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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know to respond to email from friend

72 replies

thebigpotato · 05/09/2015 12:37

I have a friend who has been acting increasingly needy and irrational over the last few years (basically from the time that I had a baby and so wasn't spending as much time with her as before).

I tried to involve her (made her godmother, invited her over to spend time with my child etc). But she was very unreliable. For example, she would say that she was coming round but then didn't turn up and she was generally late when I went to see her. She also always invited other people that I didn't know when we went out for dinner, and invariably double-booked her evening so that she had to leave after a couple of hours to go to a party elsewhere.

I have quite a busy life - I run my own quite stressful business and I have a toddler. She would phone me during work hours, or when she knew I was putting my child to bed, and if I didn't pick up or asked if I could call her back, she got the hump.

Eventually I stopped returning her calls and emails. At this point, she started telling mutual acquaintances that I was depressed and wasn't coping with the death of my father.

Then last week, she sent me a blank email with the following link: www.psmag.com/books-and-culture/the-art-of-loving-and-losing-female-friends

I don't know how to response. Part of me actually wants to have it out with her. The other part feels very sad and I can't bear the idea that she's this upset. I wonder if she's not very well. But, I'm also sick of her making me feel guilty when I did nothing wrong.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? I want to just ignore the email and hope that she gets the message finally? DH says that I have to explain to her nicely why I am upset with her. I've tried, but I just bear the idea of even more upset.

OP posts:

featherandblack · 06/09/2015 10:39

I do think there is no 'right' way to respond to being ghosted, which is what you've done, and the instinctive response (as you have had about her after this email) is not to think that the person doesn't want you, but that there's something up with them.

It sounds like you've behaved like this to a very fragile person who has eventually over-thought it and spent ages self-flagellating about why she must deserve this treatment. Quite honestly, what she's done didn't sound worthy of being dismissed as thoroughly as you have done. I wouldn't mourn a friend who did this if I was her. However I'm not her and her response has-eventually-been to decide that she is the most dreadful friend in the world and a broken person to boot. In this context it would be no bad thing for her to seek counseling but I can't help feeling that the role you have played in getting her there has been unnecessary and potentially very damaging. In future, perhaps you could explain what you're doing when you decide to act as if a friend has dropped off the face of the earth. At least they would then have a specific problem to work on rather than feeling there is an overall deficiency that means that every friend thereafter will also do this to them. If they decided they were at fault, rather than getting the rough edge of your selfishness, that is.

OutToGetYou · 06/09/2015 10:46

If anyone sends me a blank email with just a link in it I either delete it immediately or reply with "think you've been hacked, might be worth changing your password" and delete it. I never click on the links, I don't even read them.

So that is how I would respond to this email.

As for how to deal with her, well friendships change, die etc, move on, just ignore her.

magoria · 06/09/2015 10:48

OP says she has tried to explain to her friend why she is upset and not returning her emails/calls.

If you have explained and you feel you have done enough, then do not go back and explain again. This is how people try to drag you back into their drama.

Fandangola · 06/09/2015 11:04

I'm amazed at all the 'ignore, delete, what a drama llama' comments. You either loved her enough to make her a gp etc, or you didn't. Either way she deserves an honest conversation. I think alot of us have either been the needy friend or the providing friend, in different friendship dynamics. It never feels good to be blanked, not does it help someone move on from their grief of losing a friendship. If you are absolutely done with it, I think you need to call her and talk about why. If she is sending you a link like this she is clearly struggling to find the words to express how she feels. Be kind.

UrbaneFox · 06/09/2015 11:11

I wouldn't say anything like "i have a toddler and I'm busy" if you reply to her. That'll be confirming what she's looking to prove.

I lost a childhood friend when I had my first dc. She seemed so convinced that I would change completely. She mourned the death of our friendship while I was still able to go out with her and talk about other things, other people......... ask about her life, enjoy hearing her stories, listening to her thoughts. I would have been able to continue to do that. Quite easily, but she went ahead and GRIEVED for our friendship while I was still standing there beside her.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/09/2015 11:11

Oh FFS, indulging whinyarses only makes them worse. This woman was being a pest already when the OP made her godparent (it's not, actually, that big a deal to a lot of people and can easily be something you do to shut someone up by giving them a quick ego-stroke). OP tried repeatedly to explain that whiny friend was calling at the wrong time and that didn't work.

Blanking tiresome people is the best way, as any attempts to be 'kind' about it just makes them pester even more. they want a reaction.

UrbaneFox · 06/09/2015 11:21

Wow, I couldn't read the link the first time I clicked on it but I tried again and it did work.

I would respond because she obviously did / does care about your friendship and that is worth something. She's a bit melodramatic and self-indulgent perhaps but in a few years she could be over that.

I said in my earlier post that I lost a friend when I had my first DC and we are back in touch again now, just through fb. But I lost her respect somehow by having a baby, only years later when she recognised the same person in me that she had known so long ago did she 'forget' that I had a child. It is her issue, I know that, but equally, she thinks it was mine!

I'm glad we are back in touch again now, and I'm glad I didn't tell her to go and fuck off

I would write back to say that you still consider her your friend but that you're in different places right now, she has more freedom right now, but that you are still the same person you always were even though your circumstances have changed. Tell her you value the friendship even if it evolves. Refer to the bit in the article that says that friendships can ebb and flow and tell her you agree with that bit.

