To think it's unfair to expect one DC to take responsibility for another?

[Fluffy24]

I see a fair number of threads asking about 'are my DC old enough to...'

There then often follows an explanation of the ages of both DC and either the OP or others suggesting that because DC1 is xx years old it's ok.

Is it only me (who was an elder DC by about 5 years) who thinks this is really unfair on the older child (who, on their own may well be able to do whatever it is) because of the responsibility it places on them, often when they don't have the necessary authority to support it?

My view is that if both children are old enough (or whatever measure of suitability for the task is appropriate) then it's fine, but if one child wouldn't be deemed suitable to do something without the other sibling then it's not on.

AIBU?

Why can't older siblings have authority over younger ones?

But I wouldn't expect an eldest child to have regular responsibility over the younger ones.

I looked after my younger sister totally from the age of 12 when my Mother was widowed. It was a shit time for my Mum but also a shit time for me as my childhood stopped completely as I was suddenly responsible for after school care of little sis, cooking dinner and doing most of the shopping and cleaning.

Depending on how mature/ sensible the children are and how well they get on with each other then I think it can be okay from time to time.

I don't think parents should rely on their older children for regular childcare though. It's not fair on the child if they have to babysit every weekend so never get to hang out with their friends, or after school every day so they can't join the school choir or football team or whatever.

Thankfully I hated socialising (still do) :) My best friends are still my sisters. Funny how it works out.

I get what you mean and I think yanbu.

However I get dd to watch her younger dbs when they're in the garden and I'm inside cooking or doing housework or when they're in the living room and I'm in the kitchen or another room and busy and by watch them I mean keep an eye and shout of me or get me if they misbehave.

I wouldn't leave my dd in an uncomfortable position in watching them unless it was an emergency and I had no choice.

I'm the parent the dc are my responsibility.

YANBU

When dc1 was about 4yo and dc2 was 2yo, dc1 came to find me because he thought dc2 was doing something dangerous (and he was! he really could have killed himself). However that was dc1 being responsible for dc2. It was him looking out for his db.

In the same way, going out together means that they get support from each other. Obvioulsy dc1 will be mmjore able to help dc2 than the other way aroound but I'm not expecting dc1 to look after dc2. To start with, there is an issue of authority (dc1 having some authority over dc2 and dc2 accepting it so he would do what dc1 told him... that would neer happen anyway). Then there is an issue of responsibility, ie giving to dc1 the responsibility to keep dc2 safe when he has no authority... Again not possible.

If you have dcs that have a big age gap (let's 6~7years), I think it's easy to think 'Oh dc1 will look after dc2'.
The way I look at it is that i would NOt give any responsibility like this if I wasn't happy to give it to any other teenager/child.
Would I give that responsibility to 'look after the baby' to any other 9yo? Probably not therefore I wouldn't ask my dc to do it.
Would I be hapy to let a 14yo babysitting my toddler/young child?
Being a sibling doesn't make them more able to do the task (such as babysitting, cooking, calming an upset child etc...).

I do agree that the older child willingly helping IS a very different situation and that it should be encouraged.

Dd1 loves looking after ds who is 6 years younger. She's quite happy to look after dd2, 3 years younger.
She'll volunteer to, and it has given her a lovely relationship with them, they look up to her and trust her to help.

As long as you balance responsibilities with rewards. So she will also get trusted to do things, or get things the others don't have because she is older.
I wouldn't blame her for one of them doing something silly though unless she'd been encouraging them, which she wouldn't.

As the eldest of 6 I lost most of my childhood because I had to always look after the younger children. Its one thing to look out for or help each other but its quite a different one to be deemed responsible for them. I was always getting into trouble because I 'let' them do things - fall over, bump heads, break something etc - I was 9 when the youngest was born!!!

I only left my two alone together when they were old enough to be responsible for themselves. If I went out I either took the youngest with me or got a babysitter - I would never give the oldest responsibility of the youngest.

Of course he played with him and kept him occupied for short periods if I was cooking dinner for instance, helped bath him and change him because he wanted to - but doing that with a grown up around is not the same as them doing things without an adult.