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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know to respond to email from friend

72 replies

thebigpotato · 05/09/2015 12:37

I have a friend who has been acting increasingly needy and irrational over the last few years (basically from the time that I had a baby and so wasn't spending as much time with her as before).

I tried to involve her (made her godmother, invited her over to spend time with my child etc). But she was very unreliable. For example, she would say that she was coming round but then didn't turn up and she was generally late when I went to see her. She also always invited other people that I didn't know when we went out for dinner, and invariably double-booked her evening so that she had to leave after a couple of hours to go to a party elsewhere.

I have quite a busy life - I run my own quite stressful business and I have a toddler. She would phone me during work hours, or when she knew I was putting my child to bed, and if I didn't pick up or asked if I could call her back, she got the hump.

Eventually I stopped returning her calls and emails. At this point, she started telling mutual acquaintances that I was depressed and wasn't coping with the death of my father.

Then last week, she sent me a blank email with the following link: www.psmag.com/books-and-culture/the-art-of-loving-and-losing-female-friends

I don't know how to response. Part of me actually wants to have it out with her. The other part feels very sad and I can't bear the idea that she's this upset. I wonder if she's not very well. But, I'm also sick of her making me feel guilty when I did nothing wrong.

AIBU to think that this is a bit odd? I want to just ignore the email and hope that she gets the message finally? DH says that I have to explain to her nicely why I am upset with her. I've tried, but I just bear the idea of even more upset.

OP posts:

maggieryan · 05/09/2015 17:15

I could never just ignore someone. I'd email back explaining why.

LadySheherazade · 05/09/2015 17:19

I'd send an email back with a link of your own.

To this thread.

(No I wouldn't really, I'd email her back to tell her exactly what I thought, then I would delete her contact details and block her.)

pandarific · 05/09/2015 17:58

"Friendship is not a pale imitation of sexual romance. It is a romance unto itself. I have not always loved as well as I could have. I am sometimes selfish in the wrong ways. There are women I still mourn—and I might always. Yet as I consider my brief, romantic history—history brimful of glorious, challenging women—I remember that no one is ever lost to sea. I close my eyes, and they emerge at my back: friends in girlhood, companions from boozy college nights, women who said goodbye, others who I hope never will—all glimmering brighter because we claimed a little space to love each other."

That's the end passage of the article above - though it's a bit purple prose, it's quite sweet.

Straycatblue · 05/09/2015 19:32

After reading the link and from what you have written, she sounds like she is very sad about the loss of the friendship and just doesnt know how to deal with it.
You have already cut her off without any explanation by your own admission , to be honest i feel sorry for her, she maybe hasnt behaved in a way that you have liked but to not even reply to emails or calls shows she may not know it yet but she is better off without you as you dont even think enough of her as a person to respect her enough to explain to her why you have cut her out your life.

Hissy · 05/09/2015 19:48

You say she has been needy and irrational. So why would now be any different? You're trying to find a nice motive behind her email, but if she were apologising for her "failure", she'd have said something in her email. No. This is a passive aggressive email, designed to provoke you into running after her again.

If anything, I'd suggest you reply "did you mean to send this empty email to me? I don't understand what you're trying to say"

If you can be bothered.

PA moves like a this tend to make me think FTFO and ignore it.

Scotslasslivinginfrance · 05/09/2015 19:58

I'm also slightly confused as to where she views herself in this but it does scream out I want attention, even if she is mourning the loss of a friendship.

I would proceed depending on how you feel about the friendship, do you want to maintain and rebuild it or are fine that you have grown apart and moved on.

If it's the first pick up the phone and call her.

If it's the second I would email back, without engaging further, thanking her for the email, without really going into the content or message contained within it, I would say something along the lines of 'Thanks for your email, it can be sad when friendships drift apart but it's just one of those things that happens. Hope your well, take care'

Short and sweet and hope that she accepts that. I would then just focus on and invest in the friendships that mean something to you and I'm sure your true friends will realise that you are not depressed, or even if they bring it up in the back of this girl saying something you can explain that not to be the case.

Birdinabin · 05/09/2015 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sonjadog · 05/09/2015 20:22

If I were you, I would write back and say that I am unclear as to what was the point of sending that link and could she please tell me in her own words what she wants to say. And then take it from there.

yeOldeTrout · 05/09/2015 20:24

I'd be minded to block her emails, sorry. I'm getting too old to deal with Drama Queens.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2015 20:35

Ignore her and, if friends ask, say that she was being a total PITA and you just haven't got the time for it.
No one has an automatic right to anyone else's time or attention. It's absolutely fun to cut whiny drama-llamas out of your life.

And anyone who has been dumped (whether by a friend or a partner) you need to suck it up. Whining, pestering, asking for closure, wailing to mutual friends - none of these are going to make the person who is sick of you change his/her mind.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/09/2015 20:38

Whoops - absolutely FINE not FUN (though TBH ignoring pests and watching them rev themselves up into greater and greater tantrums can be quite amusing, but it isn't called for in this case).

