:51

Your problem is with him, not her

But I think you know that

Missrubyring · 09/09/2015 12:54

YANBU, and I do agree that she sounds awful and manipulative, however he could well be living with the fear that she may take the children away/ stop contact if he stops pandering to her/ stands up to her.

paulapompom · 09/09/2015 13:10

Yes to what anyfucker said. I get on well with my ex. And his wife (and their son for that matter) but if I sent him a naked selfie I would fully expect him to tell me that it was wholly inappropriate and that our contact should relate to the children.

We (ex, his wife, their son, our girls, wifes parents and my mum ) have even been on holiday together, which was brilliant for the children, but that kind of relationship is only possible if everyone respects everyone else and their 'role' iyswim.

You need him to step up and lay down some rules about contact.

Also not to derail but any do you work in an advisory role of some sort? I think you could/should, I like the way you get to the heart of the issue and don't waffle (I am a waffler)

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 13:19

Completely agree with everything you've said. As I said in my initial post, her abuse whilst upsetting would be bearable if I felt he stood up to her or at very least acknowledged that non-child chat is not ok. He says that by not responding he is keeping her calm but he can't see how it's so upsetting for me. How can I speak to him about it in a way he would understand (because like many men, he's not very good with emotions) !

OP posts:

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 13:22

@hellocampers - they separated about 7 years ago but prior to this she had an affair I believe. She has had numerous boyfriends over that time whereas I am the first person he's been with since.

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paulapompom · 09/09/2015 13:36

Hmm yes, he's thinking least said the better I suppose. But she might take it as encouragement, or at least as her actions being acceptable.

Could he put something in writing to her saying he wants to keep things amicable but they both have to accept that they have moved on and there have to be clear boundaries for everyone?

I can understand he dosent want to rile her, but he has to think of you (and himself ). Understand what pps say about access but if access has been consistent for years dh will have no reason to think she can stop it.

Horrible for you op. Does dh have family who have any kind of relationship with her? Or anyone whocould iintervene and tell her to sort herself out?

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 13:46

Thank you Paula.

Regarding your questions, I would really like something to be put in writing and the children were in the UK last week and even they acknowledge that she shouldn't be his problem. In terms of anyone to stop her, she is pandered to by everyone in her life and she drags them in by painting a horrible picture of me (hilariously, she once found a FB profile of a child (16/17) with the same name as me and tried to pass her off as me!). His family are completely uninvolved so no hope there. I am so understanding and deal with so much crap - I even was ok with them going away in the summer with the kids together - but there feels like there is little payback for my relaxedness and that hurts. He genuinely doesn't seem to see the problem and no matter how I try and explain it he just tells me I don't understand. I've let myself be bullied by her for too long and whilst I don't wish her any harm I really want her out of our lives when it's not concerning the children.

Sorry for being so wet, I just sat at my desk this morning and wanted to cry :(

OP posts:

Hellocampers · 09/09/2015 13:51

You are not wet at all op.

It's a ridiculous and nasty situation and your ds needs to sort it out. Have some

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 13:54

It's just so frustrating and isolating as I feel like we're not a team - I'm just on his side.

Thanks for the !!! :)

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2015 14:01

"In the past his children have defended me when she has attacked me which I find very saddening as they should not be put in this position and have actively told her that it is none of her business what their dad does in their personal life."
So what age are the children? I'm assuming quite old if they so things like that? And if he won't listen to you will he listen to them? He certainly can't tell them that they don't understand !

Otherwise, sorry, I would walk.

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 14:37

The children are 16 and 18. He doesn't confide in them (which I understand as they're his kids) but the 18 year old has told him not to fan the flames but also that he shouldn't care about her explosions as they will happen anyway.

OP posts:

morecoffeethanhuman · 09/09/2015 14:44

16 & 18!!? Why the hell is he even dealing with the ex then? They are both more than old enough to arrange contact between themselves.

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 15:09

I agree. But it's a much bigger issue than just contact. If that's all they were talking about then I'd be fine with that, it's all the other stuff. He fully supports her financially, which quite frankly is none of my business (I am financially independent) and I don't care but I cannot understand why the contact between the two of them is not limited to child matters and money and anything else is off the table!!!!

