I don't want to celebrate- does this make me an arse?

[Arsenpfeffer]

It's my birthday soon, and it's a big milestone. I'm not happy about it. I'm pissed off because it feels that it will change the box other people will put me in, and not in a good way. I realise IABU to give a shit what other people think, but anyway. I want to deal with it by just letting it pass without any fuss. I've said this to friends who have asked how I'm celebrating, and they've been nice and understanding and let it drop. But my DH seems to be massively put out by this. He has gone off in, frankly, a big baby sulk because he said my PIL want to spoil me, and I'm BU not to go along with it. And that his friends think it's just a number, and who cares. My response to that was, jolly good, if they still feel that way when they actually hit this milestone themselves, I'll be pleased for them, doesn't change how I feel now. Which apparently is me "belittling their feelings". So I'm turning to the MN jury- who IBU?

I get what you mean. I will be 50 next August.

I've never been a party animal, they are my idea of hell on earth. I might like a long weekend away, just with DH. Otherwise, a meal out in a nice restaurant would also be just the ticket.

Your DH is being petulant and that is never pretty. Have you mentioned to him the sort of things you might be prepared to do, not just what you wouldn't?

Of course, he should have been asking you that question from the outset, only he didn't. It might not be too late though.

I asked if he was German because his behaviour sounds quite German - for Germans birthdays, especially milestone ones, have virtually obsession-inducing cultural significance and it's considered very socially important for the birthday person to celebrate (which usually means, at the least, hosting coffee and cake and a BBQ/buffet evening meal and bringing cake etc to work). This to the extent that the German word for 'birthday party' is just 'birthday' (i.e. 'who are you inviting to your birthday?').

My dh (although he is German!) is a complete and utter birthday-hater where his own birthday is concerned - goes along happily enough with the importance of it for other people (although it took him a while to get him into the habit with me ) but has always hated celebrating his own. He even hates getting gifts and will ask for the most unbirthdayish things if someone insists - one year he made me get him new kitchen bins He had a milestone birthday this year and tbh I would have loved to celebrate for/with him - invite some friends to dinner at the very least - but he didn't want that, she he didn't get it. His birthday, his choice. I did get him a gift - a first edition of a book from his field of interest - which went down very well.

I think I'm entirely on the YANBU side here, though I don't doubt your ILs mean well. I would have been U if I had ignored dh's feelings and invited people round/out. This reminds me a bit of the threads that sometimes crop up here about weddings - people who don't want a big wedding because they hate the whole idea of 'the day'/being the centre of attention get told not to let themselves be guilted by family/ILs and to arrange the day how they want it. I don't see why the same shouldn't go for a big birthday.

Ahem!! If you don't mark the day, you are NOT any older. This is an absolute fact. It all has to do with Einstein's Theory of Relativity, the Time-Space Continuum, and Harmonic Convergence.

I actually started counting backwards at 45 and am now younger than my oldest son.

YANBU. As long as you mean it.

The problem is, in the vast majority of cases where people claim this, they actually do care. So they spend ages saying they don't want to do anything, but when people actually don't do anything they get all fucked off with a face on about it.

I had a party when I hit the big 4 0.

I wish I hadn't. EVERYONE came (which was lovely, and I was warmed by how many people bothered to come), but I couldn't spend time with them all. I had a friend with a new baby, so I spent time with her, because I knew they'd leave as soon as new baby had had enough. New baby was up til 1/2 10 that night, and several people left before they did.

If I make it to 50, what I'll do is have several SMALL events and spend time with EVERYONE I love.

Hmm. If you are stropping around demanding that no one even mention it's your birthday then you need to get over yourself. If you normally enjoy having dinner with your H on your birthday then would it be totally awful to have your PIL along as well especially if they want to pay to take you somewhere v posh.
Or is it that your PIL want to throw you a great big noisy party and you don't like that sort of celebration?

Not wanting to celebrate does not make you an ass, (sorry, where I live we say "ass" and I feel like a poser if I use the term arse) but it might be healthier for you in the long-term if you can learn to address your hard feelings about these milestone birthdays. That way you can enjoy them with people who love you and want to celebrate your birth!

YANBU. A party being foisted on someone is all about the party throwers own need for a bit of glory.
As for the suggestion you just somehow do what they want then maybe they'll start paying attention to your feelings? Huh? So just say yes to everything you don't want whilst expressing your dissatisfaction.
If a birthday party / fuss isn't your thing those who know you (friends) are hardly going to pick that day to force you into being uncomfortable.
Why not plan something for yourself? Nothing big. But be clear you have plans.

If you don't want to celebrate you shouldn't have to.

However, my perspective on ageing has changed. When I lost my ex husband at age 39 it made me realise what a privilege it is to still be here. I'm not exactly looking forward to very old age where I'm likely to end up in bad health but as long as I am pretty much fit and well and have all my faculties then I think it beats the alternative so I no longer see it as a negative thing, but something to celebrate.

However, you feel differently and DH should respect your wishes so YANBU.

I felt the same about my last Big Birthday so yanbu

But hey, your birthday will happen whether you mark it or not so you may as well celebrate it

Thanks everyone. Nice to know I'm not being completely ridiculous, and some good ideas. The expensive restaurant sadly wouldn't work- it would be out of the PILs' budget and comfort zone, but they wouldn't admit that and would insist on paying, and I'd feel awful. Afternoon tea is a possibility though.

It's funny, the mid-life crisis has really crept up out of nowhere. I'm totally happy with the choices I've made and where my life is as a result, but there's always that little voice saying I could/should have done more/different/better/faster.

Totally NBU. I HATED turning 40....unlike apparently all of my friends who had massive, slap up (v expensive) parties/away weekends etc. I was tired, in a new job, had an ill dm, about to move house and just didn't feel like celebrating getting older!! In the end I had a take-away curry with two of the closest friends and their DH's. Having said all of that that, my DH couldn't have given a toss and didn't celebrate his as he was knee deep in 18 hour a day work days. Do what you want to do.

I hate birthdays too. I'll be 30 this year and plan to totally ignore it. I haven't had so much as a night out for my birthday for a few years now, and I prefer it that way. The one thing we are doing is a weekend away with my parents and my siblings and their partners, but it's a few weeks later and I've got a baby so expect the attention will be on him rather than me

I loved turning 40 im sure 50 i will feel the same i didnt have a party just dinner out but i got nice gifts I loved day after 40th i felt all grown up

It's your birthday, so its your choice. You are not being an arse at all.