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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's unfair to expect one DC to take responsibility for another?

58 replies

Fluffy24 · 05/09/2015 15:28

I see a fair number of threads asking about 'are my DC old enough to...'

There then often follows an explanation of the ages of both DC and either the OP or others suggesting that because DC1 is xx years old it's ok.

Is it only me (who was an elder DC by about 5 years) who thinks this is really unfair on the older child (who, on their own may well be able to do whatever it is) because of the responsibility it places on them, often when they don't have the necessary authority to support it?

My view is that if both children are old enough (or whatever measure of suitability for the task is appropriate) then it's fine, but if one child wouldn't be deemed suitable to do something without the other sibling then it's not on.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 17:16

I agree it depends on personalities of the dcs.

There is a very large age gap between me and my half siblings (my dad's kids with his wife) They live abroad and when we went to stay with him, he and his wife would both swan out and leave me to look after the because I was the eldest. He would use the line 'THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS/ SISTER!!' I had such a miserable time on those 'holidays' and I remember thinking that it was their stupid decision to have the kids, now I'm left with them, I couldn't do anything without having to drag those kids around with me and it ended up almost ruining my relationship with my siblings.

I would never expect my older dc to look after the younger ones as a matter of duty.

MrsMummyPig · 05/09/2015 17:29

There was a girl I was at school with who always had to look after her little brother in the school holidays. We were teenage girls and he was around six years younger. She missed out on a lot as we all used to deliberately exclude her from our plans to avoid having him around too. Seems a bit mean looking back but he was a horror.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/09/2015 17:34

Am on the fence about this. I do let my two (10 and very nearly 8) do stuff together that I wouldn't yet be happy letting the younger one do alone - stay at home alone for half an hour while I pop out, for example, or go down the road to the shop. But I don't think of the elder as being 'responsible' for the younger one (and I would never ever blame the elder if something went wrong) - it's more a case of feeling there is safety in numbers iyswim.

I am soon to have another baby and I will definitely not be making the older two responsible for her in any shape or form until they are well into teen years, and only then on a basis where there's something in it for them (e.g. I might pay them to babysit).

HeteronormativeHaybales · 05/09/2015 17:39

I do think that children should have responsibilities in the home, btw - tidying up, unloading the dishwasher, helping with cooking in an age-appropriate way etc - and I doubt I'll have a problem with asking my older two to (say) hold their sister for a moment while I quickly do something else - but I don't feel comfortable with burdening responsibility on a child purely by accident of birth order. (Anyway, in many ways my dc2 is more focused and responsible than my dc1...).

insanityscatching · 05/09/2015 18:51

YANBU I'm the eldest of a group of four and hated having to keep an eye on/help with/ entertain/look after my younger siblings and so I never asked mine to do the same. Now my first four are adults one or the other of them voluntarily takes youngest dd out, treats her, minds her without my asking.My friend thinks it strange though that none of mine have ever changed a nappy, bathed, washed or dressed a younger sibling and I paid for a babysitter rather than limiting my oldest two's social life and free time.

MuddlingMackem · 05/09/2015 18:55

YANBU to think it's unfair, because it is. But it's just a natural part of give and take in a family (and on another thread was my justification for the eldest getting the biggest bedroom when possible ).

As the eldest of two by three years, my problem was that I felt I was given responsibility without any authority, which seems to be recurring gripe from reading other posts on this thread.

There is a three year gap between my two and, on the occasions where I let them do stuff because the eldest can take some responsibility for the younger, I always stipulate to DC2 that she needs to do what her brother tells her. However, he's a stickler for rules and he's not the type to boss her around and deliberately antagonise her, which I think is fortunate as it means she's pleased to get to do stuff rather than griping about her brother being in charge.

Bloodywellhowmuch · 05/09/2015 19:15

YABU - as the eldest of 2 (by 3 year) I was always expected to look after my DB, my mum was in and out of hospital and dad worked away, it was either that or go to my DGP house and I didn't want to, I was cooking, cleaning and looking after him from the age of 10 on a very regular basis (and mum too).

My dad even blamed me for my DB not being bright as I hadn't taught him the things I had been taught (didn't know that was my responsibility) from school and home.

I was always very protective over my DB and I considered him 'mine', he unfortunately passed away when he was 19 and I felt as if my heart was ripped out and never really got over it (still cry about it now).

I used to look back and hate that I was a carer from a young age for my DB and I didn't have a choice about it and that it has shaped my nature now and I won't put myself before anyone else ever. Something I would never pass onto my children.

Original poster

Fluffy24 · 05/09/2015 19:23

Rainbowflutterby

OP posts:

TheRealAmyLee · 05/09/2015 19:34

My kids have age appropriate responsibilities. Looking after each other is not one of them. Sometimes I ask them to watch out for each other (like the eldest helping the younger one climb a climbing frame for example. I can't get up that thing!) but I am always there as well. I don't ever give them sole responsibility for each other and I would never blame the eldest if the younger DC fell whilst they were playing together (unless they shoved them or something, then we would be having words)

In a couple of years I will probably let the 2 older ones do things together on their own as the middle one is more sensible than the older one They will be old enough to both fend for themselves though as close in age so not quite the same imo.

I would NOT give the older 2 responsibility for the younger one unless absolutely unavoidable.

TimeToMuskUp · 05/09/2015 19:40

There's just over a 5 year age gap between mine and I've never put DS1 in charge of DS2 because firstly, I chose to become a parent where DS1 has had no choice in the matter and, secondly, they are wallies. I love them to the ends of the earth but together they are silly and make ridiculous, childish choices (presumably because they are children).

