to be absolutely bricking it?

[RockerMummy184]

I think deep down I know I am BU, I should be relieved more than anything, but I'm not and I'm looking for reassurance.

I've finally had the courage to be honest with my abusive husband and tell him to leave.

He's not exactly over the moon about it, but he has finally got the message that I'm deadly serious about not wanting him anywhere near our children or myself, and he's moving out.

I've tried to separate from him before and been persuaded by family, and him, to take him back (and then told I should be grateful he's come back to me, all the usual bullshit), which is why he's still here all these years later.

Last night was the final straw when he woke up our DS(2) while he was screaming at me and slamming things. I went to settle DS and he asked me why daddy was shouting and being a 'naughty boy'. It broke my heart that he realised what was going on. I realised at that point that he's probably still young enough that he's not been completely damaged by what his dad is doing, but if I leave it any longer he might not be so lucky. So I put my brave pants on, told him exactly what I felt like and told him he needs to go. It sunk in. He's going to the council today to see what they can do about getting him some accommodation ASAP.

Now, here's where I start to panic....I'm due to have twins in the next 3 weeks, meaning that by early October I'll have 3 children under 2.5! How the actual fuck am I going to cope?

The only family I have close by work full time, or are VERY elderly. I have no friends (I've been extremely isolated for the last few years thanks to H and have lost contact with all but one of my friends. She is currently travelling with no return date in sight).

There's also the financial implications. How will I afford all the rent/bills while I'm only on maternity pay? I'll be fine once I'm back at work (I have a FT job with a reasonable salary for the area I live in and a fantastic bonus structure), but it will mean I'll have to go back to work far sooner than I wanted to and I'll miss out on so much of my babies.

I have a routine midwife appointment on Wednesday so I'm going to ask if there's any extra help available for the first few weeks when the babies arrive but I'm not sure what kind of thing they could even offer!? As I need to budget as much as possible while I'm on reduced income I can't really afford to be paying for a live in nanny or anything like that.

What have I done?! I should have just let him stay till the babies were a few months old, just for practical reasons shouldn't I?
Please tell me it will be ok?

Sorry, that was longer and more rambling than I'd hoped it would be.

You know you did the right thing, I'm sure telling him to go was the hardest step. He should still contribute, at least financially anyway. You are doing what's best for your kids, you can definitely do this

It will be easier to cope without an abusive shouting man in the house, so don't worry about that. Some more knowledgable people will be along to talk about finances soon I'm sure. Well done. You have given your children the best start in life.

It will be ok! Well done on getting rid of an extra worry you don't need. You and the children will have a calmer, happier life without your ex.

The midwife might know of some twin groups you could go to - that will help form some friendships for you and the children.

She will also probably be able to help you sort out finances. It's going to be tough, but definitely do-able.

One thing that does concern me though is that your ex is hoping the council will find him accommodation. I very much doubt they'll be able to. Does he have a plan B in terms of where he might go to? Or will he stay with you 'until something comes up'?

Well done op. You have done the right thing.

Could you see of you would be eligible for tax credits now as a single parent with 3 dependants? You can do an online cheer thingy.

Contact TAMBA (twins & multiple birth association). I'm sure you can request assistance to help with the first few weeks with your twins; the organization should be able to point in the right direction.

contact TAMBA, they may be able to put you in touch with some mothers help, usually student nurses who help out with twins and multiples. They may be able to advise on ways to save money when you need two of everything too.

My Dsis had twins when her DS wad 18 months old and yes it was manic at times but she soon got into a routine and then was able to get out to groups etc and made a whole host of friends, I'm sure this will happen for you too.

you did the right thing OP, for you and for your babies

Ooops cross post qwerty

I'll look into the Tax Credits Dirty. Thank you.

chairmeoh I've explained to him that he needs to be gone ASAP. If he can't get the council to sort something out for him today he will have to go and stay with his mother (or with whoever he stays with every weekend when he goes out and doesn't come home).

Do you have Homestart in your area? They offer support and help to patents. Does ds go to nursery? If so grab sleep when he's there. You've done the right thing, the sooner he leaves the better, although I wouldn't rely on the council housing him. I wish you well

Don't worry about being lonely, or having lost friends. I think you might find that most friends are actually pretty forgiving when it comes to this thing and may come out of the woodwork and when they realise you've left him. Try setting up a social media presence and reaching out, what do you have to lose?

