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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dealing with the sense of loss when my son left for his university

96 replies

suzy2015 · 08/09/2015 08:28

Hi,
I am new to Mumsnet and have joined to ask other mums about dealing with the immense sense of loss I feel, after dropping off my son at his Halls in University on Saturday.
Though I am proud of the fact that he got into his chosen career(Medicine), I am finding it very difficult to cope, since I returned to our empty home on Sunday.
I work full-time and thought that I would cope better but alas, not.
My tears don't stop and my heart feels so empty. The silence in the house is deafening. The lack of the hustle bustle in the morning is driving me crazy. Everything is reminding me of him but I don't want to keep calling him or letting him see my pain. Want him to be happy and make new friends. But I feel like crying all the the time, don't feel like talking to friends or watch TV.
Am I abnormal or over-reacting?
Does any one feels the same?

OP posts:
SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 08/09/2015 15:27

Well, Tinkly's post slightly finished me off, after the Bryson! Grin.

I find I'm OK when she's here, and we're being practical about banks and books and washing... but when she's out I start thinking This Time Next Week and feeling a bit choked. I've started a thread in HE about the day after drop-off, so as not to hijack this one, if anyone has any good plans I can steal!

Topseyt · 08/09/2015 15:36

Juggling, so sorry. Flowers

It certainly gives a different perspective. A child leaving home leaves a sense of loss and is very hard, but not in the same league as your family will have experienced.

At least they will be coming back, and they do. Oddly enough though, I was just totally unable to see it that way at the time. I can now, with the passage of time.

Dowser · 08/09/2015 15:47

When my children were still quite young round about teen age, I was on a course with a lady whose daughter and her family were going to Australia.

How that lady cried. Thankfully it was a counselling course and there was a lot of counsellors to help her cope with her grief.

She was distraught at losing her daughter and her grandchildren. I wasn't a grandma myself at the time but I've never forgotten her and sadly I don't know how the story ends. I secretly hope that the family had an amazing five years ,made a pile of money and then decided that Australian life wasn't for them after all and went back home and the lady and her husband had some unforgettable holidays in Oz.

Grief is horrible . It's up there intertwined with loneliness. If there's a duty to be paid on loving someone , then that's it.

Don't feel bad about letting go with the tears. Every one shed is a memory of every happy moment you have shared with your son and is testimony to the fact that you have such a loving caring relationship.

One thing for sure, our lives don't run straight. They take all manner of twists and turns, highs and lows. One day everything can be looking brilliant then the next door we can be floored by something seemingly trivial.

All things have their triggers. Little ( or big things ) that poke you when you are already down. Recognise them, acknowledge plan for them where you can so hopefully you can ride them out until the better times come around.

Dowser · 08/09/2015 15:56

Juggling so very sorry to hear that. The death of a young one especially when it's sudden is just harrowing and my heart goes out to all of you.

In many cases it can take several years before you can even say their name without feeling like you are going to break down in tears.

One year on is still a very raw period.

JellicleCat · 08/09/2015 16:02

Suzy I cried a lot when my DD (only child) went off to university two years ago even though I was glad for her that she was going. I missed her horribly. I got through the first week by being incredibly busy at work.

It does get better. She is going back next week and actually I am quite looking forward to her going and life returning to "normal".

SeamstressfromTreacleMineRoad · 08/09/2015 16:25

Suzy, I've done it twice and know just how you feel... It does get better Brew
Not yet, but when you feel a little less fraught, try to get hold of DVDs of two wonderful Jack Rosenthal plays called 'Eskimo Day' and 'Cold Enough for Snow' - he wrote them when his children were leaving for university, and they sum up magnificently just what it's like for parents. I've never forgotten them (but do have the tissues handy when you watch) Flowers

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/09/2015 16:36

Thanks Topseyt and Dowser, that's how it is exactly Thanks
After reading the Bill Bryson especially I felt I had to say how I was feeling
Kind of a yes, but ....
Very moving writing though

Silvercatowner · 08/09/2015 16:44

Oh it is AWFUL. I found it very difficult when my 2 went off to University. Now, my son lives Far Away and I waved him off on his very long haul flight last Saturday. The one thing keeping me going is my pride that I have parented him well enough to give him wings to fly the nest confidently. It is what should happen, and the alternative (hanging around the house aimlessly) doesn't bear thinking about. Occasionally I do with I'd not parented him quite so well and he weren't quite so securely attached, but those are bad thoughts!!!

Snoopadoop · 08/09/2015 17:47

Awww bless you OP. I have an only child, a DS. He's 5. I reckon I will be exactly the same. :(
You need to try and make yourself busy, take up some new activities, make yourself busy! :)

goblinhat · 08/09/2015 18:16

I must be a little odd then.

My son leaves for a Gap year before University- in 9 months he will be at the other side of the world.

I am already planning my days. So many work projects, gym plans, meeting with friends and groups.
I have felt the distance growing between us for years now and he matures into a young man. We have a brilliant relationship, but I remember how I felt when I left my mother- pretty relieved actually, and I know my son will trot off without a glance.

Perhaps when the time comes I will feel emotional, but I never did when they started school, I skipped down the road off to a yoga class.
It's a natural progression- I feel I have given 110% to motherhood, including being a SAHM and a working at home mother for all this time.