I can see that some children might cope with that situation and might enjoy mothering their siblings. Mine aren't like that. They squabble and fight pretty much constantly; I couldn't leave them alone together for fear of one of them murdering the other. It's a huge amount of pressure to apply to a child with no experience and no real idea what parenting is.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 05/09/2015 19:50

YANBU, it's very unfair on older children. They don't get to choose if siblings are born and I've seen many lose their childhoods through being expected to provide care and pick up a lot around the household as the parents don't want to do it.

Children can be taught to be responsible without being baby sitters or cleaning the house.

Bulbasaur · 05/09/2015 20:00

As long as you aren't using your oldest child as an on call babysitter or child care worker to suit your needs while ignoring their own, it's fine.

Part of being in a family is just helping each other out.

I watched my brother growing up, and my parents let him know I was in charge and if he didn't listen he'd be answering to them when they got home. I also got a similar lecture that if I was abusing my power, there'd be consequences too. For the most part, we got along just fine while they were gone. I did my thing, he did his. We both made sure we were "asleep" by the time they got home and made a pact that we "followed all the rules" while they were gone. My parents are still discovering knick knacks that were skillfully glued back together

But kids aren't made of glass. They can adapt and still be well adjusted adults with some extra responsibility growing up.

StarOnTheTree · 05/09/2015 20:04

My teen DDs have always helped out with DD3 (now 8). I remind them that DD3 will be a teenager when they start having their children - perfect babysitting age

We're a family, we all support each other and muck in together. But that's different to having total responsibility for a sibling when you're still a child yourself. That was my life as a child and it sucked. My sister did the complete opposite and never asked her older child to do anything for the younger one. I took more of a 'middle of the road' approach.

maybebabybee · 05/09/2015 20:05

Yabu. You help each other out as a family. My parents are divorced and my Mum had to work long hours to support us. I had to do quite a lot of babysitting. It was totally necessary and I don't even vaguely resent it. It taught me responsibility.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 05/09/2015 20:09

I have to admit, I think it's a bit unfair to expect an older child to shoulder quite a big responsibility.
It was my choice to have more than one child, my older son wasn't consulted. They're both to young to consider leaving the older 'in charge' yet, but its not something I intend to do unless some sort of emergency happens and I have literally no other choice.
It is my responsibility to keep an eye on my younger child, it is my responsibility to keep him safe and parent him. It is not the responsibility of my older child.
Can't help but think that it must cause a fair bit of resentment to build in some families.

AgentZigzag · 05/09/2015 20:10

Bloodywell

Leaving younger children with older siblings risks the older one carrying on with whatever they normally do with the little one watching on. I know we saw loads of snippets of 18 horror vids that my friends older sisters used to have on, had nightmares for ages because of one particularly shit gruesome one.

I suppose the equivalent now is watching bollocks on youtube or playing an 18 rated game, which would be much more graphic than an 80s B movie.

yeOldeTrout · 05/09/2015 20:11

Families help each other out (shrug).

We sometimes pay teen DD to babysit & sometimes just ask her to.

goawayalready · 05/09/2015 20:16

my dd is 15 i dont allow her to babysit her younger sibs unless its just watching them while i go to the toilet or have a shower

lastuseraccount123 · 05/09/2015 20:17

YANBU.

I was the oldest of 4 and this was expected of me. i honestly I feel like I was put into the parent role too young and my parents took advantage of me. I was reluctant to have children as an adult partly as a result I think.

lastuseraccount123 · 05/09/2015 20:21

in my case, I did not have authority and was blamed for messes my siblings made - i was expected to clean up after them so she wouldn't see mess when she got home from work.

cow.

schokolade · 05/09/2015 20:37

For me it's not so much babysitting etc that's the problem - that's a particular responsibility with a time limit. The problem is when older children are generally held responsible for behavior of younger kids. Madness

Sallystyle · 05/09/2015 20:40

I think it all depends.

When I was at work and dd 6 didn't want to go out shopping with her dad or something my 16 year old looked after her. He was going to be in anyway.

I would never expect my older ones to do it for a good length of time or ask them to change their plans regularly but if they are around and we want to pop out to do a job and the younger ones don't want to go I will ask them to sit with them for an hour. Mine are still too young to actually babysit while we go out for the night or something (16 year old is an immature 16 year old), but I can imagine asking them when I think they are ready on the odd occasion.

I think it is a problem when it is a regular thing and they are expected to look after younger siblings for a long period of time which means they miss out on doing what they want to do regularly.

Helping out every now and then is fine.

vienna1981 · 05/09/2015 20:51

My eldest sister babysat for us (seven children all together) from the age of sixteen, at which point the regular family sitter was dispensed with. She enjoyed it far too much, clearly relishing the authority whilst possibly being less clued up about the responsibility. I can still hear her nasally bark demanding obedience decades later. Part of me still hates her for it. Cow.

Bellebella · 05/09/2015 20:51

As the eldest, I always had responsibility for my younger sister and brother. My younger brother was 8 years younger and I was always looking after him and walking him to school. I can't say I remember really resenting it. It was much of the time unavoidable and I was and remain really close to my brother. He just stayed with me last night and he is 16 now. I don't know if I would do it but I certainly don't think some responsibility is a bad thing for a child.

maybebabybee · 05/09/2015 20:58

Sometimes families just don't have much choice. Mine didn't.

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