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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to celebrate- does this make me an arse?

40 replies

Arsenpfeffer · 05/09/2015 21:25

It's my birthday soon, and it's a big milestone. I'm not happy about it. I'm pissed off because it feels that it will change the box other people will put me in, and not in a good way. I realise IABU to give a shit what other people think, but anyway. I want to deal with it by just letting it pass without any fuss. I've said this to friends who have asked how I'm celebrating, and they've been nice and understanding and let it drop. But my DH seems to be massively put out by this. He has gone off in, frankly, a big baby sulk because he said my PIL want to spoil me, and I'm BU not to go along with it. And that his friends think it's just a number, and who cares. My response to that was, jolly good, if they still feel that way when they actually hit this milestone themselves, I'll be pleased for them, doesn't change how I feel now. Which apparently is me "belittling their feelings". So I'm turning to the MN jury- who IBU?

OP posts:
letmehaveyoursoul · 05/09/2015 21:30

Getting older is a privilege. However, it's your choice, if you don't want to celebrate no one should be trying to force you to.

OneDay103 · 05/09/2015 21:31

Your dh is being ur. How you want to spend it is entirely your choice.

RaspberryOverload · 05/09/2015 21:34

Point out your DH is belittling your feelings by trying to insist on celebrating when you don't want to.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/09/2015 21:37

Guess based on your username - is your dh German?

Misnomer · 05/09/2015 21:40

You're not being unreasonable. It's your birthday. It is unresonable for your DH to expect you to conform to his expectations because he friends think that's the right way to deal with it. Can his parents not spoil you in a way that you would feel comfortable with?

StormCoat · 05/09/2015 21:45

Well, while I think it's ridiculous that you are depressed by the approach of, presumably, 40 or 50 or 60, you are not in the least unreasonable to want to mark your birthday or not as you see fit. I'm not remotely birthdayish myself, and can't honestly remember when I last had a party.

Prelude · 05/09/2015 21:45

YANBU.

I once tried to drink the cocktail alphabet (not recommended) because I was annoyed about turning 25, idiot that I was.

You are an adult and it is your decision.

Floralnomad · 05/09/2015 21:46

Perhaps your DH has already organised the celebrations prior to you making your declaration of not wanting to celebrate ,in which case he probably wants to convince you YABU . Quite honestly ,it is just a number and it is a bit pathetic to say you won't celebrate your birthday unless you have never celebrated any other birthday .

GrannyNinja · 05/09/2015 21:48

I was fifty recently and said I didn't want a fuss.
So my DH got me a box of chocolates.
It wasn't quite what I meant. A meal out would have been nice.
Be careful what you wish for! Sad

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 05/09/2015 21:49

It's up to you of course but just think that in 10 yrs time, you might look back and think that you were young and should've celebrated.

Grow old or die young. I know what I'd rather celebrate.

Original poster
Arsenpfeffer · 05/09/2015 21:55

Haha, no he isn't German- it's just a random name change. Honestly, I can't think of a form of spoiling that wouldn't make me squirm. I hate being the centre of attention, however kindly meant it is. Usually on my birthday the two of us just go out for dinner, which is lovely, and what I want to do this year as well. But DH's family are very big on "doing things properly".

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 05/09/2015 22:16

Would your DH be alright with guilting you into doing something he knows you won't like?

Does he think you'll go along with him just to stop him sulking or is it more of a punishment sulk?

It's not kindly meant when the person it's supposed to be for has specifically said they're not up for it.

'And that his friends think it's just a number, and who cares'

So if it's just a number and nobody else cares why is it such a big deal to him?

AtrociousCircumstance · 05/09/2015 22:16

Well it's not their decision to make. I'm with you, stick to your guns.

Morganly · 05/09/2015 22:19

Your birthday, your choice.

He is definitely being unreasonable in expecting you to celebrate your birthday in the manner that he and his family enjoy but you don't. He is also being unreasonable about the belittling other people's feelings comment. Your birthday, your feelings take precedent. And the sulking is beyond unreasonable. Selfish and totally lacking in any regard for your feelings or desires.