Much worse than he be still at home when he is 42.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/09/2015 19:03

Goblinhat - I was like you, when the boys started school - and I am somewhat surprised that I am not reacting similarly now. You are absolutely right when you say it would be far worse if our children weren't able to find jobs or university courses, and live independently - and I am proud that we've raise three young men who are doing well, and able to cope away from home.

I am trying to think of things to fill this new phase of life - and I am doing my best to see it as a good thing - but I am struggling. I know my history of depression is playing a part in this, and is making me more pessimistic than I want to be, and I am trying to do the things that I know help me deal with the depression. I'm just not doing very well right now.

Dowser · 08/09/2015 20:06

I know several jobless young men still hanging around the family homes. It's not nice or pretty.

I bet they are the tip of the iceberg too. All want to work but they just aren't the kind too sell themselves at interviews . They are good lads but none or on the career ladder. None have a college education. Some don't have qualifications . So take pride and comfort in your sons independence ecause I dread to think what the future holds for this young men.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 08/09/2015 20:09

I think you've put that very well SDT and good luck with responding to this new challenge.
BTW Is it just me that sees a "Gin" in your name?! Wine

MaddyinaPaddy · 08/09/2015 20:14

Oh this was me 2 years ago,I thought my heart would break! But honestly I got over it indecently quickly and actually they are home more than they are away!

johnwinstonlennon · 08/09/2015 20:15

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling down. just try to find comfort in your son's happiness and independence. mine is only 9 and he has such an active social life that I see him very little. I miss him a lot, but I know it's good for him be on his own.

goblinhat · 08/09/2015 20:22

SDTGisanevilwolegenius- sorry to here things are not great for you right now.

You of course though- I have yet to cross this bridge, and despite my feelings now, and how I felt when my kids started school I have no idea how I will really feel.

My sister emigrated when she was 17, I was 11. My mother fell into an abyss. She cried every day for years. I would come home from school to find her still in her night clothes, no dinner, breakfast stuff still in the sink, her face read and swollen from crying.
I felt that our family was fractured. Things never really improved.
My father had several major heart attacks which my mother described as a "broken heart"- he became quite ill and died a couple of years later.

I found it a very confusing time, and didn't really understand all of it.
Looking back I think my mother became depressed ( although had never been before that point nor since).
I was angry at my sister for what I thought she had done to my mother, I felt responsible that I wasn't enough on my own to make my mother want to carry on for. I was sad because I too missed my sister, and was very afraid because I knew my father was dying.
I remember it all as a very bleak time, the family felt broken and I knew it could never be fixed.

So now many years have passed and I can see that no-one did anything wrong actually, but although I rationalise things now through adult eyes, I know these emotions are still lurking around somewhere.

Also although my son is off next year I still have a younger daughter. And I will do everything in my power to show her that our family will encompass these changes and that life is certainly still going to be fun after his move.
I owe it to her- as an echo of my younger self- and in having determination to remain positive in order to nurture her, I hope I will also able to nurture my 11 year old self.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 08/09/2015 20:22

Suzy it does get better. I'm usually a tough person but I was taken unawares like you. It was as if my head could say all the sensible things it liked but my body wasn't listening. It was a quite physical loss. I couldn't go into his room for weeks because I could smell him but he wasn't there. It was like a physical pain. I'm not a cryer and tbh I'm quite looking forward to him fucking off back to uni next week (3rd year) but even remembering that awful feeling is making me cry now. It's so weird.
Big hugs for you (though that's absolutely not the MN waySmile)

Narp · 08/09/2015 20:26

I know you are not alone. My mum and dad were bereft for a while when I left for University (I am the second child). I know because I heard it in their voices when I called home (even though they hid it)

I can also imagine me feeling like that - my oldest is 15 and everything ahead is really exciting and I know I will be really proud when he goes - but...

And I have never been unduly emotional about other times in their lives. I think maybe it's the confluence of middle age and their own lives beginning, or something. It's a process I guess. You'll adapt

Haffdonga · 08/09/2015 20:54

And from another perspective, I was dreading ds leaving home for uni next week. He was so excited and can't wait to leave.

But now he's developed quite a serious illness and it suddenly looks like he might not be going this year after all. Suddenly I'm dreading him not going. Sad

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 08/09/2015 20:57

Flowers Haff.
Hope everything works out for your DS.

Haffdonga · 08/09/2015 21:17

Cheers Curtains

woodhill · 08/09/2015 21:22

No not at all, I'm going to be upset when my ds goes next year as he is my youngest. I didn't mind when dds went.

I'm sure it will get easier and without sounding clich??d, you'll move into a new phase of your life.

Floisme · 08/09/2015 22:25

I know exactly what you mean, op. My son will hopefully be going next year.
I will be terribly proud of him and I hope he has the time of his life (and does well too!). I would be worried if he didn't want to leave.

I have a friend whose child died so I know how very lucky we are. It doesn't stop me feeling very emotional just thinking about him going. It will be the end of a wonderful time of my life.

And to whoever suggested we get a hobby, I have plenty, thank you Hmm

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/09/2015 23:01

I heard from ds3 today. No injuries yet, apparently. I'm assuming this means that he's having fun!

Floisme · 09/09/2015 07:14

Snoopadoop my 'hobbies' snark wasn't directed at you by the way, it was an earlier poster.