OP posts:

MissMoo22 · 09/09/2015 15:22

OP, wow, you are more patient and understanding than I would ever be. I would be having none of this shit. The kids are of an age where they can pick up the phone and arrange visits with their dad without needing the Mum to speak to Dad. And for your DP to be pandering to her still would send me over the edge. I would lay it on the table with your DP. If you are hoping to build a life with him then he needs to cut the apron strings to her and put you (as well as his children) first. If he can't/won't do that then is he someone you want to devote your time to? I'm not saying leave him, but make him know it's an option. You shouldn't play 2nd fiddle to any ex.

paulapompom · 09/09/2015 15:28

Oh OP, it's not wet at all, sounds likethings started off with dh, you and even the children have put up with a certain amount of selfishness and chilishness from her, probably thinking that as time passed after the split things woul settle down. Which is reasonable. But she is totally unreasonable and dh really needs to see that.

I wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Sorry that there are no family to intervene. On a positive not, that your stepchildren stick up for you when their mum is out of order is fantastic, a credit to your relationship with them.

Would you show your oh this thread? Might that help him see what you are going through x

paulapompom · 09/09/2015 15:31

Positive note - bloody phone x

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 15:42

Paulapompom

That's amazing
You should run courses teaching people how to do that.

SrAssumpta · 09/09/2015 15:45

Fuck that, I'd be gone!

paulapompom · 09/09/2015 15:56

Thank you Middle, but don't bow too much, it took a while (bloody years) to get to that point, and there were times I could cheerfully have told ex to f. Off.

Things got much better when he got married and had another dc. But then his wife is very nice and we get on (and gang up against his fuckwittery). Whereas the op is coping with a selfish, bizzare acting ex-wife and an oh who can't see it. Madness!

Courses you say....

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 16:01

Thanks you both!

I have tried to point that out, that the majority of people wouldn't put up with this (and to be honest I haven't even shared the majority of it) but it seems to make little difference. I don't think he's deliberately trying to be hurtful or dismissive of my feelings but he just doesn't understand or empathise (which in itself is infuriating!).

@PaulaPomPom - here's the awkward bit - I wish it was true that them defending me was a testament to me having a wonderful relationship with them, but it's not. As part of the issue, I've never met them or even conversed with them. This is a real struggle but I'm not going to force them to do something they don't want to do and because we live in different countries almost 4 years has gone past quickly without it really being an issue. The kids have met her boyfriends (which hurts now that I'm the only one left out) and dp finds the thought of me meeting them very difficult (not that that should be an excuse). The fact is, this whole thing is very strange to other people I'm sure! I would really like to meet them so they have a chance to feel more comfortable about me and so I can feel not left out but tbh I don't see that happening. When they come here I move out and disappear for a few days, not ideal but I'm used to it so it doesn't upset me anymore. In some way this all makes it more sad that they defend me as it shows how much they are opposed to her behaviour!

OP posts:

Original poster

Trickysitch123 · 09/09/2015 16:03

Totally agree with Middle about you running post break up courses :)

OP posts:

morecoffeethanhuman · 09/09/2015 16:12

He supports his x financially, he's not introduced to his kids, he doesn't defend you, he has cosy chats with ex, naked selfies......fuck to all that lovely! i don't think I could stay in a situation like that & doubt many people would tbh sounds here that he's overly supportive and aware to the feeling of his ex but not his partner really

fizzingmum · 09/09/2015 16:15

OP - are you part of his life or not? I feel so sad for your situation. He not only panders to the ex, but also the kids by having you move out when they come over. They are old enough to understand Dad has found a new relationship and accept it. You must get some self worth, you take care of yourself financially, move out on a whim so it must be classed as "his house", take abuse from his ExP, he holidays with his ex and they are 16 & 18 FFS. I don't want to sound too harsh, but what exactly do you get out of this relationship? Just because you have put up with this for the last 4 yrs, does not mean you should continue. Tell him you no longer want to play second fiddle to his ExP, you want to meet the kids and you are not a second class citizen in your own home. If he cant step up and respect you as a human being and his life partner, find someone who will. You seem like a lovely and reasonable person, but that can easily turn into being a doormat with the wrong person. Sending big hugs, be brave and stand up for yourself xx

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