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Original poster

To wonder when to forget about old friendships?

28 replies

DirtyMugPolice · 05/09/2015 08:38

When I was at uni (14 years ago) I got on really well with all my housemates - there were 8 of us and a mix of males and females. Since leaving uni we've all kept in touch by various means - emails and occasional meet ups. There was another couple who kind of got added to the group but I never knew them as well.

I think the last time we were all together was my wedding 7 years ago. All my housemates were invited to the day and the other couple I didn't know as well to the evening reception. Since then I've seen them all maybe twice - but they have all had a few more meet ups and a few holidays abroad. I haven't been able to go to any of these due to having my son.

Anyway due to Facebook I noticed that the other couple got married a few weeks ago - they live in the same town as me but I don't see them.I wasn't expecting to be invited (ok maybe to the evening bit to be honest) but I wasn't. That's fine and I'd be U to complain about that. It's just from seeing the photos every one else was invited - and some juSt had evening invites too. I'm just gutted they were all a few miles away having a good time :(

After the wedding I sent an email to everyone saying congratulations on the wedding you looked lovely, hope you all had a good time and just did a little update on what's been happening for me and saying I'd love to hear all your news. A week later nobody has replied as yet.

I am probably BU to feel a bit excluded - they have probably had meet ups and sent emails to each other I haven't been included in. It just seems since I had children I'm no longer included in anything (I'm the only one with DC). So if nobody replies do I just give up and stop worrying myself about it all?

OP posts:
sleepy11 · 05/09/2015 09:35

It does feel crap to know that you are the only one - I had a group at school who all still get together now (I am friends on Facebook with one of them) and it's only me that's missing from the 'old days'. Sometimes I think it's a shame but I mostly just think that I have lovely existing friends and so why would I hanker after old ones?

Sometimes you just grow apart and if you were meant to still be best buddies then you would be. It is sad though to think of the memories you shared in big life events like leaving school or uni but try not to dwell on it.

Some people also find it hard to move on with their lives so when you do something like have a baby, they just can't relate so it's less effort for them to just stick with the 'easy' gang where they can just pretend they are all still carefree students!! Smile

Spartans · 05/09/2015 09:36

I bet they haven't replies because they are a bit embarrassed, that the couple didn't invite you.

I would assume that if you live in the same town as the other couple but never see them, that friendship has ended. Which is why you weren't invited.

I wouldn't assume the friendship with everyone else has ended, just that they all feel awkward and don't want to be the one to respond.

friendships change, especially if you aren't doing things with them. Especially if you have kids and they don't.

Tbh I would expect an invite from someone because I invited them to my wedding, 7 years as ago and had barely seen them since.

Spartans · 05/09/2015 09:36

Tbh I wouldnt expect an invite

Kintan · 05/09/2015 16:17

Are you closer to any other members of that group? Maybe just send one or two of them a more personal message suggesting meeting for coffee or something. I often don't reply to big group messages to be honest, I kind of see them more of a way of getting info from/to a group rather than a way of chatting if that makes sense.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 05/09/2015 17:35

Thanks and sorry for late reply. I do try and think about all the lovely friends I have now, I've made loads of great ones in the last few years since having DC. As they all have children days out/meals/rare evenings out are good fun and we are all experiencing the same things. My uni friends are all either juSt working or going out so maybe they wouldn't be interested in anything I have to say anyway. On my update I briefly mentioned DC (and said I was pregnant with dc2 incase they hadn't seen on facebook) but didn't go on about just that!

You're right Spartans and I really wasn't expecting to be invited although I would have been pleasantly surprised if I was. Maybe you're right about being embarrassed - I wasn't intending to do that but I wanted to say I knew they were all together having a nice time(not in a harsh way just that I hope they had a good time).

Coffee wouldn't be possible unfortunately as none of them live near me. Oh well will try not to beat myself up about it and concentrate on the friends I do have currently in my life!

OP posts:
Spartans · 05/09/2015 18:29

I don't think you can write them off as not interested in anything you have to say, because you have kids. That's quite dramatic.

Peoples lives take different paths. Having kids often means we can't do what our childless friends can. you have completely different life experiences.

Is there a chance they feel you only sent that message so you could announce your pregnancy and wasn't really that bothered about the wedding.

There could be many reasons people haven't responded

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 05/09/2015 19:06

I think maybe I've stopped being invited to things because I have DC - I don't know to be honest and I may not know. I know that other people's children can be boring so I try not to mention mine too much! No I don't think anyone would think I sent the message just to announce pregnancy. It was kind of an aside to be honest!

You're right and I don't think replying to an email is a major priority - it is just that normally replies would come within a day or so. I'm a worrier by nature so I think I need to grow a bit of a backbone and just forget about it if I can. I'm sad though!

OP posts:
Callaird · 05/09/2015 19:12

Do try one more time.

One of my school friends (33 years ago) passed away last week. I am so gutted that we didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch. We never fell out, were Facebook friends and occasionally liked/commented on each other's posts and once in a blue moon had a bit of a messenger chat about getting together but we had separate lives and there was never the time, we lived 120 miles apart, 3 hours and we never had the time. I so wish I could turn the clock back.

I am making a lot more effort with far flung friends now (who knows how long it'll last but I hope I keep trying)

Good luck.

maggieryan · 05/09/2015 21:37

I wouldn't bother making effort anymore. No excuse not to reply, not to even congratulate you. Just plain rude. Move on and forget about them.