TheImpracticalCat · 06/09/2015 11:32

I don't know about your friend, but the writer of that article sounds very much like someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - the intensity of emotion, the neediness and fear of losing someone, the self-destructive impulse. It can be really difficult to be sympathetic towards someone with this condition and no diagnosis can excuse really bad behaviour, but I can promise that people with BPD aren't necessarily selfish or manipulative people, seeking to make themselves the centre of attention. If the writer does have BPD, then in her mind losing a friend probably is one of the worst things that could possibly happen to her - not because she's silly and melodramatic, but because she's unwell and having difficulty putting her emotions into perspective. In the same way that someone suffering with depression may cry over a seemingly silly little inconvenience, or someone with an anxiety disorder may panic in everyday situations, a BPD sufferer will have the same kind of hypersensitised reaction to the real or imagined threat of losing someone they care about.

Anyway, I'm not in any position to diagnose someone based on one article, but I just wanted to go a little bit against the grain of the many posts mocking her overwrought response to the situation. I'm as laid back as you can imagine and have never been one for getting involved in complex schoolgirl squabbles, but someone close to me has BPD and I know how difficult it is to live with, both for the sufferer and for their friends and family. A little bit of compassion can go a long way.

AnUtterIdiot · 06/09/2015 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pandarific · 06/09/2015 11:51

Blanking tiresome people is the best way, as any attempts to be 'kind' about it just makes them pester even more. they want a reaction.

SGB I think you have in your mind one particular person or 'type' of person, here. You seem quite angry about someone else's hurt feelings, which seems a bit of an overreaction!

My analysis is that friend is more sensitive than OP - not a criticism of either, but perhaps they're not a good friend match. I'm the kind of person who has a handful of selected people as lifelong friends - the rest of the people I know I'm friendly with, but would count them as 'acquaintances' rather than 'friends'. So, I'd be cut up to be blanked by someone I thought enough of to be real friends with, especially if I wasn't aware of what I'd done wrong.

So, I do think OP should give her an honest explanation. But that's just my view, and I've never been needy. People drift, friendships fade and you can lose the common ground that brought you together in the first place, but if OP thinks their friend is fragile at the moment she should probably give her some closure.

featherandblack · 06/09/2015 12:20

Solidgoldbrass What an unkind attitude you have to other people. Not every needy person is being dangerously manipulative, selfish or intentionally damaging. Who are you to decide that ignoring them is the best way? It sounds at the level of a mean queen bee in a playground.

As for giving someone the role of his parent to shut them up with a quick ego stroke... Words fail me. How manipulative. It may not be a big deal to you but the fact is that the words that are said ARE a big deal to many people and it is entirely reasonable for the godparent to feel it's a very significant role that represents a strong link to the parents. Playing around with a fragile person's expectations by picking someone you're growing tired of is rather bullying. Dropping a godparent isn't fair to the child either. The choice about who to have should be made according to what's best for them, not as a play.

Fairenuff · 06/09/2015 13:53

OP are you going to engage any more with posters on your thread, or should we consider ourselves dumped?

noiwontstoptalking · 06/09/2015 14:02

I'm not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time. She dropped her friend because:

She didn't turn up
She was repeated late to meet up
She would double book and leave to go somewhere else

During this time the OP was trying to run a business and have a young baby.

The ex friend wasn't prioritising or valuing the friendship now was she?

People short on free time don't have time for flakes. They get politely dropped.

In polite grown up society we don't give other adults chapter and verse on why we are pulling back from a friendship - we just don't.

If you discover you have been dropped there's usually a reason. It might not be one you agree with but by the time you get to that point there's rarely anything you can do about it.

I've been dropped by a friend. I had no idea why but had new baby twins and didn't have the time/energy to do much about it. I found out two years later it was because I had breast fed my 6 week old babies in front of her. .

There won't be any begging emails from me.

noiwontstoptalking · 06/09/2015 14:04

Faire it's Sunday afternoon - she's probably having a life.

diddl · 06/09/2015 14:25

"She didn't turn up
She was repeated late to meet up
She would double book and leave to go somewhere else"

So the friend didn't care enough about the OP to not do the above, but the OP is wrong for withdrawing?

I'm sure the friend could figure it out if she tried!

Pneumometer · 06/09/2015 14:39

She also always invited other people that I didn't know when we went out for dinner

The OP is a saint to tolerate that more than once. Doing that says "these other people are more interesting than you, and you're lucky that I'm willing to let you meet them."

noiwontstoptalking · 06/09/2015 15:20

diddl erm if you were quoting me, I don't think the OP was wrong for withdrawing and I don't think she was wrong for not providing a detailed reason why.

diddl · 06/09/2015 15:26

Sorry, noiwont I quoted you & then made a general comment aimed at people thinking that the OP should explain/give another chance.

I agree that she doesn't need to.

Her friend's actions show how much she thinks (or not in this case imo) of OP.

Scarydinosaurs · 06/09/2015 15:27

I can't believe that link- such self obsessed garbage!

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 06/09/2015 15:33

Your "friend" sounds completely immature and self-obsessed. You really don't have time for the drama. Sounds like you have grown apart. By all means, be as polite and kind as you can, but don't "feed" the narrative and don't keep getting sucked into her version of the story.

pandarific · 06/09/2015 15:49

I don't think the OP is wrong for withdrawing.

However, considering the quite intense feelings given voice to in the link, OP's friend may be a bit depressed/emotionally fragile. In which case, if it were me, I'd give an explanation (even if it's a half-truth 'oh I'm just so busy now') for the distancing because I wouldn't want to add to any fuckery that she already has going on, and there is nothing worse than not knowing. YMMV.

pandarific · 06/09/2015 15:53

I am also not trying to guilt the OP - she's not responsible for her friend's emotional state or mental health. Just that link is quite intense.

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