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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prepare and buy absolutely nothing for this baby?

29 replies

Sweetcharlotterose · 04/09/2015 18:56

I'm nearly 19 weeks pregnant so I've still got plenty of time I know but I've had a bad feeling about this pregnancy ever since we found out. It's a miracle pregnancy in that previous fertility treatment had failed and we'd given up hope.

We had a gender scan privately last week, the sonographer went quiet and then said that the cord is velamentous so not fixed properly into the placenta. She didn't really say anything else so I consulted Dr Google when we got home. Basically the cord can come away at any time, particularly during labour so they recommend an early c section. However even before that the cord is more likely to detach or the baby can compress it cutting off oxygen and nutrients. It's associated with a range of birth abnormalities and fetal death and stillbirth.
It can range in severity and I don't know how bad mine is but I have an appointment next week with the consultant obstetrician to find out.

I feel like I'm just waiting for my baby to die. I don't want to talk about the pregnancy with anyone, I went back to work today after the summer holidays and now I'm showing everyone was saying congratulations and I was thinking 'there probably won't be a baby at the end of this.'

With ds we had everything ready by about 30 weeks (luckily as he came early at 35+4) but I don't feel I can do anything for this baby. I don't want to prepare for nothing and have the sorrow of coming home to an empty nursery. Dh says we need to get some stuff like nappies, steriliser etc just in case but I just can't.

Aibu?

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 04/09/2015 19:00

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you being referred to a specialist?

PrimalLass · 04/09/2015 19:00

Sorry, I didn't read properly.

MrsMummyPig · 04/09/2015 19:00
Flowers I hope it all turns out well. Good luck in bucket loads. As for your question, I think you should just do what feels right for you.
lilyb84 · 04/09/2015 19:08

YANBU. That's a really worrying thing to find out and it's completely understandable you feel this way. Many people don't buy or prepare anything until fairly late even without receiving that sort of news.

I hope your next appointment gives you more information, reassurance and I hope that everything works out well for you and the baby Flowers

KittyandTeal · 04/09/2015 19:10

I'm so sorry you've had bad news. I would hold off the worrying (not realistic I know) until you've seen a specialist.

It is highly likely that everything will be ok.

YANBU to not want to buy anything, everyone is different. However, my experience is that we didn't buy anything for dd2 as she was our second, I also had a bad feeling about the pregnancy. Dd2 was stillborn at 22+2 (after being diagnosed with T18) and I wish we had bought stuff for her. The hospital dressed her and she was given a sands bear but I still wish that we'd bought her an outfit and a teddy. I try not to think about it too much, you do what you can at these times to get through, but I still feel guilt about it.

That's not to say if the worst happened you would feel the same, I'm just telling you the 'other' side.

Tbh if we have another I will probably go out and buy a small outfit and a soft toy after the 12 week scan. That will probably be it until much later but that's my feelings on it

letmehaveyoursoul · 04/09/2015 19:11

This sounds horrible :( of course you're not being unreasonable. Could you buy some bits and pieces and get your mum to keep them? She could bring them to you when the baby arrives so you don't need to worry about them should anything go wrong?

I really hope everything goes well Flowers

SoThatwasSummer · 04/09/2015 19:11

Its up to you how you feel. Nappies are sold everywhere there is no need to get them now. You do whatever you need too. Flowers

Aibuaddict · 04/09/2015 19:12

So so sorry you have this concern. I really hope you and the baby are ok and things progress well. I think YADNBU to wait. Or to change your mind at any time at all.

mysteryfairy · 04/09/2015 19:13

You don't need to buy anything now or make any decisions about when you will buy stuff. Wait until after your appointments and see what the doctors say.

You're definitely not being unreasonable not to shop and it would be totally manageable if you bought nothing or very little in advance.

If you can't face work I think your GP would sign you off until after your appointment.

I hope your baby does well.