Spartans · 06/09/2015 07:24

Op, I understand why you feel sad about it. Even though you have grown apart.

I just wouldn't write off the whole group over this one thing, if you are usually in touch with them.

I had my first dd at 22 while everyone else went to uni etc. I did drift apart from some. Some have drifted away since they had kids recently, my kids are older so we are all doing different things. It's just one of those things unfortunately, but hopefully you pick up other friends along the way.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 09/09/2015 15:40

Thanks for input on this. Small non exciting update but nobody has replied to my email yet - in moments of wanting to have a hissy fit I think about hiding them all on facebook but I know that's ott and childish. Oh well :(

OP posts:
ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 09/09/2015 15:51

Perhaps they are away on holiday taking advantage of the back to school cheap deals if they are childless? tries to give them the benefit of the doubt

Give them another week and then chalk it up to life experience if no reply. You never know they may come out of the woodwork once they start having babies of their own.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 09/09/2015 16:01

Thanks Shakes. I doubt I'll get a reply now but will hold out some hope and optimism!

OP posts:
GloGirl · 09/09/2015 16:55

Hide them all! You can always Undo it if you like.

It's really mean of them not to reply Sad

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 10/09/2015 17:54

Yes I've been feeling more put out the longer it had been. Still nothing! And now I'm wracking my brains trying to work out if I've done anything to offend which is daft.

OP posts:
howtoread · 10/09/2015 18:07

Its a difficult thing when that happens and as other have said it is too soon to write them all off yet perhaps if you hear nothing get in touch with the few you are closest send a little letter with a christmas card if its getting to that time or try to arrange a meet up?

On the other hand it is unrealistic to maintain all your old friendships long term only a few true and solid ones remain as the years go by, perhaps social media might give us a false impression at times the we are still all connected when in fact we are not.

I remember being very hurt in my late 20's when at a time of personal crisis 3 people I thought were very good friends, one I had help though and out of an abusive relationship made it clear they didn't want to know about my problems and that I was being a drag. I saw these people as true friends but I was wrong, they saw me as little more than a useful at times aquanitence. There is nothing wrong with that it can just be a shock when you realise it's true.

Do you have other close friendships or is part of your upet because you feel isolated in gerneral?

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 10/09/2015 19:08

Thanks howtoread I'm still trying to be hopeful!

I do have brilliant friendships now, and a decent sized social circle so I feel very lucky. I think I feel upset at being left out of things when we were all so close once upon a time. It was just all of them being together apart from me. I might try texting a few to say hello and see what happens maybe.

OP posts:
MissMoo22 · 10/09/2015 19:26

See, in these situations I couldn't be bothered wracking my brains trying to figure out if I've done/said something so I'd just ask them. It's not everyone's solution but I'd rather just ask and be told the truth than wallow and let my annoyance fester. Usually it works out ok. I know some people don't like confrontation and might say oh no nothing is wrong but if there's someone in the group who you're closest to or who you know will give you an honest answer then just ask them outright. At least then you'll know what's been going on. Don't ask in a woe is me way though.

Littlechip · 10/09/2015 21:54

I'd feel sad about this too OP. I think don't think it's nice that none of them have replied but it's probably a mixture of embarrassment on their part and having grown apart a bit. If you feel like you don't want to give up on them, contact a couple of them and arrange to meet them individually for a coffee or something. Then you could ask if there's a reason behind it. Chances are there isn't. My husband has been sidelined like this a bit recently but I think it's partly down to changing interests and lifestyles over time. You have to keep plugging at friendships to keep them afloat.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 24/09/2015 09:36

Just to update - have not had a reply to my email from any of my 'friends'. I've tried not to give it too much thought but it's hurtful. Did text one of the girls I was most friendly with but no reply. I feel like I'm an intensely dislikeable person and I've never realised, or something I know that's not true, hopefully. Considering a Facebook spring clean but that might be petty!

OP posts:
BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 24/09/2015 09:53

Op, I speak to 3 people I was at uni with. What you've described is painful. Hide them on fb. Concentrate on the people who make you happy. Fwiw, I've been through the same thing only 3 years not 14 and it's been hard but it made me realise that I can treasure what was, even if it's not the same now.

Shakey15000 · 24/09/2015 10:00

I totally get where you're coming from Sad

I am really hurting at the moment due to similar. I wish I could let it all out here and get some perspective from the lovely vipers but it's too convoluted and the details (even vague ones) would be recognisable and I can't guarantee that the other's aren't MNers. I can only say that I (with what I perceive to be valid reasons) disengaged about a year ago. And no-one in the loop has noticed Sad Says it all.

But I understand why it's hurtful.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/09/2015 10:08

It is crap, it sounds like you have grown apart from them. Do they all see each other more than you? You have said that you have turned down a few things because you were busy with ds, mabey they felt that you had distanced yourself. They should have replied to your message, that is rude. Yes I would not make the effort anymore, and concentrate on your lovely friends you have now.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/09/2015 10:09

No, if you want to have a Facebook springclean so be it. It might help you and be cathartic to let go and leave that in the past.

Original poster
DirtyMugPolice · 24/09/2015 12:05

Thank you all. Sorry to hear that Shakey.

Aeroflotgirl I had said on the emails when I turned down stuff I would like to go - please keep inviting me to stuff and if I can make it I will. From Facebook posts yes I think they have continued to do things but I haven't been invited. yes I think I will hide them, it just makes me feel sad if I see any posts from any of them now. :(

OP posts:
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