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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am being unreasonable... (miscarriage related)

30 replies

chelle792 · 08/09/2015 17:55

Someone knock some sense into me please be gentle

Ten days ago I miscarried my baby at nearly 11 weeks.

Every time a post pops up on pregnancy to announce a BFP I just feel sad and want to scream and shout 'dont get too excited, it might not be viable'

Viable is an awful word. My baby wasn't viable. I was going to be 21 weeks pregnant at my wedding and was looking at maternity wedding dresses.

I'm so happy for people to hear they are pregnant but it just strikes fear into my heart. I would obviously never say it to anyone. I'm a kind person and would never say anything horrible to anyone.

AIBU??

OP posts:

QuestioningStuff · 08/09/2015 17:59

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is a perfectly normal reaction, and you know they're not reasonable thoughts. You've got to let yourself grieve. I hope you're being looked after?

When I had a miscarriage at the same stage I confided in someone who simply said 'well you've just got to understand it wasn't a viable pregnancy'. It's a ridiculous and hurtful term. It was a baby to you so you must allow yourself to grieve for that.

Take care of yourself OP

smellsofelderberries · 08/09/2015 17:59

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not BU to feel like that, you would BVU to say anything to your newly pregnant friends. Hope you have a fab wedding!

WorzelsCornyBrows · 08/09/2015 18:00

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Obviously you would BU to say that to someone, but you know that.

You're processing a huge number of different emotions right now, not least grief for what would have been. Don't beat yourself up for having some negative reactions, be kind to yourself

onecurrantbun1 · 08/09/2015 18:00

You are grieving. Nothing is unreasonable.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself as you process it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/09/2015 18:02

Don't worry that's a very common reaction
You're grieving now. It won't always feel this awful x

QforCucumber · 08/09/2015 18:03

You're not being unreasonable at all, after my mmc at 8 weeks I was shocked when I'd see people put pictures of positive tests on Facebook etc, I'd react exactly like you - obviously never saying anything out loud. It will be raw for a while, and even 2 years later I can't get excited for my own pregnancy or friends until I know they're at least halfway through but you learn to hide it and smile on the outside.

worriedmum100 · 08/09/2015 18:03

YANBU. I've been there several times and also suffered years of secondary infertility so know how every pregnancy announcement can feel like it's somehow directed AT you to make you feel even worse.

The only advice I can give is that the pain does recede with time and to avoid the pregnancy forum for now. You should find some support on the miscarriage threads. Look after yourself x

onthematleavecountdown · 08/09/2015 18:04

Not unreasonable. it's incredibly hard to see happy smiling faces and bfps everywhere when your hurting. I plastered my face with a false smile for 4 years trying to convince DS, I know your pain.

ghostyslovesheep · 08/09/2015 18:07

No sense knocking here - YANBU you are grieving and your feelings are valid and okay

it's so very hard but you will find a way to cope - eventually - be kind to yourself

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/09/2015 18:09

Of course you're not being unreasonable to think it, but do not say it.

I'm currently pregnant and not posting much about it on Facebook, but when I do mention it, I customise it so that the people who I know are having trouble conceiving or who have suffered miscarriages don't see it. Of course, there may well be others I don't know about. I hope they will simply hide me if they don't want to see my posts. You may wish to do the same.

katemiddletonsothermum · 08/09/2015 18:11

- Don't even think about trying to think sensibly at the moment. You had a future which included a baby. Now, suddenly, you don't. It's incredibly hard to deal with and will take time to get over. I've had 3 miscarriages and lost a twin. I think people who haven't had a miscarriage don't really understand the situation, nor how to deal with it.

So be kind to yourself. Treat yourself.

OneDay103 · 08/09/2015 18:11

Yanbu so sorry for your loss it's prefectly valid and understandable how you feel. Just take it one day at a time.

