To be so fat I've split my spanx?

[katemiddletonsothermum]

OK, so it's the end of summer and I might have put on a few pounds. Those Pimms are not calorie free you know.

So, I've been invited to a posh party with posh frocks and posh people and I dig out the old faithful dress which is now bulging in the wrong places. So, I go to buy some Spanx. But they don't have my size so I get a size smaller, thinking that they'll keep me in a bit more.

After a hefty struggle getting them on, there's a bit of a noise. And to my horror there's a split. In the crotch.

I can't decide if the split is supposed to be there or not. It looks like it's supposed to be a sort of comfort thing so you don't have to take off the darned things to go to the loo.

Or am I so fat I've wrecked the bloody things before I've even left the house in them?

I'm laughing. Sorry. Perhaps Kim Kardashian telling people she pees in her spanx made them install a wee hole?

Don't panic! That split's meant to be there. It's so you can wee if you enjoy contorting yourself not to get wee on your Spanx, or your dress, or yourself

I don't own any, but I have heard tell of an opening for er...convenience! Are you sure it's not meant to there?

Pimms is nearly calorie-free, surely? It's got orange and cucumber and mint and strawberries in it! FFS, add some spirulina and stick it in a Nutribullet and you've got a 'nourish and glow' smoothie. More or less.

It's not supposed to be there, I own loads of spanx and not one has a crotch hole. You got the wrong size, hence the split, I've done it myself , did you get actual spanx or just hold in underwear? They're supposed to shape you not pull you in as such so always get the right size, looks much better.

I've heard there's a pee hole!!

Phew, thank you! But Calondu, that is the most disgusting thing I've heard of. Is this why there's sometimes wee all over the loo seat because women are squatting down trying to wee without getting their spanx icky?

I feel a bit ill.

My Spanx have a wee hole! It's the one that goes from under your boobs to mid thigh. It is pretty hard to get on and off so I assume some people don't bother and just attempt to wee through the special hole. Personally I find that the Spanx shuts down effective functioning of all my internal organs and physical processes so I never need to wee when I'm wearing them anyway.

Um, yes, Rachelzoe - they are definitely spanx. I thought they'd turn me into Jennifer Lawrence but they haven't.

Is it hemmed or ripped at the edges??

Some Spanx do have a "pee hole" but not all of them. I think it's the ones which cover further up your body towards breastbone area as otherwise you basically have to undress in order to go to the loo. If your heard a noise it is possible you ripped them! However, I am going to assume that this is all tongue in cheek and that you would recognise the difference between a rip and a deliberate opening!

Hemmed. Which is why I'm confused. But I don't know whether it's a very good seam which has come apart or is actually supposed to be there.

Hmnnn.

Will be quiet for a couple of hours as I need to log off for a while - byeee.

Yes but they were too small, so of course they didn't work. I normally take a m, got a small and they split and I looked like a overstuffed sausage in my normal size they work wonders (I'm quite lumpy so need smoothing). You can't really complain about them if you got the wrong size, a bit like complaining about blisters on your feet from too small shoes.

I'm not complaining - I'm asking whether the hole is supposed to be there or did I put the hole there? Sounds a bit rude.

ie what I typed sounds a bit rude in a oooh matron kind of way.

Yep, my spanx have like a 'double gusset' or 'gusset flap' if you will, for this kind of thing. It's a feature! I've never used it because I just don't understand how it's meant to work and I'm terrified of getting wee all over myself.

But what was the noise you heard if it wasn't a rip? Was it like a balloon being deflated, maybe all the air was been squished out your fanjo.

I've got the under boob to mid thigh Spanx and they def have a wee hole/flap thing. Never used it though as I know I would just end up pissing all over the Spanx and my dress probably! I just try not to drink too much when wearing them instead

They have a wee hole. Don't use it. I speak from experience.

would it be inadvisable to buy spanx online?

Can you not use a she wee with them- you know a little funnel?

It seems very clever to use a crap flap in such tight underwear.

Mountaineering clothing have them, as last thing you want to do is bare all on the freezing cliff edge!
Of course wee is frozen before it hits the ground, so no chance of ikkyness, just yellow snow.

Home bargains have bra to knee Spanx for ??4.99 at the moment. My belly has never looked better. And they have the convenience hole...

If you have a wee hole Spanx why not take a funnel with you to direct the wee?

Are you lot going all Bridge Jones on me? Me? Take a funnel? In my handbag??

But thank you, yes - it's one of those up-to-the-boob-down-to-the-knees jobbies - although in my case there isn't much in it these days.

The noise was a sort of creaking noise, as in a "something's just given, and it isn't my knees" noise.

Well, I'm relieved (and also slightly disgusted) that the hole is supposed to be there.

Sweetie, wouldn't it be better to get a new frock, if you can afford it? Then you can eat and drink and make merry. Without indicative creaking.