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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am being unreasonable...

45 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 05/09/2015 05:04

This might be a sense of entitlement post and I wish it wasnt so help me to stop it and to stop feeling rubbish about it.

The bottom line is that my dm married again, had another DS (my half brother). I am in my late 30s, single parent, 2 dc and I rent with no chance of buying.

DM married well and has just bought my half brother a house.

And I just feel upset and hard done by and I wish I didnt!! Its just by circumstance that I havent been able to do it myself as I dont earn enough. What can I do to stop feeling like its all a bit unfair and feeling like a stroppy teenager! Help!!
Aibu to feel a little bit upset...

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/09/2015 05:06

I don't think you are unreasonable, that is bloody unfair.

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 05/09/2015 05:19

I am just trying not to let the unfairness I feel eat away at me and I dont know how. Stepfather is clear that I am not his child so he has no responsibility for me which is true. Its just making me feel a bit rubbish as have no other family.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 05/09/2015 05:29

Yanbu. It is not fair to buy one of your dc a house and not the other one. How can your mother think it is?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 05/09/2015 05:34

Ugh.. Sorry op i wish I could agree with you that you are being petty but I'd feel the same. What is the age gap between you and your half brother?
Tbh I think you're being v grown up about it

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 05/09/2015 05:41

I am 15 years older. I feel devastated really but I just dont want to sound entitled either.
I think its all about the fact that he is their child together and I am not.
I just need help to not let it eat me up in my life and I dont know how to do that! I have considered breaking all contact but then I dont want my dc not to see their granny over money which is awful.

OP posts:
Zampa · 05/09/2015 05:53

I've married a man with 2 DC from a previous relationship and we now have our own children. I brought significant assets to the marriage and tbh never thought of sharing them with his DC.

For example, I will use my own finances from before the marriage to help my DC with university/housing deposits etc. Any shared assets will go towards helping all of the children. DH's first two will more than likely benefit from financial help from their mother and her DH.

Perhaps this is VU. I never thought of it like that but prepared to be considered wrong.

Regularhiding · 05/09/2015 06:52

I agree with zampa

GloriousGoosebumps · 05/09/2015 06:53

The truth is I would feel hard done by too but where did the purchase money come from? If it was from an inheritance to your mother and she spent it on only one of her two children I would judge her harshly but if the purchase price came from an inheritance to your stepfather from his side of the family and he chose to only spend it on his biological child then it's difficult to argue that he shouldn't be allowed to do so. Ditto if the money came from assets he had pre his marriage to your mother. Assuming the money came from income post their marriage, do you know if your mother argued that you should also receive some money albeit not perhaps not enough to purchase a house outright?

I've never been quite sure how much it is reasonable to expect a step parent to do. Obviously, your mother and stepfather should have spent the same amounts on birthday and Christmas presents for both children and you should both have been able to go on school trips and had similar amounts for pocket money etc. but once a step parent has ensured that step children are treated as well as biological children in day to day matters is he also expected to buy houses for all the children? I suppose his feelings will also be coloured by how long he was a parent to you, for example, he may have been your father for as little as 4 years if you moved out at 18.

Whatever the answers to the above questions, it would be unreasonable to go NC over this money, particularly if the reality is your mother would not have any say over whether you should also be given some money.

whatlifestylechoice · 05/09/2015 07:03

Rationally and logically, YABU. However, I think I would feel exactly the same as you. That's really not fair and I would want to cry.

Have you spoken to your mother about it? How do you get on with your half-brother?

coveredinsnot · 05/09/2015 07:07

You're not being remotely unreasonable to feel upset by this. Not at all. What is unreasonable is to expect yourself to feel OK about it! I'm in a similar position although my stepfather has been with my mother since before I was 2. He's always treated my two younger step sisters to many, many things that were denied me, for example an extremely expensive private education while I went to the local comprehensive. That's just one example of many. So the feeling of betrayal by your mother and the feeling of bitterness this leaves you with, I totally understand. It's a really hard thing to try to manage from an emotional perspective. I wish I had some clear advice but tbh, in my mid 30s, it still fills me with rage! Rather than trying to minimise your response, how about letting yourself feel pissed off about it, given that it's a completely legitimate way to feel right now? Is there any chance you could discuss this with your mum? I wonder how she feels about it. Going NC is tempting isn't it, I've never managed it although I think I should have done tbh, but my situation is different to yours of course. But perhaps creating a bit more distance might help you? I wish I could offer better advice. Instead have some Flowers Cake

Fugghetaboutit · 05/09/2015 07:15

That is shit. I'm so lucky my dad married such an amazing woman after my mother. She always treated me so well and as she is the breadwinner, helped me, my partner and son buy a house this year. Wouldn't have been able to do it without her. I wish there were more like her.

Spartans · 05/09/2015 07:19

I really don't know about this one.

Yanbu to be a bit upset about it. Your mother really should insist both her children are treated they same.

But assuming the money is your stepfathers and your mum brought no assests to the marriage, then that maybe why.

I have known a few people in tricky positions when it come to blended families. Especially when one parent is quite well off but is not parent to them all.

I have never seen an outcome that everyone feels entirely happy with.