GreenPetal94 · 08/09/2015 18:31

I understand what you are saying. I had 2 miscarriages, one at 15 weeks and still struggle to be positive about anyone's 12 week scan. My 12 week scan had been fine and my 15 week miscarriage was one day after telling work :-(

I'd suggest to stay away from pregnancy related social media and try and enjoy preparing for your wedding. Treat yourself and be very gentle with yourself and you will gradually feel better.

crumblybiscuits · 08/09/2015 18:33

I lost my daughter in May at 16 weeks to a chromosonal disorder and whenever I see people announce before 12 weeks I want to scream that you don't know everything is okay yet. Flowers for you

Sighing · 08/09/2015 18:51

be good to yourself, let out the shouting and crying with those you're close to. I've had 3 previous m/c over the last 12 months (before 12 weeks). I am currently 15 weeks in. I am not reassured by any scan, nor being recatergorised as low risk.
The innocence and joy is definitely dented, if not AWOL. Some years ago I had two completely normal pregnancies. I am envious of that younger me who wondered about names and merrily decorated a nursery. I can't imagine getting that confident again.

Brummiegirl15 · 08/09/2015 19:16

I've had 3 mcs in a row and you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I'm so sorry for your loss, you are in the eye of the storm at the moment and grieving. Step back from social media as it will only upset you and look after yourself and do what you need to do

I'm so sorry

Flambola · 08/09/2015 19:20

Quite normal. I had a stillbirth and can't even get excited for anyone until there's a baby never mind scans etc!

I'm sorry for your loss.

RumbleMum · 08/09/2015 19:22

So sorry for your loss.

YANBU - after my DSis had several mcs, I still don't say congratulations to anyone before 12 weeks (which perhaps makes me seem a bit odd but it doesn't feel right somehow - instead I'll say something like 'I won't say congratulations just yet but I'm really pleased for you').

Getting a BFP never felt like a certain path to a baby for me, but some people do seem to view it like that which makes me worried for them.

JustMeOverHere · 08/09/2015 19:24

Sorry for your loss

It's still very raw for you so allow yourself time to grieve. Am thinking of you.

featherfingers · 08/09/2015 19:30

I miscarriaged two weeks ago, very early into the pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant then two days later I miscarriaged.

I have been going through all the emotions. There were no plans. Just shock. (unexpected pregnancy but by no means not wanted)

I really feel for you as I feel a fraud being so upset, with my pregnancy being supremely new, I am grieving for cells and I can't begin to understand how you must feel op.

LyndaNotLinda · 08/09/2015 19:32

YANBU - it's very hard not to be fatalistic about pregnancy after suffering a miscarriage.

I'm so sorry for your loss - be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need to heal

PuntasticUsername · 08/09/2015 19:33

I'm so sorry to hear that

Nothing wrong with stepping away from social media for a bit if being on it isn't helping you right now. I don't know your circumstances and maybe that'd be a terrible idea as you're getting vital support from it too, but just an idea. Take care of yourself.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/09/2015 20:36

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know how you feel - even 3 months after my mc it stings when I get other people's baby related news. Just don't act on it. Grit your teeth, talk to people IRL or on here if you need to vent. It does get easier.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/09/2015 20:49

I'm so sorry, I know how much it hurts suffer a mc, then have to listen to other people's happy news . I think my worst moment came a couple of weeks after I miscarriaged, someone put up on FB 'I'm pregnant!', only for them to be 'joking'. Not cross now though, obviously it was just a silly thing for them, and other who have genuine news sometimes cant wait to share it. It will get better, eventually. You will get through this, and better times will be ahead.

PacificDogwood · 08/09/2015 20:56

Nothing you're feeling just now is unreasonable - I am so sorry for your loss.

A lot of the language surrounding pregnancy and miscarriage is horrible, so YAcertainlyNBU about that.

Whenever you feel read and if you decide to try again, you may well feel scared and worried until your baby is born. Again, totally normal.
And yes, it is very hard to listen to other people's good news (although it helped me to be aware that I did not want anybody's else's baby, I wanted mine. And also that there is not limited pool of babies, by which I mean that the fact that somebody else is having a baby does not reduce my chances IYKWIM).
You do know that one miscarriage does not mean your chances of a normal healthy pregnancy are reduced, don't you?

Fwiw, I had 4 MCs and 4 DCs

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