Dealing with the sense of loss when my son left for his university

[suzy2015]

Hi,
I am new to Mumsnet and have joined to ask other mums about dealing with the immense sense of loss I feel, after dropping off my son at his Halls in University on Saturday.
Though I am proud of the fact that he got into his chosen career(Medicine), I am finding it very difficult to cope, since I returned to our empty home on Sunday.
I work full-time and thought that I would cope better but alas, not.
My tears don't stop and my heart feels so empty. The silence in the house is deafening. The lack of the hustle bustle in the morning is driving me crazy. Everything is reminding me of him but I don't want to keep calling him or letting him see my pain. Want him to be happy and make new friends. But I feel like crying all the the time, don't feel like talking to friends or watch TV.
Am I abnormal or over-reacting?
Does any one feels the same?

It's normal. My mother was really upset when I went away. I didn't realise at the time as her reaction was to get frustrated and slightly annoyed with me every time I came home at weekends. I know now it was because she was finding it difficult each time I left (she's not always great at expressing her emotions). I think only time helps.

Oh OP Our oldest will probably go in four years and I am already dreading it.

Far better though that it is you feeling sad rather than him ringing up unable to cope and you worrying how he will be when you have gone.

I think when we feel like this we are also grieving for own lives and realising our mortality.

Nail on the head, WhoAteMyToast - it's partly a mortality thing for me.

I'm also an older mum which firstly means I only have one child but also that I've already had 24 years of being a child-free adult, of doing whatever I liked whenvever I liked yada yada yada. And to be honest (you may not want to hear this) after a while it can get pretty boring.

floisme- It's partly because I was an older first time mother (39) that I am quite looking forward to my child free time again.

None of my life pre-kids was boring. Far from it.

Glad to hear it goblin
Places to see, people to meet!

This is what you've been bringing him up to do.
To leave home, be a successful, self sufficient adult.
You shouldn't be sad. It's the next chapter of both your lives.

My eldest child went a couple of weeks ago so you have my sympathy OP! I found I felt much better when I realized I was crying for myself, not for him. I'm so proud of him and he is loving Uni but I miss him and the role I had in his life.

Then, he called me as he needs to buy a $160 textbook and, "Oh Mum, could you perhaps come over at some point and bring me that pile of shirts I left" and I realized that, in his own way, he still needs me and I'm ok with that. Good luck!

I was in the same position last year, she is our only child too.
The day after she had left i remember sitting in her room crying wanting her back home with us.
As the year passed we adjusted to the house being quieter and tidier!
The tears are because you worry about them and how they will cope on their own etc, but as time passes you realise they are getting on with a new chapter in their life and i know that we are very proud of her and how well she deals with her new life.
We still get the odd panic text with things like "what does it mean when theres smoke belching out the oven?" etc but in general you do realise that they don't "need" you on a day to day basis and that is something to be proud of!

She has just moved into a new flat for her second year and although i felt sad at her leaving again, this year is very different from last, as in i know she's okay and can take care of herself and make friends etc.
Its a great feeling to watch this new chapter in their lives unfold!

"what does it mean when theres smoke belching out the oven?"

Did you text back - 'it means dinner's done, love'.

Or my friend's mum's culinary wisdom - 'when it's brown, it's done, when it's black, it's buggered!'

I thought of myself as strong, practical and logical, how wrong was I, I know it now!!!

You mean your not an unfeeling robot your actually human.

I am crying now, (slightly) reading this and mine are still in primary.

Let yourself cry and cry and cry, do it, allow yourself to do it.

Its a huge step, he will be different, may even meet his wife there, who knows, cry.

I hate it when people say people are OTT for reacting how they react. we cant help it.

Go with it.

Cry.

Then simply find things to look forward too, what can you do now he isn't there!

Welcome to MN suzy, and big congratulations to your DS for getting into medicine - it's no mean feat. You must have done something right along the way, so well done to you too!

I was in your shoes a year ago. I managed to remain composed until after we'd dropped DS off, then cried most of the way home in the car. Then cried off and on for the next few days.

It does get easier, as others have said, but a friend warned me that when they go back after the first Xmas hols is particularly hard - and she was right.

Keep busy, and he'll be home before you know it!

I'm in the same (ish) boat Suzy DD left for uni on Saturday and although it is what I want for her and I'm so happy and proud she is doing this I miss her so very much. When she has been away before I've known she would be back soon and that was fine but now I can't get the line "she will never live at home again" out of my head even though logically I know, for her, it would be best for her not to.

