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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am being unreasonable...

45 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 05/09/2015 05:04

This might be a sense of entitlement post and I wish it wasnt so help me to stop it and to stop feeling rubbish about it.

The bottom line is that my dm married again, had another DS (my half brother). I am in my late 30s, single parent, 2 dc and I rent with no chance of buying.

DM married well and has just bought my half brother a house.

And I just feel upset and hard done by and I wish I didnt!! Its just by circumstance that I havent been able to do it myself as I dont earn enough. What can I do to stop feeling like its all a bit unfair and feeling like a stroppy teenager! Help!!
Aibu to feel a little bit upset...

OP posts:

ChickenTikkaMassala · 05/09/2015 08:48

Sorry OP and I mean this without any malice but I think YABU, your mums husband doesn't have an automatic obligation towards you. I know it sucks and I'd be pissed off too but I'm guessing it wasn't your mum's money that bought the house? If it was then I take this post back but from what you've posted it seems like the husband has bought the house, not your mum.

HackerFucker22 · 05/09/2015 08:52

I am guessing you were pretty much an adult when dm met stepdad? I am also guessing hoping that this makes a difference in the way he treats you (the thought of a stepfather making it clear to a child that he doesn't view them as "his own" is just too sad)

My rational head thinks yabu as it's obviously your stepfather's money but I too would be pissed off and feel hard done by if my mother - which had married a very wealthy man - let me continually struggle.

Osolea · 05/09/2015 08:59

It's not always appropriate for a step parent to view his step children as his own though. If the other parent is still around, a step parent doesn't really have any right to treat the children as his own and take over as a father/mother when they already have that parent.

In this situation, OP is your housing secure? I mean do you have a social housing property that you know you can keep? Because if you do have that, but your brother had no way of getting his own housing without help from parents, then it becomes more understandable.

WutheringTights · 05/09/2015 09:00

My situation is slightly different, in that I have step brothers rather than a half brother. They are around 15 years younger too but I was 18 when my mum remarried. My step brothers have had help with house deposits, university etc, I didn't. When our parents die they will get over a million to split between them (assuming that it doesn't all get spent on care fees), I will get nothing. Doesn't bother me to be honest, I never expected anything form my step dad, why should he support someone else's child? But, I have done ok on my own, own a house etc. I might feel differently if I were struggling. And, to be honest, I might have had a bit more help if I was struggling as step dad is pretty decent. Sorry, that's no help at all.

WutheringTights · 05/09/2015 09:04

Midnitescribbler - I think you missed something there, she said that shared assets would help support all children.

We've been discussing wills recently, and I've made it pretty clear to DH that if I die and he remarries, any assets he inherits form me are to help my children and to be willed to my children alone, not to any future children he has or any step children he might be responsible for in future. I think that's entirely reasonable. Why should my assets support children that I've never even met at the expense of my own children?

HeyDuggee · 05/09/2015 09:09

There is a HUGE difference between a step father treating a step child (in her teenage years) like their own as a child - and giving an adult a large portion of your retirement money so they can buy a house.

You are an adult and I don't think your step dad has any obligation to give you his money. (I'm assuming from your OP it is his money as you said your mother married well).

I suspect perhaps you are comparing your childhood to your brother's - if your step dad was well-off and your mum wasn't - and it's always felt a bit unfair. Is this just the cherry on top?

YeOldeTrout · 05/09/2015 09:22

mmmm... I get why OP would want to say something to her mother, but after saying it, must let go.

I'm on the other side (my dad the wealthier partner in 2nd marriage) & my situation feels unfair, too. I'm sure my step-sisters are getting a much better deal than I am; my kids are getting an especially raw deal. But as my dad pointed out yrs ago, he didn't get a fair share of his dad's estate, either. His parents disposed of money according to perceived needs of recipients (each of their many kids), and according to who had the brass to ask for money. We see this with DH & his brother, too. Maybe it's impossible to be completely fair.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 05/09/2015 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zampa · 05/09/2015 09:57

Midnite I stated that shared assets between DH and me would help all of our children. Maybe their Mum will do the same with any assets shared with her new husband. What he does with anything he brought to their marriage is up to them. I have no expectations.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 05/09/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zampa · 05/09/2015 10:14

Thanks Cheeky and to Wuthering for helping with the clarification.