You might be entitled to tax credits if on maternity leave and have a check for other benefits.

You can definitely do this, its going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do and you will probably doubt yourself at some point every day but remember you can do it.

Keep in mind when things get difficult that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You're twins won't be waking in the night forever. You won't struggle financially forever. And you most definitely won't be alone forever. Its all just temporary and nessecery to get you where you want to be. That thought has got me through many a hard time in the past (I could have written your Op all except the multiple preg).

I truly wish you all the best.

I hadn't considered contacting TAMBA, thanks for that.

I've not heard of Homestart but I'll look into that today too! (I'm going to have a busy day! )

DS goes to a childminder whilem I'm at work so we've agreed he will still go a couple of days a week to a) make sure he keeps his place (otherwise I'd have to pay a retaining fee), b) give me a bit of a break, and c) allow him to still see his friends and socialise with the other children there, so that will give me chance to snooze.

Thankn you all for being so supportive.

Have you a nearby college that does childcare courses? You might find they have students who need experience.
Ask about a post-natal group as a way of meeting people.

And we'll done for putting your H in the right place. It must've taken some courage - remember that. You can do it!

of course you are worried, its a huge amount of stuff to be dealing with all at once. the key is to break it down into small chunks so the situation doesnt panic you.

you have 100% absolutely done the right thing. contact tax credits. contact the council as you will get a reduction on your council tax. ring up any one you owe money too and see if you can reduce payments for a while. consolidate debts if you can.

Well done Rocker you have done the absoloutely right thing!

Is there a Homestart in your area,any surestart childrens centers?They're usually brilliant for knowing where to find you help,helping out themselves.Another place is Gingerbread they help thousands of single parent familys every year.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

www.home-start.org.uk/

www.gov.uk/find-sure-start-childrens-centre

This link is for the sure start maternity grant,it's worth £500 and is available if it's your first child or your first multiple birth and you are on a specific benefit.
www.gov.uk/sure-start-maternity-grant/overview

I'd also tell your childminder what is happening. Personally I would happily help out a client in your situation, even if that was just being more flexible with times / days where possible. They also need to know to keep an extra eye on your little one.

I'm not sure what the sure start provision is like where you are but may be worth a call to them and ring your health visitor, they may have access to help.

Take your time, make a list of calls you need to make then a list of things you can sell if you need to.

Finally, for you.

Also any colleges in your area,quite a few of them now are usually on the look out for students that need hands on experience with young babies and children to help towards they're teaching for nursery studies ect.

Womens aid could be useful as well,they're be able to help you find out about support in your local area,with any legal bits you need help with,what you might be entitled to ect.

You mentioned your friend that's away travelling,is she a very close friend?I just wondered because if my bestfriend was going through the same as you are and I was travelling I'd be back within a day or 2 if she asked me.
Myself and my husband supported my BF when she was getting out of a abusive marriage.

Your HV may be able to put you in touch too. I had my twins 8 weeks ago and my HV was really good. She comes to me to weigh babies rather than me having to go to the clinic and told me about twin groups in the area. I know people frown at this, but could you give the eldest an iPad or something to play on whilst you deal with the twins? I sometimes have to do this with my 4yo if both babies need seeing to at the same time. Best of luck!

ARGH! HV!! that's just reminded me, the HV is coming today to introduce herself!

Thank you all! You're all being so helpful.

Good luck with the HV today,don't go and wear yourself out OP as long as your not living in squalor and I'm sure your not your HV won't take any notice.

Have a word with your HV as well they can be a wealth of knowledge,the HV I had for my first 4DC was amazing she'd been a midwife previously and had links with the local hospital,council,SS,and a few local schools.What she didn't know wasn't worth knowing.

It's good the HV is coming today. Tell her that you are as of know a LP and she can get the ball rolling about accessing some support.

Health Visitor has been round. I had a complete meltdown told her what was going on. She's coming back to see me next week with a plan for other support that I can be offered whilst I'm on my own with the babies for the first few weeks.

Thank you all for your advice.

Really pleased to hear that Rocker. This is the right thing for all of your children. It will be hard at first but in the long run much, much easier without him. You're very strong. Good luck!

Well done. It might seem difficult to ask for help and be honest but it will be worth it.

Definty get In touch with local colleges to see if any childcare students want some experience.