I too walked around with a big lump in my throat for a few weeks and couldn't go into ds' room. But one thought kept me feeling positive: how much worse would it have been if he hadn't Got his much wanted place at uni at the very far end of the UK? So I tried to be pleased and excited and after a while I really was.

Both sons now graduated. They've lived at home but now moved on and hand on heart I find it easier now they live away. Age and stage, I guess

Thank you everyone for your overwhelming response and support.
I feel better already. It is great to know that most parents feel the same way but different people deal with their emotions differently.
Crying helps me deal with my sense of loss.
Now I need to focus on the positives and try to see things in perspective.
I miss being a "mum" though!!!

My mum didn't blink when I left, in fact she couldn't push me out fast enough and promptly redid my room as an extra study - she's never been the sentimental type and although in her own way of course she "loves" me, she's a difficult person and we've never been close (whole other thread).

The reason I'm writing that is that it's weirdly nice (if that's the right word) that this has upset you so much. It means you love your son deeply and I'll bet you have a close relationship which means he won't vanish the way I kind of have from my mum's life.

Don't be overbearing about it, but equally don't be afraid to let him know you miss him sometimes!

My youngest is going on the 20th. I am absolutely dreading it. He has been my shadow since the day he was born. I am so proud of the man he has become, I am proud of the fact he is independent and am incredibly proud of the fact that when he was 11/12 he said he was going to be a nurse and he is going to do it. But it doesn't make it any easier.

DS1 joined the army (that was his dream) in July last year. I cried all the way from Hampshire to the East Midlands after we dropped him off. The news set me off, the table set for three set me off, when there was no laundry for him, songs on the radio. The house felt so wrong, so empty and so quiet, and he's not loud. He came back after 7 weeks for a weekend and I cried when he went back. We were out one day and I saw the type of vehicles he is working with and I cried for about an hour!

I've got things planned for the week after DS2 has gone, I wanted DH to have some time off work (I don't work as I'm disabled) but he can't. The house is going to be so big and so empty. It doesn't help that he's been home since June.

My DD, who is an only child, is 16, and I'm already dreading this. My BF recently told me that when her elder child (now 21) left for uni she was heartbroken - I hadn't realised at the time.

It's bound to be sad. But people do adjust, I'm sure of it. I think you just have to reshape your life, go out with your husband more, see friends, take up new interests. But I haven't got there yet, so I don't know - I'll let you know when I do!

My dd, the last of my 3 (2 older ds's) to leave home about 18 months ago, I sobbed, totally distraught, it really did feel like a death, being a single parent, it's now just me, myself and I.

I have had to get myself a social life and get over it, it is very hard and there are moments when it all comes back.

Parenting is the only job that when you are successful, you get made redundant!!

I started a new thread today about this and was kindly directed here...I feel exactly the same. Over reaction or not its very real and very hard to cope with. I understand it seems irrational - this is what we do as parents isnt it? Nuture our children in the hopes they will be able to become strong and independent later in life - but what Ive not done is prepare myself for that very moment!

I'm on day two. I dropped my son off on Sunday. He's only about 1/2 hour away from home, I work, and I have another son, but I feel like a body part was removed when I left him in his room. The sense if loss is so strong. Tears just randomly appear out of the blue and the slightest thing sets me off, especially people being nice to me!! It's such a struggle.

I have no huge fears for my son. He is strong, independent, confident, and a social butterfly. I sent him with everything he needed including lots of basics food wise. He's already been to two parties and two 'flat' parties, and he's already registered with a doctor. He's fine. And happy. And I'm extremely proud if him....but I miss him. So much that my chest hurts and typing this causes yet more tears. It is, without doubt, the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.

suzy2015 I could have written your messages! My story is so similar, its as though you have written what is happening to me! I guess its good to know that so many of us feel the same. I wonder how things are 6-8 weeks later? My son is having such a wonderful time, joined clubs, enjoys his course and has met many new friends. He hasn't been home and I'm not sure he is that keen! Before he left he didn't drink, wasn't keen on partying and studied really hard and was quite happy at home chatting with us and watching TV and I really thought he would be home occasionally. I think that now however, he has discovered late nights and partying and I now find that I can't help worrying that he will go 'off the rails'! I know I am probably being irrational and need to get on with my own life, but having him was what I enjoyed most!

Oh phew. Thank you for resurrecting this post! I'm sitting here sobbing as I miss my son so very much, was starting to wonder if I was losing the plot. Even with 2 other gorgeous DD still at home I feel like my heart is breaking every day, 6 weeks later it's a teeny bit easier but not a lot! I hope we will all feel better soon xxx