In feeling that when children really underachieve it's not always the fault of schools or parents

[nicoleshitzinger]

Feeling really sad and a failure as a mum at the moment. I'm a qualified teacher, though non-practising these days, yet my children are really underachieving at school.

My bright dd adamantly rejected every offer of help from me or anyone else, scarcely bothered with any of her lessons from years 8 - 11, and left school this summer with 2 GCSE's.

My middle child has just started secondary school and is having strops about me wanting to have any input into his work. He got a level 6 in his maths in year 6 under his own steam, with no maths practice or any other input from home, or tutoring (as he seemed to be making reasonable progress we just stood back and didn't interfere). I would just stand back and accept he wants to do things on his own if his literacy wasn't really weak to the point that he will struggle a lot if he doesn't do something to improve it. At 12 he should be using capital letters, full-stops, and writing in complex sentences surely? But like his sister he has been massively resistant to any input from DH and me. He will really find any essay based subject difficult at secondary if he doesn't improve his writing drastically.

Every time I hear someone talking about how support from home is absolutely crucial in helping a child succeed at school it's like a knife to my heart, and I feel so sad and guilty. I want to help my children but they have always been so difficult about accepting my input, no matter how gently it's offered.

Does anyone else experience this with their children? I feel absolutely gutted that my kids have so much potential that may never be fully realised, because they pig-headedly refuse to accept any help and guidance from adults who are willing and able to help them. It's the most frustrating experience and I'm feeling very sad about it.

i never said your children do have learning difficulties. I was just explaining why i hate the term 'underachiever'
your daughter achieved 2 GCSE's and is now in college doing her BTEC. well done her. she is achiving. it may not be up to your standard and expectation but she is doing something.
i don't know what you are like to your actual children, but from your posts you just seem really negative. 'your not going to do well unless you do this or that'.
Yes they may seem lazy because they clearly have no work ethic and I have to wonder why. is it because no matter what they do, it will never be good enough? is it because they don't see the point in education and understand the benefits it will bring? I don't know, only you know that. Whats your youngest child like?

notaprincess to be fair to the OP, her DD's behaviour has been extreme.

It's not just a case of her results not being to the OP's liking. Her DD has behaved in a way that is appalling. I'm surprised the OP hasn't made herself ill over it. And I'm not surprised that she is now concerned for her DS.

nicole also a teacher and went through similar with my elder ds as your ds. Won't go through the horrible process- too painful. both dss got reasonable A levels and univ degrees (one with spectacular results one not) Atm neither is motivated to get a job. I think I was over-involved with them and they are feather bedded. I love them madly but they have to make their own way. We are taking that process away from them.

"Yes they may seem lazy because they clearly have no work ethic and I have to wonder why. is it because no matter what they do, it will never be good enough"

Um, no. I praise effort not attainment.

I want my children to try. Dd has never tried hard at anything.

'Underachievement' is a term which means a child not achieving their potential, whatever that potential may be.

Again, you are projecting your own issues into my situation.

I think we have all been taught for years that school is the way for all children.
It simply isn't.
All that my son (16)knows, he taught himself. The institution of school was never going to work for his personality.
It took me all his school years to realise this. I wish that l had home schooled from day one.
We are all so different. We all learn differently.

I think that is very true gosh

Institutions are set up to serve the majority. But it seems unarguable that they will not be able to serve a minority.

i am not projecting any of my own issues onto your situation. i dislike a term. its not an issue. if a child gets straight-a's they become an over-achiever, anything less and they become an under-achiever. there seems to be no middle ground. its like it is not acceptable to just do ok.
and i said i don't know what you are like with your children and only you know how you actually parent them. I was just questioning why your children have no work ethic. you have posted this in AIBU afterall.........

I guess I would encourage you to take a leaf from your husbands book an make ds redo sloppy work. Do you implement sanctions for lack of effort, not doing homework?

I think it is good to praise effort as well as achievement but you need to then acknowledge the lack of effort.

As others have said I would be removing that play station and any other items that may distract from good effort.

The one thing I would concede is that it is hard work trying to motivate children who don't care. But it matters so much regarding future education.

We had to literally beg for ds to be accepted into 6th form, apparently his poor efforts had really made a big negative impression on the head.

I would be interested to learn what your input is to "helping" them. It's easy to put down and be over-critical when "helping". Have you asked them what would help? Not to be finger-pointing, but why are you so absolutely sure it's not your "fault" (although I feel fault is the wrong word)? You have 2 children who have turned out this way. You're the common factor. Is it nature or nurture?

As other posters have said, there are some kids who just aren't academic, (but don't be tempted to use this as a get-out clause). If they aren't academic, find other ways of engaging with their skills that will look good on a resume (volunteer work, Duke of Edinburgh, etc.).

And that's the way it is! school environment does not suit every child, me in particular, I loved College and excelled academically there, not at school where I was bottom for everything. Like adults gave differing abilities, so do children.

There are a couple of concepts in this thread that I am struggling with

One is the concept of "underachivement". How do you know your children are underachieving?

The second is that children need to be rewarded for effort not achievement. I don't understand why unless you believe that the protestant work ethic is inherently a good thing (I do not, I believe it is used to enslave and oppress)

Someone would have to be an absolute idiot to put lots of effort into something where they gain zero rewards emotionly.

Life is for enjoying and there are many ways of enjoying life. Not everybody needs or wants to have good grades and a university degree. It doesnt guarentee very much nowadays anyway

As long as your children are aware and happy of the path they are taking through life, then there are absolutely no problems to try and solve. They are actually being successful and winning at life if they are happy

If they are worried and upset about their lack of academic achievement then of course you need to try and help them do something about it

Can you help them more by asking and preparing them to have forgot so they are reminded? Or you say daughter forgot everything for college, couldn't you have asked last week what she needs to have for college, what paperwork, Etc and help her get it organised. Yes she's 16 but hasn't learnt yet obviously so it's better she has guidence.

Each evening when they are home can you try and introduce a 'family meeting time', something relaxed when you all share a pot of tea or hot chocolate, help prep dinner, and at the same day ask about each other's day and try and help them with timetable to get stuff done.

Acknowledge you know it isn't the most entertaining time doing homework and coursework but it needs doing. Can you sit near them? I know I found homework/ coursework long and dreary but one of my parents would often join me at dining table, they would be reading paper/ working themselves but meant we didn't feel so alone, and could have casual chats as we went along or ask for help at needed