MummaGiles · 05/09/2015 07:28

If the age gap is only 15 years then surely they got together / married when you were still a minor and he would have had some responsibility for you at that point? I could perhaps understand his position about not being financially responsible for you but given the age you were when he married your DM it's quite sad that he doesn't see you as his child in any way. I wonder how your DM feels about this inequality in the way she had treated her children.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 05/09/2015 07:40

I agree with Zampa. It depends where the money for the purchase came from. If the money came solely from your step fathers assets then I can see why he would only want to spend it on his biological child. However, if your mothers assets have contributed to the purchase of the house then YANBU as it would have been better if she had split the money between both of you and helped you both towards the cost of buying a house.
As you say that your mother married well, I am guessing that most or all of the money for the purchase came from your step father?

yorkshapudding · 05/09/2015 07:46

You are not being at all unreasonable. This has nothing to do with "entitlement", it's about fairness. If you have two children, they should be treated the same. DH's parents have always favoured his sister (so obviously that it is embarrassing) and a few years back when they announced that they were buying her a house I know he was upset although he tried not to show it. It wasn't about the money (unlike his sister, DH has now carved out a good career for himself through sheer hard work and wouldn't want handouts) it was about them making it clear that she is the priority and the one at the forefront of their minds. Surely anyone with any empathy would realise that if they decide to bestow such a massive gift on one child and not the other, it's going to feel like a rejection.

orlakielyimnot · 05/09/2015 08:01

I think this is tricky too. My aunt remarried and poured a lot of finances into her husband's children when they were growing up and now feels bitter thinking of how that money could have helped further her own children. As she was telling her story, and being my blood relative, I sided with her. But, as I think about it, this is because of how tight things became financially for them. Your mother's husband is not responsible for you, but it sounds like they have a comfortable lifestyle so this position he's taken feels mean and un-generous.

Sighing · 05/09/2015 08:01

It's awful to be struggling whilst your sibling has it handed to them. The step father was obviously after your mother but demonstrably uninterested in her family. Very sad. The stepfather's I know are much more committed and caring. What a shame your mother has enabled / supported this unequal treatment of her children. It must br like a betrayl.

SeaMagic · 05/09/2015 08:08

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. This is an awful situation and I would also feel incredibly hurt in your position.

I don't understand how someone who gets married to a person who has children cannot assume responsibility for that child/ren, particularly if the child is a minor and lives in their home. That includes financial responsibility, the child comes as part of the package of their new relationship.

Your mother should have insisted that both you and your brother were helped out in buying a home. It is irrelevant who brings what money into the relationship, once a couple are married this becomes shared assets and can be used as the couple see fit, not just the one whose it was originally iyswim.

Anyone with a shred of empathy could see that to buy a house for one child and not another is a recipe for hurt feelings and resentment. What a shitty thing to do, I feel very angry with your mother and stepfather on your behalf OP Angry

Original poster
Kiddiewinks2008 · 05/09/2015 08:10

Thanks for all your responses- its all made me feel better. Like I said, from a logical point of view I understand as my stepfather has no obligation to me. But from an emotional point of view its hard not to feel upset that my brother gets a good leg up in his life while its likely mine will be more difficult! But as I said, I want to be able to move on from it as I hate feeling hard done by and resentful!

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 05/09/2015 08:21

Unfair.

I inherited from my grandfathers estate, 20 years after he died, and 10 years after my step-gran died. Her next husband (my step grandmas next husband) made sure all the grandchildren of all 3 of them shared what was "their" estate equally. My step-gran always treated us equally too.

It was very humbling.

It sounds like your stepfather could help you, but chooses to treat you as not part of the family. Even after 20 years. And your mum doesn't stand up to him. That must really hurt.

frazzledbutcalm · 05/09/2015 08:29

yaNbu. Very, very unfair Sad

I have a different situation but the same principle. It happened 3 years ago with dh family. We now don't speak to them as a result of their actions. Every time I think of it I still feel the unfairness to this day. I hoped it would pass but it hasn't. Sad

BrideOfWankenstein · 05/09/2015 08:37

If you figure out, how to feel better about it, let me know. I have been treated unfairly by my mother compared to my siblings. And we all have the same two parents, so not even step siblings.
My sister had money from my parents to pay off her debts(around £4000) and I had £200 for food.
When I have a very difficult financial situation, I can't rely on them to help me, while my younger sisters get money on their accounts the same day. And this all is just a part of what makes me feel bitter.
I was neglected in the childhood and my older brother used to beat me up daily just because he felt like it. He used to tell his dog(huge rottweiler) to attack me.
When I was 11, I started to take care of my newborn sister almost full-time. Skipped school, so thanks to my mum lost any opportunity to get education and good job.
In fact, I'm blaming my mum for every bad thing that has been going on in my life.
This is a horrible way to live, but I can't help it. And although my mum was a shit parent, she is an amazing grandparent, so I can't go NC for the sake of my DS.
Anyway, YANBU at all.

Osolea · 05/09/2015 08:41

YANBU to feel hard done by, but your response is an emotional one rather than a logical one.

If the money to give your brother a leg up came from his father, or his paternal grandfather, then your mother may not have had much say in the matter. Even if she had tried to stop it, then there would be fair reason for your brother to feel resentful because he couldn't be helped by his own parent as well.

Try and focus on the good in your life, because if you focus on the negative things that you can't change, it will be damaging to you and your relationships. Every time you find yourself thinking about it, try to push it out of your mind and distract yourself.

Is your father still in your life? If he is, I can understand why your step dad thinks that it should be up to him to provide any financial help he wants to. Otherwise there could be a situation where your father was providing for you something that your brothers parents couldn't provide for them, but no one would expect your father to provide for your half brother.

damselinthisdress · 05/09/2015 08:42

YANBU. If the age gap was bigger, 18+ or even 16+ I would say YANBU to be upset but your DM isn't BU either, but as you were still a child when they married, your step-father married DM and took you on too. In my eyes that means you should be treated equally.

MidniteScribbler · 05/09/2015 08:46

For example, I will use my own finances from before the marriage to help my DC with university/housing deposits etc. Any shared assets will go towards helping all of the children. DH's first two will more than likely benefit from financial help from their mother and her DH.

So it's ok for you to expect your husband's ex's new husband to help support his children, but you aren't willing to do the same?