Purplepoodle · 05/09/2015 20:38

you stopped being friends when you stopped returning her calls and emails

AwesomeAF · 06/09/2015 04:06

When friends ask you how you are you can tell them you're doing brilliantly, you recently distanced yourself from an unreliable needy friend and things are going well.

Becles · 06/09/2015 07:57

OP in your opening post you say that

Eventually I stopped returning her calls and emails. At this point, she started telling mutual acquaintances that I was depressed and wasn't coping with the death of my father.

So without explanation you ignore and stop communicating with someone who was close and important enough to be a godparent to your child. She doesn't know what is going on with you and probably either trying to make sense of the unexplained rejection or worried about you so speculates that it may be due to two fairly significant emotional upheavals in your life, birth of a child and the loss of a parent.

Doesn't sound malicious or needy to me. Your disingenuous puzzled reaction however (in not understanding why someone may be all at sea when being 'blanked')is in its own way needy, unkind and unfair.

I'm gobsmacked that you are honestly peeved that she hasn't said sorry when you haven't bothered to tell her half of what you've shared here and the have the gall to state you can't bear the idea that she's this upset. I wonder if she's not very well

This would be considered hurtful mind games from a 15 year old girl, so why should an adult and a parent at that be held to lesser standards - use your words OP or accept that her pain and subsequent actions are predominantly (and apparently deliberately) down to you.

RattusRattus · 06/09/2015 07:57

I'd send her a response along the lines of "I read the article. Not sure if you are talking about you or me. Either way we need to talk, rather than sending each other stuff like that." Then leave the ball in her court, whilst subtly letting her know that you aren't hugely impressed.

wowfudge · 06/09/2015 08:08

Becles has it: you and we know why you have ignored her calls and emails, she doesn't. I like Skip's suggestion. If you care about her, you need to explain what has been going on.

LadyDeGrump · 06/09/2015 08:12

From your OP the reasons you give for breaking off the friendship sound disproportionately small, especially if you never told her how you felt about them.

Inviting other people to dinner - I have some friends who do this. They think itnis nice to have big sociable gatherings. I am not a fan but usually it is no harm done. Ive asked someone who did it all the time with people I didn't like not too.

Double booking - I agree quite hurtful but I wonder if there is more too this. If she is young free and single and she does't want her night to end at 10 when you go back to the baby it may be reasonable to her. Again did you mention it?

Getting the hump over you not returning calls or texts. I do this alot because I am busy and disorganised. It really annoys my friends and rightly so.

TendonQueen · 06/09/2015 08:20

Reply with 'Got the link. Was there something you wanted to say to me?'

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 06/09/2015 08:28

I'm with Tendon. The words need to come from her not a link. Tell her how you feel (the double booking, the neediness, the selfishness) as it is good to get these things out.

noiwontstoptalking · 06/09/2015 08:55

That article is appalling! Self-centred self indulgent twaddle. I read it feeling deeply sorry for the poor husband and relieved on behalf of the friend.

Sending a blank email with that link is passive aggressive and selfish IMO.

It would have been much better to have simply written; I miss you, can we get together?

Personally anyone sending me me that link would have put the final nail in the coffin of our friendship.

Given what you've said about her spreading nasty rumours about your MH I'd be inclined to ignore. She hasn't asked a question so a response isn't technically required.

I'm not sure I'd want to be sucked into that much drama.

I can't really see a way to respond to that kindly without getting invoked an overly emotional dialogue that's all about her. That link doesn't read as any kind of apology to me.

WatchWithMerlot · 06/09/2015 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 06/09/2015 09:06

I think you should contact her, either to make it clear the friendship is over or to make it clear what the problems with it are. But then I think dumping someone without a word is hurtful.

WatchWithMerlot · 06/09/2015 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blarblarblar · 06/09/2015 09:44

She was such a good friend you made her godmother, but not good enough to have an honest discussion about your relationship.
Yes it's a needy cringey article but she's trying.
I always find my oldest friendships are cyclical, sometimes your incredibly close other times not so, but its the nature of a very long standing friendship. I still love them and think of them during the lulls but maybe we are just in our own place. My closest and I drifted when I had DC1, she was a single, party girl and we just weren't relating to each other well. We are back to being close at the moment as we are in similar places again.
If I was you I would write a very honest email about how you feel in return. Explaining that you just can't be as available to her and that anytime you get away/out is precious and you don't want to spend it with randoms or be dumped half way through the night. Tell her you were hurt she told people you weren't coping with your dads death ( I'm very sorry) and are not depressed. If she takes it badly well she's a tit but at least you tried.

TheOddity · 06/09/2015 10:04

Oh god sorry, that is such a melodramatic article, if she could even begin to associate herself with that twaddle she would really not be the friend for me.

I'd agree to decide what YOU want. Are you happier/ the same without her? Life is too short for unnecessary melodrama.

If you have to reply and want to build bridges, I'd keep it to a simple: Don't understand? Can you explain?

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