Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU or is he?

35 replies

ExTrouble · 08/09/2015 16:27

Ex partner used to work the afternoon/evening shift so saw our DS one morning during the week and one day over the weekend. He has now got a new job working the day shift during the week and expects to have DS (8mo) all day Sat & all day Sun. I have said no. I am back at work and think I should have a day at the weekend with DS too. AIBU or is he? I have told him no and asked to discuss it, he walked off telling me to grow up!

OP posts:

NotTodaySatan · 08/09/2015 16:28

Alternate weekends like most other folk do?

ImperialBlether · 08/09/2015 16:30

No, he can't have him all weekend - that's just not fair. If you're both working in the week, why can't you have your son Friday night until Saturday 6pm, then he can have him Saturday 6pm until Sunday 6pm and swap each week? This would give each of you a night out and a day with your son. He could also have him for tea one or two nights a week.

OneDay103 · 08/09/2015 16:32

No yanbu, you definitely should have a day over the weekend with him as you are working full time. He can have more time during the week with your ds. He needs to grow up not you.

yorkshapudding · 08/09/2015 16:55

Imperial's suggestion sounds fair. I can see why he would be reluctant to do alternate weekends if he's used to having DS a couple of times a week but he can't possibly expect you to agree to never see your child at the weekend when you're at work all week!

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 08:46

Thanks for your replies, Imperial, DS does not yet stay over with exp but that's definitely an option for when he's older. I haven't heard anything this week so who knows what the weekend will bring.

I wish I could have a reasonable discussion with him but he only ever wants to communicate via text where it seems he feels he can say whatever he likes, no matter how rude or hurtful yet to my face he won't say boo!

OP posts:

reni2 · 09/09/2015 08:52

Just do one day per weekend then if he doesn't yet stay over and maybe a weekday evening instead of the morning he can no longer do? Discuss early on what will happen at Easter, Christmas etc, they can be a headache for blended families.

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 08:58

Reni - I am already dreading the Xmas discussion, DS birthday around that time too. I want to sit down and have a grown up conversation, he wants to discuss by text which always ends up in an argument. But of course, I need to grow up!

OP posts:

reni2 · 09/09/2015 09:09

Try texting two options you are happy with, eg: would you like to have ds on Christmas day and I get boxing day or do you prefer to have him both days in 2016 and I have both 2015 since he does not stay over yet?

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 09:48

One midweek and alternate weekends is the normal for NRP's. Can he not see him one night after work if he used to see him before work?

Shutthatdoor · 09/09/2015 09:50

Imperial's suggestion sounds fair. I can see why he would be reluctant to do alternate weekends if he's used to having DS a couple of times a week

I agree with this ^

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 09:58

Googoo - it is one option I wanted to suggest but he didn't give me chance! I have no idea where his new job is located/what time he finishes...he only mentioned that his hours had changed because I asked him what morning he wanted this week. I'm not sure when he was going to let me know that he couldn't do mornings anymore!

It's just a massive communication issue isn't it. Part of me feels like saying not my fault your situation has changed so you can't keep to the arrangements we've always had. DS is always exhausted when he gets home from nursery and is ready for bed at 6.30 so nights aren't really feasible, it wouldn't be quality time because DS is ratty and just wants me.

OP posts:

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 11:39

It's obviously not his fault that his hours have changed - it happens and obviously he can't just quit his job over it. If he's now starting earlier, is it not an option for him to collect him from nursery after work and have him until you get in from work, perhaps? (If you work, you didn't say).

If you don't, he could come after work and help with tea/bath/bed or even just take him to the park or softplay or out for tea for an hour or so.

Shift work is notorious for being incompatible with small DC, but there are options - he just needs to be more cooperative and flexible.

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 11:49

He's taken a new job with a different shift pattern they've not just changed his hours without him having a say. I'm back at work which is why I think he is BU to demand having DS all weekend. DS is only 8mo, teething, full of cold and an ear infection and very clingy with me at the moment, it just wouldn't be fair on him. Exp doesn't want to acknowledge that it is what is best for DS, not what is best for him.

Also when he walked off he said I was stopping him from seeing his son by saying no to his request. Well actually he shouted in the middle of the street after telling me to grow up. Funnily enough I had a text that evening from exp's dad saying they had fallen out and would I mind if he came to see DS at my house because exp has stopped him from seeing his DGC. It's all so hypocritical.

There's just so many issues here, I'd be typing forever if I started! I think I just needed to vent a little because the situation is so frustrating

OP posts:

Egosumquisum · 09/09/2015 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 11:55

EOW and one day midweek is pretty standard. The argument is each parent should get a full weekend with their DC.

I think it might be worth going to mediation and getting a contact order. It means he can't argue against it as much and it gives your DS continuity and stability.

Egosumquisum · 09/09/2015 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 12:00

Ego - not as far as I am aware - he hasn't said much about it at all.

Googoo - I have invited him to mediation and he refused to attend. I wish we could do that so all his silly games stop. DS may not understand what is going on at the moment but he soon will and I hate the thought of that. I just want him to be happy and settled.

OP posts:

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 12:03

It is more common, yes, but the standard arrangement isn't anywhere close to 50/50. There's also an argument that 50/50 isn't good for children as they need a primary home, not to have their life split between two houses.

Unfortunately, when a split happens, the NRP misses out. It's always been like that. With school, after-school activities and work, it's often not possible for the NRP to see their children during the week.

If a parent has always worked, say, 9-6 and not been home for bedtime, that's not going to change just because they're not with their partner. So often NRP's who work long hours with small DC can't see them after school during the week. NRP's with long commutes will also miss out, and so will those doing shift work/working nights etc.

It's not fair at all, but that's how it is for a lot of NRP's, unfortunately.

Egosumquisum · 09/09/2015 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googoodolly · 09/09/2015 12:16

But not everything can be solved with a good attitude.

People need to work to support themselves and not all jobs are flexible around children. If you work shifts, you can't just start early and leave early to collect your children. You have to work your hours.

Yes, some jobs are flexible but not all are, and I find it really frustrating when people say "oh, you just have the wrong attitude to it". There aren't loads of flexible jobs out there for parents to just walk into. If you work late at night or first thing, the reality is you won't be there for the school run or the bedtime routine unless you're lucky enough to be able to find a new job. No amount of good attitude can change that.

Egosumquisum · 09/09/2015 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 12:59

I suppose I'll just have to wait until weekend to see what his suggestions are. As he's asked for both days I'm assuming mid week is no good for him. See what the weekend brings and try not stress in the meantime. The thought of not being able to take DS out for the day at the weekend makes me so sad and not only that. it's the only time he gets to see my side of the family too, his grandparents, cousins etc.

OP posts:

Oldraver · 09/09/2015 13:19

Offer him Sunday and Monday...he still gets two days

Original poster

ExTrouble · 09/09/2015 13:39

Oldraver - His new job is Mon - Fri daytime shift I think!

OP posts:

CPtart · 09/09/2015 13:40

Tell him being grown up is about fairness and responsibility, and therefore which 3.5 days every week he would like his son.
(Sorry, not helpful.)

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread