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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

More wedding

73 replies

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 04/09/2015 09:22

My daughter was a bridesmaid at the weekend. The bride wants the dress back in case her daughter ever wants it.
I want to put it away to keep as a reminder (we don't know many unmarried people she wont be a bridesmaid loads).

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

PHANTOMnamechanger · 06/09/2015 16:19

Besides who would want to buy a second hand bridesmaids dress

LOADS of people, if you look on ebay or charity shops! Wedding gowns too! not everyone can afford new!

PHANTOMnamechanger · 06/09/2015 16:23

most wedding conventions/etiquette have been long forgotten. people don't RSVP, people don't send thank you letters, people ask for cash [never in my day!!] etc
But the only way the bride is BU here is if she had previously implied that of course the BM could keep the dress, and has since changed her mind - not nice to do that to a child excited about a posh frock.

quietbatperson · 06/09/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 06/09/2015 17:41

I must be missing something because I've looked at the OP and the subsequent posts but I can't see where it says the OPs daughter is a child?

MissBattleaxe · 06/09/2015 18:03

OP- the bride is within her rights to ask for it back for her daughter. It was her wedding after all and it's not surprising she would want to keep a bridesmaid dress for her own daughter. Don't pretend it's ripped or dirty like a PP said.

She paid so she can keep it. It might have been nice to have let your DD keep it, but it's not unreasonable to ask for a dress back when you were the purchaser.

PosterEh · 06/09/2015 19:11

I've read it again and I think it makes much more sense to assume the OP's DD is a child than an adult.

DontStopBelievin · 06/09/2015 19:40

It never even crossed my mind to ask for my bridesmaid dresses back at our wedding.
(They were adult dresses too, not children.)
If she paid for them and wants them back though, just do it. Don't see the point in getting arsey over it.

Original poster

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 06/09/2015 22:34

My daughter is 4.

OP posts:

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 06/09/2015 22:39

I think she should have made it clear before hand that she's like the dress back after the wedding. Perfectly entitled to do this but should have been clear about it

MsMarple · 06/09/2015 22:58

Seems a bit mean to ask a 4 year old to give her pretty dress back! But having said that probably not worth falling out over. If your daughter likes wearing it then ask the friend if she wants cash for it.

Or could you suggest keeping it until your DD grows out of it, and then passing it on to her daughter?

alleypalley · 06/09/2015 23:32

No, you can't ask a 4yr old to give back their dress. That's just cruel.

Pico2 · 06/09/2015 23:41

I completely agree with alley.

BackforGood · 06/09/2015 23:51

But you've said yourself, it's "very bridesmaidy" - why would you want to keep it for your dd? . If she can recoup some of the cost by selling it, that seems pretty sensible. You'll have got photos and quite possibly video footage, what use is the actual dress going to be to your dd ?
So yes, YABU not to give it back when asked , although I think she should have mentioned it in the first place.

Fatmomma99 · 07/09/2015 00:49

Your DD won't be able to wear if for very long, OP, she'll v quickly grow out of it.

My gripe when my cousin got married was this....

When she said she was getting married, my DD (about age 8 at the time) said she hoped she'd be a bridesmaid. I said this to my cousin, who told us that she wanted adult bridesmaids. Fair enough. I told DD, who took it on the chin
Cousin then decided she wanted a few younger bridesmaids, and asked DD and DN, who were thrilled. Me and Dis said we were happy to pay for the dresses cousin specified, but cousin said she'd pay for them.

She then said the dresses were their presents (for being a bridesmaid) and on the big day, DD and DN had to hand out the proper presents for the rest of the bridesmaids. They got nothing because cousin had paid for their dresses. Both of them would have been happy with a sheet of stickers. It meant precisely nothing to them who paid for their dresses.

I love my cousin, but that rankles!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2015 03:10

"But you've said yourself, it's "very bridesmaidy" - why would you want to keep it for your dd? "

Ever heard of dressing-up? Or did you miss the OP's post where she says her DD is 4?

lurkinginthenorth · 07/09/2015 05:56

I think it is mean-spirited of the bride to ask for the dress back when it has ben on the back of a 4 year old.
Lots of 4 year olds would probably have felt very special and like a princess for the day. To take it off her is denying her the memories, showing off to family members about 'her' special day and her 'special' job.

I would offer to buy it. (Any chance of buying a replica?) But id it is genuinely for her own daughter, nothing much you can do about it.

I paid for my bridesmaid dresses and allowed all my bridemaids to keep them. It's part of the 'gift'.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/09/2015 07:20

She ought to have told you in advance, but she's entitled to ask for it back. Offer to buy it if you really want.

BackforGood · 07/09/2015 11:32

Yes Thumbwitch - my dc all loved dressing up - but they got the best use out of things like old curtains that could become 100 different costumes.
Personally, I've never sold anything on e-bay, but I understand that if the bride has spent a lot of money on this dress, and is able to recoup a good part of that by selling it, then that's a reasonable thing to do. I see that nowadays you can buy 'princess dress' type costumes very cheaply in the shops - if the op's dd wants to dress up, that would probably be a far better option than a dress which probably cost the bride a lot of money.

Original poster

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 07/09/2015 14:06

i wasn't keeping it for dressing up, but carefully wrapped in a box next to her christening dress, first ballet outfit etc.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/09/2015 14:14

Oh ok, that's a bit weird, sorry. If you were keeping it for your DD to enjoy wearing, it made more sense. But each to their own. :)

Pico2 · 07/09/2015 14:30

I agree with ThumbWitch. What will she do with these things when she's older? My mum didn't keep anything like that and I really don't miss them.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 07/09/2015 16:11

well let's hope your DD wants to open a dress museum when she is grown up. Are you going to save all her school uniforms? every dressing up costume?

I really don't see the point in keeping it without using it TBH. Fair enough if she wanted to use it as her best party dress, or just for playing princesses, but for you to store in a box as a memory? that's what photos and DVDs are for, surely.

juliej75 · 07/09/2015 16:19

She paid, she gets it back.

I offered my DD's bridesmaid dress back to my bride friend. I had it cleaned and kept it specifically in case she had a daughter (which she did a few years later). Surely it has far more meaning for the family of the bride?

To my daughter? Meh, just another pretty dress (she was about 4 at the time too).

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