You are being a bit unreasonable in caring about the age "box" thing. A bit precious diva to think that people actually think about you that much. If you just shut up about that and say you don't enjoy whatever it is they have in mind, he might stop dismissing your feelings.

I hate parties but love going on holidays or weekends away so that's how I celebrate all my big birthdays. If dinner out is what you really want to do, that's your choice, but if your H wants to give you a bigger treat, would you enjoy a weekend away? Perhaps the in laws could babysit and that could be their way of spoiling you.

Karoleann · 05/09/2015 22:25

It's completely up to you.

However, I managed to eek my 40th out several months comprising holiday, nice meal out, night out with friends and then big party. It's just an excuse to be spoilt, see friends and drink lots of champagne.
I haven't noticed anyone treating me differently so far.

annandale · 05/09/2015 22:34

It is your choice and if my mother insisted on throwing a party for dh I would have to tell her not to as it woudl make him ill with stress. Luckily the only person who hates parties more than dh is my mum.

However, can't you channel their celebratory instincts another way? Rather than saying 'I will let it pass without any fuss' tell dh that you are willing to receive any number of shiny presents or vouchers for nights at the George V in Paris.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/09/2015 22:56

Nope, not U. I haven't really celebrated my birthday for about 5 years, purely because I don't like to be reminded. My brother feels the same. Honestly, I think it was a relief for my family because it was one less thing to be celebrated, but then again we have 4 family birthdays in the run up to Thanksgiving and Christmas. As it stands, DH and I will usually go out for lunch or dinner and I may buy myself a little trinket, all without mentioning my birthday.

If I had my way, what I'd really like to do for my birthday is get a lovely hotel room by myself with a view of a lake or the sea. Take a stack of books and magazines, some lovely wine and a plate of fruit, cheese, and chocolates and just lay in the bed or on the balcony on a chaise reading and stuffing my face.

Want to join me? I promise not to mention your birthday if you won't mention mine. Grin

amazonqueen · 05/09/2015 23:06

I can see what ypu mean by not wanting to celebrate and thats your choice to make.

But - you do realise that whether you celebrate with family and friends or not doesnt change the fact that you have had a milestone birthday and you are now a whole year ( decade?) older.

So everyone who knows you will also know how old you are. You might as well go along with whatever they have planned for you. It doesnt change who you are in their minds.It really is only a number

Wishing you a happy birthday whatever you decide.

Original poster
Arsenpfeffer · 05/09/2015 23:10

That sounds idyllic, AcrossthePond Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Arsenpfeffer · 05/09/2015 23:14

You're right of course, Amazonqueen. I just want to ease myself into it! It will sting less when it was actually three months ago. I'm just kind of irritated that what ought to be my choice is going to turn into me putting their feelings first. But thank you for the birthday wishes!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 05/09/2015 23:25

Completely up to you if you don't want a party or big thing to mark it, but that surely doesn't mean you can't let your PiL spoil you if they want to?
I'd be more than happy for anybody to treat me to a lovely meal out or afternoon tea with them or whatever you prefer. You can surely just enjoy that as a nice way to spend time, without making a thing about a birthday cake?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 05/09/2015 23:31

Ynbu to give a shit what people think. We all do, anyone that says they don't is lying.
I'm 40 soon and don't want a big fuss.

SenecaFalls · 05/09/2015 23:40

I think it's really quite sad to dread a milestone birthday so much, but I agree that it's your choice and it should be respected.

maddening · 05/09/2015 23:48

Could you say you don't want a party but a nice meal with you and his parents only in an extremely posh restaurant would be nice - that way they feel they've marked it appropriately but you get no fuss - yes it's your birthday but possibly this would appease them without too much fuss which you want to avoid - and a posh,expensive restaurant would prohibit any wishes to make it a larger group iyswim.

BackforGood · 05/09/2015 23:58

My take is, for those who think it matters that they are a year older, or 'in the next decade' or whatever, that's going to happen anyway, so why not enjoy all the nice side of having a birthday ? Doesn't have to be a party if you are not a birthday person, but whatever would be a treat for you - meal, spa day, weekend away, theatre trip, whatever ? Not accepting people wanting to spoil you isn't going to stop you being a year older