OwlinaTree · 04/09/2015 19:13

Flowers such a difficult time. I can totally understand your feelings.

If you don't want to buy anything, then don't. We live in a 24 hour society now, your dh can go to tesco or asda and buy whatever you need as soon as the baby is born. Amazon does next day delivery.

Really hope all goes well for your pg.

Brummiegirl15 · 04/09/2015 19:15

Hi Charlotte been thinking of you lots as I'm not really on the February ante natal thread due to my anxiety about this pregnancy due to my 3 mcs

You've come this far, please do not give up hope. Really hoping everything is ok but thinking of you.

And no, you aren't unreasonable - you do what you need to do to get through it Flowers

Cherryblossomsinspring · 04/09/2015 19:19

YANBU! Your concern and thoughts right now are getting your baby here safely. Getting stuff ready can be done in a heartbeat so don't be worrying that you haven't bought all the stuff etc. I think I'd be exactly the same as you.

It's such shitty news but what is great is that you have found out about this problem early and can hopefully be monitored through it to keep baby safe.

BelfastSmile · 04/09/2015 19:19

You're not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do. It may be that the consultant visit will clarify a few things, and you'll feel different then. If you wanted to be sort-of-prepared, you could make a list of what you'll need for a baby, and where to get the things. That way you can send DH or one of the grandparents out at short notice. Thinking of you.

Original poster
Sweetcharlotterose · 04/09/2015 19:22

Thanks Brummie - I hope all is going well and uneventfully for you.

The not knowing is the worst thing I think. Also it gets more likely to be a problem as the pregnancy continues, I keep thinking I could get to 34 or 35 weeks and then lose her. I know it does happen and it could happen to me as easily as anyone else.
Ds keeps talking excitedly about being a big brother and it makes me want to weep.

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 04/09/2015 19:25

One day at a time is all you can do. 'Today I am pregnant' think this each day. They will monitor you carefully now.

y0rkier0se · 04/09/2015 19:28

No words of wisdom but Flowers for you

Purplepoodle · 04/09/2015 19:32

I think we got a total of pram, Moses basket and some baby grows with ds1 as I was too worried - we even kept this at mil. I decorated the nursery after ds was born. dh made a list and he picked everything up while we were in hospital (mil lent a hand too), he said it wasn't hard as he picked up most stuff from supermarket and Argos

Original poster
Sweetcharlotterose · 04/09/2015 19:34

It makes me so sad, we've waited such a long time for this baby and now there's no excitement or joy at all. Just a feeling of inevitable loss.

I'm sure dh could go and get the essentials in the event we needed them.

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 04/09/2015 19:40

I fervently hope that the obstetrician can allay some of your fears, it must be a very different time for you Flowers x

Rivercam · 04/09/2015 19:51

I can understand why you feel like you do. Nearer the due date, why don't you ask a friend to get a basic selection of nappies, baby grows etc, for you.

Nonnainglese · 04/09/2015 19:57

Sorry, *difficult not different....

slithytove · 04/09/2015 20:01

If you can, discuss an early section at 35 weeks.

From what you've said, I wouldn't attempt labour, and a planned section is usually much better than an emergency (anecdotal but true) and it might alleviate some of your fears.

I'd also look into: regular monitoring, early maternity leave, sick leave until then, perhaps bed rest.

And try and find the joy in your baby, hard though it might be. Allowing yourself to hope and love them now, won't change how you feel if you can't bring her home. I think it might even make it worse.

I lost DD at term so I do understand.

slithytove · 04/09/2015 20:02

And. Don't google, loss isn't inevitable, and no, you don't need to buy anything now.

If you have a preterm section, plenty of time for Internet shopping from bed.

I'm sorry Flowers but don't lose hope x

PorcupineNecktie · 04/09/2015 22:55

Thinking of you, and no YANBU at all FlowersFlowersFlowers

CampariSpritz · 05/09/2015 17:24

Best of luck, OP. I shall be rooting for you and your baby.