Clearly, none of the DCs will be left to struggle. However, I am conscious that i have read multiple threads where the "struggling" party is given money at the expense of the "settled" party, causing resentment in the latter.

Money can be a liberator but the upset and strife it causes is extensive. Here's to communism!

lemoncordial · 05/09/2015 10:20

I don't know how I'd feel as I don't have any half siblings or step children. But yanbu for feeling hurt. My brother has had help which has a huge impact on his quality of life. You haven't and you're struggling. That's tough.

OddlyLogical · 05/09/2015 10:27

Life isn't fair - it doesn't mean that someone did something wrong.
It isn't fair for your half brother to get more than you.
It isn't fair for your step dad to have to split his money between his own child and his adult stepson.
It isn't fair that some people have more than others.
Would it be fair if your dad gave money to you and not your half brother?
It's ok to feel jealous - we all feel like that sometimes, but just recognise that there is no-one to blame for that and you need to find a way of dealing with it.

DinosaursRoar · 05/09/2015 10:31

OP - did you benefit from an increase quality of your lifestyle in your teenage years after your mum remarried, to a tune your mum couldn't have afforded if she hadn't remarried?

I can see why it would hurt, but perhaps stop thinking of it as your mother helping your DB but your step-dad, and that's rather different.

Fatmomma99 · 05/09/2015 10:46

I agree that you have every right to feel hurt, and there's nothing wrong with you feeling and acknowledging those feelings. But I also think it would be a bit U of you to let your step-bro, step-dad etc know this is how you feel, because if the money came from step dad, it's his to spend in any way he chooses.

I would work on the relationship you have with your DM, so that you CAN be honest with her about how much the inequality hurts, and she can give you the emotional support you need, even if not the financial.

Does that make sense? Hope you feel better soon, but I can understand this will take a lot of getting over

Tutt · 05/09/2015 10:53

I have been where you are OP and I tried to let it go, when I got married, I wasn't young and DH and I had been together a long time, my father said 'I hope you don't expect me to contribute to that wedding' (exact words!) Yet my half brother had been given a huge deposit for his house,money for new windows,doors etc his wedding paid for between his parents and her's. Father never gave us a penny, just a token gift.
This is justified in their heads by 'her Mother' MIGHT give her something so is deemed as fair!
Since their son has had a baby they don't bother with my DS and that was the final straw for me, that they could turn their back on him! Enough was enough.
OP I understand your hurt, it isn't fair by any standard and it got worse the older they/I/brother got. I'm now no contact because I can't abide unfairness.
I have a DS and a DSS and from day one I said that unless the boys are treated equally then I will be off, I will not subject our children to that regardless of parentage.

harrasseddotcom · 05/09/2015 10:57

YANBU. I dont think that once children grow up you can start treating them differently. Ds1 is 15, Ds2 is 4, different dads. DP (not Ds1's dad) and I treat them both the same, always have and always will, regardless of age. I would be sick to my stomach if I though DP showed more favour to Ds2 than to Ds1, financially, emotionally or otherwise. All that would do is foster divisions and create animosity.

GloriousGoosebumps · 05/09/2015 11:28

Op, you still haven't said where the purchase price came from ie inheritance / assets pre marriage / assets post marriage or how much influence your mother had over the decision not to give you a house or at least a generous lump sum. Did your mother want to give you a monetary gift?

orlakielyimnot · 05/09/2015 11:41

I was thinking about this again with the old marxist adage in mind. In my family the rule is to help the one who needs it, that would be my brother and I wouldn't get anything. There won't be much and my brother's never really found his feet. Where I would use any (minimal) inheritance on a holiday he would use it for necessities and that is more important, and in our family we would see that as fair. My OH's family take a strict equality notion. Everyone, regardless of income, gets equal cash gifts. I can see the absolute fairness of this but the siblings are not equally comfortable even though all are smart with money. All that makes me think about you again OP. It isn't fair in terms of my family's position of giving it according to need, and it isn't fair according to my OH's family rule of absolute equality. It's an ethical conundrum. Should a "married in after" take full and equal financial responsibility for the other's family? Is there a base limit at which it's acceptable to only feed financially into your blood family? Also, what has your mother said about this? And is it her money, their money or his money that's unequally divided between her two children?

Fuckityhi · 05/09/2015 20:06

YANBU. It's unfair.
I have two dc and the eldest is from a previous relationship. Dp treats them both exactly the same, as do his family. Financially and every other way.

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